I'm playing one of those games again. One of those games where I work a situation to allow myself to feel rejected. To feel the pleasant pain of knowing that I'm worthless. Where I play the "Nobody loves me because I'm unloveable" card and revel in the unfairness of my existance. Take pleasure in the fact that my life was a mistake and I deserve to feel sorry for myself because a miserable worthless being myself should feel no other way. I can't stop it right now, and I don't think I want to stop it right now.
I'm an emotional masochist and the great thing about that is I can convince myself that it's others who are hurting me, thereby cutting out the middle man and not even requiring a partner to HURT SO GOOD.
God I'm fucked up.
When I think about suicide these days it's not to stop the hurt, it's because the world would be better off without me. So much better off.