Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Some person sent me an email about my journal. I was glad to get it because it made me feel like people are actually looking at this journal and I'm not just shouting into a void. It did make me realize, however, exactly how biased this journal has been towards certain issues.

My psychologist said that he thought he shouldn't read this journal because he was afraid I would be afraid to criticize him if he did, that I would pussyfoot around important issues I had with him because I didn't want to offend him. Because of this I have been nothing BUT critical of him here. I have behaved like our sessions are nothing BUT negative. This is far from the truth. Jeff is very helpful for me. I have had bad shrinks in the past, the infamous Doctor Listor being the most nefarious of the bunch, and Jeff is not like them. He doesn't practise conventional therapy, he isn't only interested in soaking his clients for cash, he admits that he is wrong and he is very bright.

He also allows his patients to intrude into his life somewhat, not keeping them at arms length.

I AM arrogant. I know that I am arrogant. I just don't know how to be confident without being arrogant. I wasn't arguing that point with Jeffery. I was instead arguing that it wasn't an appropriate time for him to accuse me of arrogance. He was hammering at me when I was at a low point, nailing me to the ground.

Jeff has problems. He doesn't treat me enough like a patient, often delighting in torturing me or catching me in a mistake. He can be moody and sometimes childish. He sometimes admits mistakes but often he does not. He is imperfect. He is human.

He is still helpful to me.

I am not trying to accuse the person who emailed me of anything, I realize that from my depiction of the situation it would appear that Jeff was just a worthless jerkwad who was preventing me from making progress. I just want to state that this is not true. I want to thank him/her (I have an idea of which it is but I do not want to hint at his/her identity in any way/shape/form because he/she chose to email me rather than comment on my journal presumably for a reason.) for making me think about things.

My GED class didn't go too well today. Only two people showed up. I felt like crap. I remain optimistic.

Life keeps on churning by without ryhme or reason but I gotta hang on hang on hang on.

Ever had something that you really wanted to say but it was so big you had no idea of how to begin to express it? Like trying to swallow something huge without chewing first.

Then you DO know how I feel.

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