I think I may be getting Senioritis. I haven't really been able to do much reading this semester and haven't even started my 12 page take home test that's due either on tuesday or wednesday. Now this isn't too unusual for me, granted, but it just feels worse right now. Maybe it's because I'm more focused and aware, so it's harder to push these sorts of things to the back of my mind.
I've also waned a bit in my confidence to be able to be successful. You know I've always considered myself someone of far above average ability in certain areas. I've been in elite academic institutions since I was 11 years old and although I haven't always gotten the best grades and I've never been the most popular I have always earned the respect of my peers and my instructors in at least an academic sense and have frequently been considered among the brightest. That doesn't mean all that much though, and if I wanted to actually pursue film making I'd end up being behind the curve. I feel over the hill and awkward as a 22 year old college student, imagine me being a 25 year old INTERN working alongside 18 year olds who would have more experience than me because they knew what they wanted to do when they were younger and had the confidence and/or stupidity to pursue it. I'm not sure how comfortable I'd be in that position and I don't know what they'd think of such a geyser in that type of position.
Throughout my life I've felt like I was behind some kind of schedule. Well that's not true, it's only since my father died that I've truly felt that way. I don't know why I have this schedule in my head, maybe it's a remnant of how hard he pushed me or all that he achieved or some other psychological malady that has me thinking in a rather stupid way.
I have always tended to overthink things and extrapolate much further into the future than is wise. I'm doing my best to restrain this tendency but it still crops up from time to time. I think creativity often has penalties like this, such as the number of artists who drink and drug or even commit suicide. Not that I'm an artist of any kind but I do think of myself of creative, and I still have trouble sleeping in an empty apartment. That's besides the point though.
I am hoping that I'll get into TFA and at least then I'll have something to focus on. Otherwise I'm in danger of catching senioritis and I can't afford to come down with that disease.