Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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They call me Free

I think I may be victorious, over my own traitorous mind. Today was discussion section day and although I had an actual physical reaction something akin to a minor panic attack as I neared the building I was able to stay focused and attentive for the entire hour. There was some residual introspection but in general things went very well. Oh frabjulous day, Coolah, Coolay! There was definitely some tension released in my chest as I went galumphing back home.

Today was actually not a terrible day to be me. My poli-sci class was pretty interesting and entertained me. Badminton was entertaining enough and my swing is better than it used to be. My history class was pretty great, as usual, and I introduced myself to the professor after class since he had known my father. He called my dad a great man, which was good for me to hear. It's not particularly rational to feel proud about those sorts of things, but then again humans aren't rational creatures.

Then came the class and my victory over my ownself. I'm glad that I was able to finally exercise the kind of self control and discipline usually reserved for people over the age of 17. I can't say that I won't miss the thrill of infatuation at least a little, but on another note I really don't want it to return. Frankly I don't even think that a schlub like me deserved to have feelings like that, even if you ignore the inconvenience and irritation it brought me. Nobody wants the eyes of a loser upon them.

I also have a bunch of pressures on me right now. I have 12 pages to write for film class by 6 PM wednesday and not a lot of time to do it because of things like the GED class I have to teach and a few other annoying sillynesses to deal with. I also find out if I got an interview for Teach for America tomorrow, and I'm a little worried. I wish I had written about my experience as a jury foreman rather than overcoming depression. That would have been a stronger essay.

It's time like these that I feel amazingly immature. I mean in certain ways I am well-rounded and responsible, but in others I feel like I'm just reaching the end of adolescence. It's frustrating. When I'm teaching in a classroom I can pass for 30 years old, and maintain excellent rapport with adults who are almost twice my age. In terms of my writing abilities (not displayed in this silly little journal) I am as good as many graduate students. On the other hand I have extreme social underdevelopment and I'm still living at home (though that will hopefully change by the fall.) It's frustrating.

I'll get my work done though and for better or worse see what happens with TFA. At least things are moving forward one way or another, and now I've gotten at least one monkey off my back. Why do monkeys love to seat themselves on backs so much? TREES! That is your natural monkey environment! In the jungle! Jungle trees.
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