Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Ain't make it so real, I don't need your love Disconnect!

It's good that the only people who have me listed as a friend at this point are either people who either do so because we are friends in real life, do so out of habit, or are defunct journals, because it means that I can write whatever I want without offending or bothering anyone. At this point it's getting past pathetic to creepy and obsessive. I recognize this and maybe I should make these entries private, but I told myself when I created this thing that all entries would be fully public and for now that's the way it will stay.

With that being said, today's film class was a nice slice of hell. She sat diagonally in front of me this time, which meant that I wasn't staring right at the back of her head at all times, but was seeing more of a profile from the corner of my eye. I managed not to THINK too many thoughts this time, mostly because I was taking pages of notes and pre-occupied with the take home exam, but I was constantly aware of her presence. It's like a physical tether from my brain to her at this point. I can almost feel it, summoning my eyes and attention like the sirens calling sailors to wreck upon the shores of their cliff.

It's incredible, almost unbelievable to me, how powerfully my attention is drawn to her. As class was starting this cute blonde girl who had been in another of my classes was asking me questions about the reading and stuff, and while I was answering her all I could think about was Longhair. Then another Blonde, this one actually fairly gorgeous, sat down in front of me and I noted it but had absolutely no reaction beyond that on an intellectual level. This sort of fixated obsession is both unhealthy and scary! Later during the class I cracked a subtle joke to one of the guys sitting behind me and his loud laughter and follow up comment embarassed me, not because it drew the professor's ire but because I was worried SHE would think me crass for causing the disruption.

Today in class we watched M, which is a great film. It's about a killer of children who is eventually dragged before a tribunal of criminals and proclaims himself innocent because he cannot control his actions. I felt a little bit like him as I tried hard to stare at the screen while my peripheral vision drank her in like heroin headed straight to the brain to soothe the fire of addiction even if just for that moment. I too am guilty but unable to exercise the necessary controls. A few years ago I discovered a very good way to put something I didn't want to think about out of mind. I just imagine my head, and then a metal pike being shoved through it, skewering the chin, passing through the mouth up through the pallate into the brain and out the top with a spurt of blood. It's a shocking image and it tends to bring me back to focus when I need it. It isn't working now because my mind just drifts towards her unbidden. I can't exercise that kind of mental control for 4 hours straight. My actions are entirely under my control, I have more than enough discipline for that, but the mind has a freedom that the limbs do not and it frustrates me so. I want to just go into class, sit down, learn about the master shot sequence and see an excellent German film, then go teach GED Science. Instead I get all that and thoughts about the fact that she chews the tops off her pens and writes with the ink tube exposed just like I do, or how she dips croissant into chile in a strange but wonderful flavor combination that most would be too afraid to try. It's like this stuff burrows itself into my brain!

The worst part is that I think I may be creeping her out already. She glanced in my general direction a couple times during class today, probably to see whether or not I was watching her. Fortunately I was staring at the screen as much as possible so that was a positive. To be honest it's not quite as obsessive as I make it seem here, I'm just making an effort to vent as much as possible in the journal as a means of relieving tension. It's just that at this point I feel like Icarus flying too close to the sun every time I enter that accursed building. I just don't want to plummet into the sea. I wish I could drop the class, but I don't want to do another 12 point semester because it won't look good and if I want to consider taking film classes the summer after the coming one I will need the intro course under my belt. I just need to power through it like I am the evil strength training class, counting the days until I don't need to go anymore.

Science class was tough today. The students were more prepared than I expected, but I at least managed not to totally fall apart. I'm going to need to prepare more supplementary material though. I had a slight headache when it was done too, though I'm not sure why. Maybe it was just from the stress of the day.

Not much else happened today so I'll just answer the revenge questions from the Huntress and call it a night:

1) What personality trait that you possess would you like to get rid of and why?

Impatience, no doubt there. I am a very impatient person and it's not good. It interferes with work, makes me talk even when I don't have that much to say, and triggers a short temper from time to time. I can be patient in certain scenarios but I need that to be more widespread.

2) Since you are in a film class, I thought perhaps I would ask a film question. What film adeuqately depicts your state of mind on a daily basis?

My favorite movie, Adaptation. Charlie Kaufman's inner monologue is frighteningly similar to my own.

3) What is your biggest regret in life and if it was possible, would you go back in time and do something differently so that regret disappears?

This depends on whether you mean something I did or anything that happened. If it's something I did it's gaining all this weight. If it's something that happened it would be my father's suicide. I would change both if I could (I'm working on the weight as it stands.)

4) I have figured out that you are intelligent person who also has a healthy dose of arrogance. How does your arrogance serve you on a daily basis?

It keeps me sharp, makes me working to a degree to maintain justification for the arrogance, and it protects me against those who doubt or disparage me for whatever reason. It is protection against a world that can be vicious and rejecting. Rejection is something I experienced a lot of back when I was more sweet and humble. Now it's water off a duck's back and at times people accuse me of being rejecting, which I try not to be for the most part.

5) If money, education, probability, etc were of no consequence, what profession would you like to have and why?

Well I'd probably go with President or Senator so that I could help get this country back on track, but if that wasn't the criterion I would go with writer/director of films, which I'm considering pursuing despite all the previously mentioned obstacles.
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