Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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If I could make you smile that would really be a breakthrough

People who speak out against self-medication don't understand how necessary it is sometimes. There are times when you just get so low that you need the little bump that whatever your drug of choice will bring. For me it's a combination of TV, videogames, and food, all combined into one heady combination of escapism.

The food is probably a bad idea. It's like a fallback but a dangerous one. Call it the equivalent of cigarettes or vodka with a vodka chaser or a plunger of heroin pressed lovingly into a vein.

The TV is crappy. I don't see why anybody loves Raymond, he's as self-involved as Seinfeld without the cleverness or comeuppance. Ray Romano was on the list of 100 greatest standups. Larry David was not. Larry David is the Rodney Dangerfield of standup comics. Wait, that's not true, Rodney was on the list!

Videogames are the hard stuff. Addictive as hell, and soothing in some fundamental way that I don't yet understand. Last night it was NBA Ballers. I took on Clyde "The Glide" Drexler on his homecourt and took it to "The Glide" with the passion. I don't know what it is that gives the videogame such a potent escapist power. I think it's the way that they draw you in and give you something to focus your energies and attention on. When Clyde is up by 6 and closing in on the winning score you are focused on keeping the ball away from him, making sure to stay in positions for blocks, and bringing it to the hoop with speed and confidence to avoid his gaining more a lead. You aren't thinking about world hunger, your failure with women, or what you have to do tomorrow. You're thinking "Fucking Clyde is fouling me like a motherfucker! I'll get him for that." And you can. Videogames are winnable in a way that life is not. Small victories, it's true, but when you're desperate for a victory they WILL do. World hunger isn't going to go away. That girl will probably never give you the time of day. You may not do all your work satisfactorily, there may not be time left. Clyde "The Glide" Drexler WILL go down, and if he doesn't you can always reset and take it to him again.

Small victories count for something.

I'm not sure why I never became a drunk or a druggie. I think that opportunity has passed me by but I don't know why I never started it to begin with. I guess I value my mind too much, or I'm just such a social outcast that nobody has invited me to drink or enjoy mind altering substances.

Today I wake up, go to an extraneous weight lifting class because I'm too much of a pussy to ask Mr. Macho Camacho 5'7" gym instructor how many cuts I have left (he intimidates me with his hateful sadism) and then try to sign up for summer school. I have work to do, oodles of it. Oodles and oodles.

All I want to do is listen to "Breakthru" by Queen and imagine myself 5 years from now when I may not be as fundementally broken.

I won't though. I shall get mine ass out of this uncomfortable chair, shower it with water and lathered soap, wash those tears right out of my hair, and surge forward once more into the breech.

There sure are a lot of gay guys on livejournal. I wonder why this is. Is it some sort of attunement to their feminine side or the result of feelings of ostracism by gay men that forces them to seek out communities (like the online ones) where there's enough of them to form their own social nets or be more than a relatively insignificant minority of dudes (2-7% is it?)

Gay guys are interesting becuase they don't 'get' why women are so intoxicating. Of course this isn't an intellectual or moral failing, it's just a developmental fact, but it's still interesting. Lesbians get it. Straight girls don't get it, but then they are inscrutable in general so why WOULDN'T they go "wow, penises are just so awesome!"? But gay men. They are rational and comprehensible in pretty much every way except that they don't understand why seeing a pair of perfect tits can change your worldview. It's like someone who is perfectly normal except that they don't understand gravity, or time.
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