Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I'm a pig I'm a dog so 'scuse me if I drool.

I thought I was safe in the discussion section, because we had established a seating pattern with her on the other side of the room and out of my line of sight when focusing on the TA. I buried my face in my GED book while we waited for the classroom to clear so we could go in and sat in my normal place. She sat directly in front of me. That's a clear violation of the rules! I will admit that the rules are only in my mind, but that doesn't make it any more fair. Outside the darkened confines of the movie theater set-up it was even more difficult because her hair, neck, and profile were fully lit but so was the positioning of my eyes and I had to basically stare out of the window on one side of the classroom while I listened to the TA and presenters who were speaking on the other side, kind of a silly way to go about learning. She also spoke quite a bit during the class, and the dynamic has started to be established of her, this other guy who I've talked to a couple times in passing, and me as the main student voices in the classroom. At one point I got into a discussion with the other guy about Eisenstein's theories of montage, and she jumped in on his side, turning to look right at me and proclaiming that there was a flaw in my argument. Fortunately my ego is stronger even than this overpowering attraction and I responded intelligently and credibly to her critique, but this situation is getting untenable.

See I feel very vulnerable in respect to her, and with me vulnerability can quickly turn into hostile. If she and I are going to be arguing interpretations I'm going to have to be very careful not to lash out at her, especially since she's intelligent and more knowledgeable about film than I am, and so would be a threat anyway.

Now this probably seems, or rather definitely IS, rediculous overanalysis over minor nothings and something I need to just get over. I'll cede that point no problem. The thing is it BOTHERS me extensively. Now I'm in a no win situation because if she sits near me in the future I'll have the issues I'm currently having and if she sits far away I'll feel like I somehow offended and repulsed her. It's not that intellectually I don't KNOW that she makes her seating choices with absolutely zero consideration of where I am, what I'm doing, or even whether or not I exist. I'm an anonymous face in a big school, and it's not that I don't know that. It's just that she's invaded my mind in that insidious way where unrelated thoughts and fantasies are disrupted and barged in upon by this stranger. For class today we read this story about how one of the writers of "The Cabinet Of Dr. Caligari" just caught a glance of some girl at a fair and spent the whole day searching Prague for another look at her. Now in the end of this particular tale the girl ends up murdered and the future writer sees the man who he presumes murdered her leaving the crime scene, but let's stay on track here. I know how he feels in terms of just seeing a woman and instantly feeling this...connection...towards her that draws you so powerfully it feels like a force of nature, like a whirlpool or a magnetic force or something. Whenever she's near your eyes drift to her unbidden, and when you're outside of that immediate intoxication she draws your mind like an Orchid seducing a bee. The thing is that I can't run around Prague searching for her because A) I don't have that kind of reckless abandon in me. B) I don't feel attractive or appealing in any way. I guess that's a big part of the problem. I'm not generally bothered by being an unattractive person because I am pretty solitary in general (that feeling of loneliness I described earlier is gone after I spent a few hours chatting with Aaron.) It's only when these (rare) bouts of uncontrollable attraction hit that I get frustrated. It's quite probable that she either already has a boyfriend or that my personality (which greyhk assures me is a combination of nails on a chalk board and a PMSing woman) would make her flee in disgust anyway, but the fact of the matter is that I'll never get an oppotnutiy to find out, and that hurts on some level. Part of what I am trying to do with this journal is vent, and that's what I'm doing now. It helps to some extent.

The rest of my day was bland and uneventful except that my Badminton game has improved which I attribute to improving fitness. That's a positive sign. It's weird though. Today I was partnered with a cute, big chested, redhead in Badminton. I had absolutely no problem focusing on the game or bantering with her and just being myself. It's not that I didn't register her attractiveness, it's just that it doesn't really register as a big deal. I'm not sure why film class girl has impacted me the way she did, it's not that she wears tight clothes or carries herself in a provocative manner, in fact it might be because she's a very pretty girl who dresses demurely and has laid back body language. Maybe it's just pheremones or some sort of cosmic connection where I supported a Chilean dictator in a previous life and so I was sentenced to meet the perfect girl (not that I know she's the perfect girl per se) at a point in my life where I was in absolutely no shape for wooing of any sort.

One of the worst parts is that it's not just a sexual attraction. I mean don't get me wrong, today in class when I noticed the freckles on the back of her neck just above the loose collar of her sweater I started thinking more about how far down those freckles went more than what Kino-Eye really stands for. But most of the thoughts are even more humiliating. Like she seems like a girl who would be really great to go skiing with. She likes chile (brought some into class one day) and she dresses like a skiier and....ugh. It goes deeper than that but let's just say that if I wanted to have domestic fantasies intrude into my mind I'd watch "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy". It's emasculating to even HAVE those fantasies, let alone have them about a real and unattainable girl.

On the upside, all that being said, I think that the effect is slowly fading over time. And by expect I mean hope.
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