Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I'm prepared to look you in the eye, look me in the eye.

Everything's comming up Milhouse!

I had a pretty good day today. Nothing special, but my gym class went by quickly, my seminar went very well and I actually managed some reading ahead of time, and then on my way back uptown I got stomach cramps but they were cancelled out by subway musicians playing Mozart's "A little night music" which is my absolute favorite piece of classical music. Hearing that in the subway and seeing how people were responding, humming along and smiling really made me glad.

I've felt my mood swinging in a good direction ever since my last big rant on tuesday night, and I think the fever might have broken so to speak. I'm actually starting to get my bearings again and realize that this is my last semester at school. My last semester! Holy Guac!

I've also been able to do some work recently which is a great sign since I have work to do all of a sudden. I will complete it too.

You know in retrospect college was probably a good thing for me. I made a bunch of mistakes over the course of it but perhaps they were mistakes that I had to make. I should have taken more film classes earlier so that I could have a better idea of whether I want to pursue that by graduation. On the other hand I wasn't READY to go into anything creative when I first came to Columbia, and even if I had been I might be at the end of the road saying "Gee I wish I had checked out psychology, or a social science."

The current plan as it stands is to do TFA...then next summer (2005) take film classes and in the autumn of 2005 apply to law and film schools, see what offers I get, what I want to do, and act accordingly. It could easily be derailed (like if I don't get accepted into TFA for example) but I think it balances realism with what I want pretty well. I'd be 24 by the time I started attending Law or grad school, but that's not exactly ancient and at least my optios would still be somewhat open if I hated what I was doing.

I have to admit that film is more and more attractive these days. I find myself trolling IMDB looking at when the people I admire started their careers and wondering if time is running out for me. In truth it is. Not in the sense that I don't have time to get into it and be successful, but rather in the sense that I don't have time to spend 5 years fucking around before making my decision.

For the first time in my life I feel ready to face the future as an actual possibility and not just something to be imagined. I'm commited to dropping this horrible weight and should be able to realistically do it in a couple years. I've got some idea of what I want to do in the immediate future and I have some plans for the future that I'm not totally afraid of pursuing. It's kind of frustrating because now that I am on my way out of college I finally feel like I am ready to start attending it.

There are still issues. I am a major league procrastinator and time waster, but that's been dropping off a little recently and I feel that the more and more I WANT to be doing what I'm doing the more I will be able to focus and actually do the work. That's the hope at least.

I feel like I'm behind where I should be at this point, but then again nobody knows how long they will live and many of the people we consider most productive are the ones who do one or two great things rather than those who achieve a lot.

That immaturity might give me a bit more flexibility than most 22 year olds too. That would be a good thing. One of the things I worry most about is that my critical period will close out and I will be locked in my ways before my ways are the sorts of ways one would want to get locked in. Then again Dr. Rubin, a Tony Robbins like self-help guru who does some work with Buddhism, didn't even get into psychology until the end of college. People find their professions at different points and I can't let myself get psyched out anymore.

Full steam ahead!
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