Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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If shame's the answer I've said too much

Today consisted of a rough morning and afternoon followed by a move back to equilibrium in the evening time. I missed gym today due to issues with my yearly coat transfer, when I move all my crap from the pockets of my big winter coat to a desk or dresser where it can then be tranfered to other clothes as necessary throughout the day. My film TA sent out an email announcing that the papers would be ready at 6 today and that most of them were quite good but she had graded hard. In retrospect I'm not even 100% sure what that means, since it seems to me that if the papers required harsh grading they couldn't have been that good, and if they were good there's no need for hard grading.

Anyway this had me pretty worried for the rest of the day. Some of the common problems in the paper seemed to apply to what I'd written and I wasn't 100% sure I'd written properly to the assignment in the first place. This is also a class that has been playing on my insecurities in a variety of ways and to botch the first assignment would have been a real blow. I say would have been because, naturally, it didn't play out that way. The end comments on the paper read "A. I totally dig your love for theorists, that you engage with them. What are your plans for after school?" This acted as a much needed ego boost. I will admit that on my way to the building to pick it up I felt a knot forming in my stomach, a sense of irrational and just plain silly dread considering how little was really at stake. On the way back to my house I got short of breath as my internal organs untwisted and settled.

I know that this class is just intro and that there are freshmen and sophomores in it (although there are juniors too and a couple other seniors I believe) so it's not like I'm competing with top students, and I take it for what it is, but you have to start somewhere and I'm glad I've begun well. I try never to get more than cautiously optimistic though. I could still screw it up, easily.

I've been cutting back down on the carbs again and that might also account for my mood improvement. Adjusting to the right carb level is an art not a science but I've been less than artful at it recently.

Have you read about this whole Harold Bloom thing? It's 20 years ago. Let it go. Touching a woman's thigh is NOT the equivalent of raping her. This is a large part of what I hate about feminism nicely packaged and presented for the world to see.
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