Too much too soon and I don't know what I'm doing. My left arm has felt a little bit asleep for the past couple days. I am pretty sure this is from leaning on it on the keyboard and pinching a nerve because when I use the keyboard in my normal position now it gets a little worse. That and the foot injury mean I'm kinda trapped. I shouldn't be using the computer but without it I will suffer, oh how I will suffer. Trapped in a paradox of my own making I have come to understand that transition periods are difficult.
I have felt much better this summer than I thought I would. I had one multi-day bout of depression but I have emerged with at least some stablity of mood. I am very much alone but I have started to stop feeling lonely. I talked with a friend from high school whose views I find repulsive and he treated me like I was an idiot. It hurt me and made me think less of myself. I guess Jeff's gonna be happy about that. He basically told me that I was incapable of comprehending him and that I was a conformist sap because I believe certain things. Maybe I am a worthless piece of conformist shit only seen as smart becuase I recycle the same old bullshit that people already believe.
Thinking that I'm worthless is easy.
I called my mother yesterday and tried to talk to her in a logical and unconfrontational manner and it worked a lot better than I thought it would. She says she's going to make an effort to change. She says we will get things in shape between us. She says she misses me.
It's funny what the random email solicitations make me think. Sometimes I think that if there is a meaningful entity or organization out there watching me (as I often fantasize but do not believe. It would be awesome if tomorrow I would be told "We've been watching you and we understand your merits. You don't have to spend 15 years proving yourself to assholes just to get a chance to start learning about the things that really interest you") they might attempt to communicate through some of these messages and that it might be smart to check some out to see if any are interesting or if they are all bullshit. Then I think that if that's the best way the organization can think of to communicate with me, fuck them.
Sometimes I think that I must have done something really stupid to get on all the filthy porn mailing lists I'm on. I have no interest in almost any of the stuff they send me and porn sites are almost always really annoying to shut down so I delete those straight off. I have no clue why ANYONE would want to look at pictures coming from a letter that say s "Is it wrong just because she's young enough to be my daughter?" That's just sick. The thing is that most young males get these messages so there is someone out there buying demographic info from innocent stuff (like say my registration on IGN.Com which allows me to look at their strategy guides which I got so I could find out all the cool throw moves in Tekken Tag Tournament) and sending out pornspam. Does this work? I think it's lame advertising and sending me the same thing 5 times just makes me angry, not more interested.
The one that got me thinking today was "Be more sexually attractive to females." It made me realize that the only reason I would WANT to be more sexually attractive to females would be so I could reject them. If I want to be brutally honest with myself I know I am not ready for a relationship, not the type to want a fling, and all my fantasies of the future involve solitude. If someone came up to me right now and asked me whether I would prefer a stable relationship with my soulmate (ignoring the fact that that's an incredibly loaded term for a second) or to go through life constantly rejecting desireable women I don't know which one I'd pick. I know which one is healthy and likely to lead to a fuller richer existance, but I also know which one is safe and protected. It's sick and I'm glad that I'm far below most women's radars so I don't really have to deal with it. Being undesireable is safe too I guess.
How is it that I can know that some of my thoughts and attitudes are negative and hurtful and still be unable to change them? I can say out loud that something isn't helpful and then in a few hours I can be lying on the couch running a familiar montage of "No thanks, Goodbye, and I'm busy" threw my head. Sick man. Sick.
Women are not all I think about but it's the one aspect of my life that is completely undeveloped. Everything else, friendship philosophy success maturity etc, seem to grow at their own clip and yet the gender with the bumpy chests and I remain completely unconnected. It's just a bullshit monologue running through my head based in almost no experience and ultimatly not very useful. It's easier to jump to conclusions than to be patient.
My pattern of walking around alone and with my eyes on the floor seems better and better as I think about it. Safe is comfortable.
I had more to write about but I don't really know what it is. I wish my reading was going better but I've been involved in other stuff which is sort of helpful to me and so I'm not too upset about it. With my arm all messed up it's hard to concentrate so that's okay too.
You know this journal has started to seem like a private conversation between myself and my shrink. Only three people besides my psychologist and friends who I forced to have ever read it, and all three of them have stopped looking at it along with my friends. That just leaves me and jeff. It's starting to feel like a violation of his boundaries.
I need to get out more or I need to die. Either or.