Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Manic Depression is a full screaming mess

I had the typical break/end of semester doldrums today. Whenever I get done with a stressful period (like midterms or finals) and don't have anything to do for awhile instead of feeling relieved and happy I just feel...empty inside. I go through a mini-existential crisis and it's just a big pain in the ass. I'm also still a little sick which added to the feeling in a very sucky way.

On a confusing note, the female main character from the new show Wonderfalls is unbelievably gorgeous. I am not someone who generally reacts this way to actresses but in this case it's an incredible effect. This confirms two of my beliefs about my aesthetic opinions too. 1) That fresh-faced and cute is far superior to obvious and slutty. You can see pretty plastic women in skimpy clothing on the tube at any given moment, but it's the women who are understated in their dress and demeanor who are truly intoxicating. A face that scrunches with emotion and thought overpowers empty eyed bimboes with flouncing body parts without even trying. 2) The conventional wisdom that women are most attractive when they are in their late teens is complete bullshit. This same actress was in a movie 3 years ago at age 21 and although she was atractive in a bland way she didn't raise any alarms for me. Add a few years, the beginning hint of wrinkles and apparently at least a little weight and it's a whole different ballgame. Of course there is also an attitude difference in the two characters which may account for some of the difference, but I don't think that's it.

Just some ruminations.

I have no idea what I'm going to do over break. I suppose I should get some work done but I don't really have any motivation at the moment and that won't take up all my time anyway. I guess there's some movies I should see and stuff but that's not all that appealing lately anyway. I will try to write and probably fail as usual to produce anything that I find even vaguely satisfactory. I will be hitting the gym but that doesn't eat up all that much time either. I guess prepping for my TFA interview is something but I'm having second or even third thoughts about that. I keep vascilating between thinking it'll be cool and feeling like it's a big mistake. I don't know what, exactly, I'd do instead but then again it is a two year commitment that would take me firmly into my mid twenties. Time always feels like it's running out for me, and I can't quite figure out why that is. I'm restless and irritable at the moment. Listening to Jimi Hendrix is taking me back to the summer 6 years ago and I kind of wish that I was back there. I was less happy back then but knowing what I know now I could at least live my life much more productively from there to now. That was really a pivotal moment and I made a ton of mistakes since then. I recognize that it's not necessarily possible to make the right decisions before you make the wrong ones, but it's still frustrating as hell.
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