Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Bitter and tainted the picture you painted of me

Today was pretty much a complete failure. My first class went okay although I'm still in perpetual disagreement with EVERYONE there. It's me against the world and though I know I'm right it can be frustrating.

In Badminton I played singles and lost by a combined score of 42-6. I'd like to blame it on being sore as hell from my workout yesterday but honestly I just played poorly and I don't have sufficient range to cover the whole court by myself. Oh well, at least I was playing against a guy I'm friendly with so I could laugh it off.

I had to present today in film class so most of the rest of the day was focused on prepping for that. In the end it was a minor debacle just because of the sheer amount and complexity of the material. I had two articles amounting to about 40 pages by Christian Metz, apparently a linguist and classic Freudian psychoanalyst who decided that the world of Film desperately needed him to unleash two incomprehensible articles about it upon the world. I was able to follow them because of my background in psychology but presenting them comprehensivly and comprehensibly in the alloted time was basically impossible. I think I did a yeoman's job of doing what I could, hitting most of the main points in those two articles and doing a good job in the two OTHER articles I had to talk about, taking up most of the class period in the process (there were two other presenters.) The thing is that I really wish I could have demonstrated my understanding of the deeper material in Metz's mad Fandango. At one point he actually postulates his own existance as if it's not a given. He also accuses all filmgoers of being chronically masterbatory castration fearing wannabe hermaphrodites. Typical Freudian stuff.

The fact of the matter is that I really do love hearing myself talk and I'm also frustrated that I underestimated the amount of prep time I really needed. I had to read through my civil war class for the second straight time and I didn't finish my attempt at a comprehensive outline. I didn't know the Metz stuff would be SO dense though. He just makes up words as it pleases him.

The thing is ever since my resurgance in intellectual accuity I've felt an equally resurgent desire to be seen as one of the best and the brightest, something that I believe myself to be. It's not that I NEED the validation it's just that it feels good to have the attention and it puts me on a more comfortable social platform. When you're just the fat guy it's at times difficult to deal with people. Being percieved as intelligent and/or witty can be a big confidence booster.

To make things worse I spent most of the day with really bad gas in my lower intestinal tract and I offended someone today by implying that someone who couldn't find enough material to fill 7 pages was "vapid," without even thinking.

In news of amusing coincedences, my friend Aaron and I were talking about names the other day, and he was saying how Ben is much more popular than Aaron while I was making arguments about which would better prepare a child for success. Well the next day I see the cover of Psychology Today and one of the cover stories was whether the name of a child affects that child's prospects. I bought the magazine (it's pop psych crap but this was a special case) and read the article, which ultimately validated a mixture between Aaron's views and mine. Then I check on the Social Security website and although Benjamin is a more common name than Aaron by a decent margain during the 80's (when we were both born) specifically the two are neck and neck and right next to eachother in the rankings. According to the SSA there was only a 24 child difference that decade between the two names (with Benjamin getting the edge.) Now the real difference may be more like 480 because they only sampled 5% of all names and it wasn't clear whether they were displaying raw study numbers or projected name numbers, but regardless it's probably pretty close to the margain of error of the study. That's pretty darn funky. I guess when Aaron and I talk the world listens and comports itself accordingly.

P.S. I am feeling more confident lately about my ability to maybe do something professional involving writing. Beware the ides of march for I may post something actually creative then rather than blmerely bland and incoherent entries about my day to day life.

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