Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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It's these little things they can pull you under

I thought about making this entry private but I don't think I want to do that. This journal exists for my own personal use and self-examination. People who don't want to read my bullshit are free to spend their valuable time doing other, more productive, things. That's one of the things I don't like about the 'friends' designation in LJ. Frienship implies a level of mutual attachement that compells you to weather the good times and the bad times with a friend and provide them support and encouragement. By that definition I have absolutely no friends on LJ and wouldn't really want any. None of the handful of people who interact with me solely through this journal owe me anything and I don't owe them shit either. In an anonymous and transitory environment such as this there is no need for foul weather friends.

For most of today I wanted to crawl up inside myself and disapear. This was partially due to low blood-sugar (I didn't have time for lunch) but partially due to my natural mood fluctuations. Today should have been a good day in many ways. I had a good workout in the morning, saw that my weight HAS gone down before that, met with my policy professor who approved my project, said I should be an academic or a writer because I'm very bright, and then talked to me about current politics and the like for about an hour and 15 minutes. I also saw this kid who I was sort of friends with in high school and who I used to pick on pretty cruelly. I apologised to him for that and had a nice pleasant conversation while he waited for a professor. It's important to me to do that kind of thing when possible. If someone you know dies tomorrow you don't want their final impression of you to be the bully or the asshole, things that all of us have been at some point or another.

I'm not sure what brought about the powerfully negative feelings that have reigned over me for the last couple of days. All I know is I've felt lousy for awhile now, and after I left the professor's office today I was gripped by intense and overwhelming anxiety. I don't know why, I don't think I offended or upset her even if I did use up a lot of her time, but I was almost gasping for air on my way home and it took about 20 minutes of Weird Al Yankovich before I was reasonably calm again and able to go to class. Part of it is probably graduation from college. There's a lot of stuff I left unfinished in school. I should have taken more film or creative writing classes. That was a dumb mistake. I managed to get all the way through school without even a date, let alone anything resembling a serious relationship with a woman, and college is supposed to be the most fertile time for such activities. I also didn't do any prestigious internships or compete for any awards or serious papers. In other words despite the fact that I've demonstrated the ability to be more than pedestrian and recieved quite a bit of praise from many different sources. If I were a different person I might even believe it.

I think another source of discontentment and pain is that I've cycled back to thinking of myself as both unloveable and unworthy of love. It might seem a strange and somewhat blunt thing to say, but bluntness is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact it's often good. I see women that I'm attracted to and sometimes try to think about what I might have to offer them. The answer is, right now at least, not much. I'm intelligent, sure, and I'm both honest and highly ethical, but those traits are really unimportant, at least in the beginning stages of potential relationships. They serve some purpose later on I guess. Meanwhile I'm not physically attractive (a major issue in that it's rather self-centered and unreasonable to expect someone who is physically attractive to be responsive to someone who is not unless that second person has some sort of outstanding characteristic to offset their lack of such a major trait. Add to that the fact that the physically attractive are the most common targets of romantic interest and you get an imbalanced and depressing kind of game.) My personality is grating and although I consider myself funny it is an opinion shared by very few people of my age group, most of whom just consider me weird, corny, and a little stupid for some of the things I say. I am not rich or particularly successful, although I think I have the potential for both characteristics, and I am the exact opposite of aggressive and self-promoting, eschewing eye contact when possible and focusing on interacting with people whom I have a comfort level with. On some semi-subconscious level I do not consider myself worthy to talk to attractive women, even if those women have spoken to me about something in the past. It's an interesting dynamic. Because I know any social interaction with them would have an alterior motive I choose instead to focus on interacting with people who I am not attracted to (mostly men) partially out of a desire to be completely truthful and remain comfortable. I can't seem to find the common ground between not talking to someone and making them profoundly uncomfortable with unsolicited declarations of undying love or requests for private social interaction. Regardless, I consider myself basically substandard in the attributes that make one worthy of love and/or acceptance and I think this leads to a certain deep abiding sadness and isolation. I may eventually be an invaluable part of an organization's work-life but I expect to always be excluded from socialization surrounding it and to go home, and to sleep, alone. This expectation has been borne out by previous experience. I was never invited to a party or really any social event in my entire time at college except by generic widespread invitation. Nobody really wanted me anywhere. It's depressing.

In slightly less depressing (but not MUCH less depressing) news I say The Bicycle Thief in class and it was a truly wonderful film. I am secretly prejudiced against foreign films but this was really a humdinger. The acting was incredible, the storyline was so honest and raw you could taste it, and many of the cinematographic choices were incredibly impressive. One of my top 10 films of all time and maybe in the top 5. Extraordinary and I should have seen it sooner.

I still have a ton of work to do. I'm not worried though. It'll be nice to get my mind off my own failings and misery and focus on digging in and enjoying the pressures of a deadline. Is this the beginings of Workaholism? I hope so.
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