Still my Inbox keeps filling, invitations that feel like accusations that I wasted my college career and life. I got so pissed at one of them, targetted directly at me, that I emailed back the person who sent it. It was telling me how I could register for the Senior dinner and where to pay them. It did not take into account the idea that I might not want to attend that dinner. The woman responded to my email saying that she completely understood my position and that I should have a great remainder of the semester. 3 days later she emailed me again with the same email informing me that by some act of great oversight I hadn't registered for the dinner and listing the steps I could take to rectify this situation. I didn't bother responding.
The thing is that these parties will be full of young men who had sex with dozens of attractive and mostly drunk young women during their college careers. They will be moving on to positions of prestige and power where it will make logical sense for them to support the Bush tax-cuts and they will have tinted windows on their limosines so they don't have to see the homeless people sleeping near the underpass on their way to the airport.
I will still be in school, trying to figure out what I want to do with my little scrap of life. It's not that I'm jealous, not in the conventional sense. I don't want what they have, except for the sense of purpose and direction. I could probably excel in law school, I have enough intelligence to impress and the ability to relate to normal people that some people with intelligence do not, and I am confident I could do well. The thing is I've started down that path and I don't like where it leads. That's not where I want to go. Speaking of places I don't want to go let's get back to the parties:
I know they will be primarily populated by geeks. They will be populated by geeks because the school is populated by geeks, and because the cool cool cats are downtown at tony clubs feigning disinterest at celebrities. The thing is that even the geeks will be cooler than me, more connected than me. I have no group of friends. Most of my aquaintances are in General Studies. And there's also...aww fuck it
The real truth is that I don't feel comfortable in large social gatherings and I don't relate well to people who are my age. That's fine, I accept that, let's move on.
I don't have anything I want to write right now which is probably a good thing for my school work but incredibly dangerous for my mental health. I want to write every day but what are you supposed to do on those days when you sit down and you just don't have anything to say? I'm journaling, but that's not enough right now.
I am full of self loathing. I'm fat. I'm offensive. I'm not as smart as I think I am. I'm not a good writer. I'm not a good person. I'm wasting my life. I'm spending too much money. I'm not worthy of the rights and privaleges of humanity. I'm a waste of resources for society.
Somehow I don't feel too bad though. As REM says, it's the little things that pull you under but it's also the little things that pull you through. Like the way Freddie Mercury says "Roger Taylor" in a reggae voice on "The Invisible Man." It's hard to stay truly dreary in a world that has little touches like that.
That's the level of polish that I love in art. The kind of touch that turns something merely journeymanlike to a display of mastery and professionality. It's one of the things that my writing lacks. Maybe I'll never achieve it, maybe it's impossible to achieve without a good editor or the kind of practice that takes decades.
Hollywood doesn't always have that polish. In the trailer for that new Al Pacino movie he says "You can't just open Pandora's box and then expect to just close it again." Two "just"s do not a polished screenplay make.
Life rolls onward unstopping. I need to take my second shower of the day, get dressed, turn in my summer school application, and then attend class followed by teaching GED. Only then will I achieve the true enlightenment some call sleep.