Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Perfect posture but you're barely scraping by

That was an interesting superbowl. On the one hand it was a tight game virtually throughout with explosive scoring and moments of stiffling defense, on the other hand it was pretty poorly played for quite a bit of the time. Most of the big plays were due to DBs falling down or just totally blowing assignments. In fact slipping and falling was a common theme, apparently the field conditions sucked or both teams had poor cleat choice. There were also dropped balls, more penalties than were ever assessed to all the ex-Enron executives combined, and a sporadic running game.

On the upside the gathering we had was pretty cool, a couple friends of mine and one guy who wanted to pump Aaron for a job. Also I won the superbowl bet against Aaron which means that he has to both join the Jake Delhomme fanclub AND announce this to the next three women that he dates, or if he doesn't date 3 more women in his lifetime (because he gets married or whatever) he has to leave about $3 to the Jake Delhomme Fanclub in his will. If the Pats had won by more than 7 I would have had to agree with Jing on something, so that clearly was NOT an option. I was readying the Wakizachi for Hari-Kiri during the start of the Fourth Quarter.

The commercials were pretty lame (nothing on the order of Catfight or Wingman, although the four of us did sing the wingman song several times to drown out the bad ads.) The half-time show was terrible, as usual. When Justin Timberlake came on we had to flip the channel to Queer Eye for the straight guy, and I spent five minutes drooling over the chocolate deserts they were making there, DAMN YOU LOW CARB LIFESTYLE.

We didn't blow $25 on the lingiere bowl but there was an inkling of temptation just because it was so rediculous (and of course because there were hot women in naught but their underwear which improves most entertainment.) We agreed that it would have been worth the money if they had let Lawrence Taylor actually play on his team. There would have been silicone implants all over the place if that had been the case. It would have made Joe Theisman's LT experience look like a lovetap and it would have been GLORIOUS. We weren't sure who should be on the other team, although Dickerson was a poor choice. I wanted Mike Ditka just because he's an all-time tough guy AND he pitches erectile dysfunction medication. There was talk of an all-impotent series of athletes playing with supermodels in various sports, like Rafael Palmeiro in the lingiere series where the Athletes would use their erectile dysfunction to their advantage because they would not be distracted by the boobs and the bootie and could play their best against the hapless models. We discarded that as gimmicky and went with Warren Sapp as a good counterpart, just because it would be hilarious to see a bunch of 90 pound models try to block his Sappness. Also if Angie Everheart threw an interception and Sapp pulled a Chad Clifton type hit on like Kate Moss or whoever that would be the greatest thing ever (well not if he hurt her seriously, but just the shot.) On the off chance that someone associated with the L Bowl is reading this you should seriously consider putting in some serious athletes next time for MAXIMUM humor quotient.

I was friended recently by someone calling themselves a queer recruiter, although said person has not made comment in this journal. I wasn't aware that the gays WERE recruiting, but apparently they are. I'm not sure how to take it. Should I be flattered, confused, or worried? I'm guessing #2, but I think that depends on how they recruit. Maybe they do an English Navy thing and get you all soused on fuzzy navels and wine spritzers, then you wake up "In The Navy" but in a Village People sense rather than a martial one. "Aye Laddie, you're a gay now. You can pick up your leather chaps and Lizza Minelli biography at the door."

I'm not sure I'm too keen on being recruited for queerness. I wouldn't mind hearing a pitch, but being queer doesn't pay particularly well and then there's that whole admiring dudes' hairy asses thing. I mean that's totally fine for people who do, what type of ass you prefer to peer at is a personal decision. Heck people who want to try to convert are fine by me too. That's a personal choice. But it's a DUDE'S HAIRY ASS! Don't even get me started on the other side. I think that sexuality is pliable in some, set basically in stone in others, and totally liquid in yet more people. Unfortunately I believe myself to basically be locked in on one trajectory. I think most open-minded guys are honestly still in that Seinfeld "not that there's anything wrong with it" phase where intellectually there's the recognition that homosexuality is perfectly fine and not inherently different than heterosexuality really, but there's a certain something (a cross between curiosity and uneasyness) that remains on a sub-intellectual level that will continue for a decade or three.

You know what would be cool though? Gay recruitment infomercials. It would be great! You get like Burt Reynolds or some other ex-stud who's hard up for work and you put him on a soundstage with a mid-western audience and a chef's hat and let him pitch for you.

"Hey you, yes you, buddy, on the couch in your living room. Let me ask you something. Do you ever find yourself irritated when, after 18 good holes of golf you need to go home and do something with your wife and family? Don't you wish that somehow you could exchange the antiquing and sleeping through opera for more time on the course, or watching the game with a Brew in one hand and a taco in the other? Well now you can, and over the next half hour I'll tell you how! And you, ladies, don't flip that dial. Do you ever wish you had a partner who could listen to you for more than ten minutes without his eyes drifting downwards off your face? How about a mate for whom foreplay doesn't involve 3 other guys and a golf course? Or someone for whom 'cleaning up' isn't merely sweeping beer cans under the rug and eating half an oreo that's been behind the couch cushions for 2 months? Well now YOU can too and I'm going to show you with this revolutionary new course called Gay-In-A-Day! That's right, in just ONE day you'll have two queer eyes at your disposal to start improving your ex-straight guy life! Dr. Phillip Zombardo is an expert psychologist who you may remember from such debacles as the Stanford Prison Experiment, but this time he's gotten it right with "Gay-In-A-Day" a course of study that will teach you everything from hip-swiviling to being victimized by the heteroarchy in just 24 hours of study!

Don't take my word for it though, check out these celebrity testimonials from popular country artist Ted Nugent and famous slut Paris Hilton!

Ted Nugent: You know I used to be as hardcore hetero as they come. Then I realized that my sexual lifestyle wasn't in line with my hunting lifestyle. I might have been killing and consuming meat for nutrition purposes, but when it came to my personal life I was on a strict seafood diet. That ain't right. After gay-in-a-day I can enjoy more types of meat than I ever could before, plus I'm getting some much needed protein instead of yeast! Not only that but it helped me re-arrange my trophy room. I had the bald eagle head right next to the puma. Talk about your faux-pas', what was I thinking? Thank you Gay-in-a-day

Paris Hilton: I thought I could goad my rich parents by having no self respect and spending my entire life sloppy drunk and on my back with some strange male breaking my undernourished ribs with his pelvic thrusts. That didn't work at all, even when I released a video on the internet and proved myself to be both retarded and entirely ammoral on national television. Nothing was working! After trying Gay-in-a-day I realized that by wearing flannel, chewing tobacco, and making sure that there'd never be a grandchild I could achieve far more than I did back when I was rubbing myself raw in an attempt for attention. Not only that but I gained the moral highground and now my promiscuity is a political statement rather than a sign of hedonism! Gay-in-a-day is A-Okay!"

Then they could demonstrate the tapes with Burt Reynolds doing like a Kevin Kline thing from In and Out but in reverse. "Keep that wrist LIMP soldier! I want to see it flap"

That would totally blow away any of the work that Ronco or even George Foreman has done!


There's something wrong with a religious ritual where tens of people die virtually every year due to stampedes of other worshipers. You'd think that maybe they'd improve safety proceedures or something.
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