Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I think that it's easier to write while depressed or angsty then it is while somewhat happy. Maybe that's one of the reasons that tragedy tends to be easier to write then comedy. I mean when you're depressed you WANT to sit down and put pen to paper or finger to keyboard and pound out some words to tell the world (stealing another line from the counting crows here) "You say you see, but I don't agree, you don't know how much I feel." When you're relatively happy, cause I don't GET extatic, you want to go do stuff. Right now I am forcing myself to write because I am a little sick still and I have a class to teach in 3 hours so I can't get into a comfortable anime binge or start reading my book (I got through more than a quarter of it yesterday which is pretty good for me)

I had a dream about her last night. As usual it was a rejection dream. I'm okay with it though, it was gentler than the others and I am focusing on things that I can do about myself and those around me rather than those who don't want anything to do with me. It's a healthy thing to focus on. My GPA is a 3.712 now. It's actually good for once in my life. Like a 91. That somewhat blows my mind. I mean at Hunter I had like an 86 GPA and I was trying harder than I am at Columbia, but I still raised it from a solid B to an A-. Imagine what I could do if I had the resolve to study and do the readings. At first I thought that this was just a fluke because most of the subjects I've taken in college were things that I had done some of in the past. But Metaphysics and Historical Sociology were totally new subjects and I got an A+ in HS and an A- in Metaphysics so that can't be it.

I watched the show Leap Years last night. It was pretty crappy and there was this one woman who overacted so much it was laughable, but the concept reminded me of how much I want to get out of this stage of my life. See the show starts in 1993 and then at various points fast forwards to 2001 or 2008. It can also jump backwards. The concept is that you see the characters change and their relationships to eachother change (It's done incredibly predictably, with things like two guys chasing a girl in 1993, one apparently winning, the other guy being married to her in 2001, and the first guy who you were supposed to think would be married to her in 2001 being married to her in 2008) and it's cheesy but I would LOVE to be able to jump forward 15 years and see what life will be like then. To see whether I am going to make it in any way shape or form. To see if I'm going to be a struggling director, a famous director, a writer, a professor, a criminoligist. Fat or thin? Married or single? Living on my mom's couch bitter at the world but incapable of doing anything else?

Dead or alive?

Most people would say that that takes the surprises out of life, but I've had enough nasty shocks. I just want to know if my work will lead to anything worthwhile. Give me a white picket fence and a veternarian wife. Give me a job at the DA's office and an empty fold out bed. Give me a successful film career and angst at how empty the women are out there. Give me friends or career. Give me something. I want something to hold on to. Why isn't life like that?

I've been rejected. I have another year of college coming up pretty soon. I have preparations to make and relaxation to do. I think that I mgiht be becoming confident for the first time in my fucking life since my father died. I think that might be what my lightweight psychotherapist interprets as arrogance. I just hope that I can hold on to it after evil (the momster) comes back into the world.

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