On Thursday I had my last class of my Seminar. It went fairly well and I'm not sorry I took it in retrospect. Anyway, at the end of the class this girl, who had previously interupted a conversation I was having with an aquaintance, decided to start talking to this about pirate radio in order to aid his paper. I tried to jump in by adding some comparisons to Graffiti artist De La Garza who is on trial in New York City and also some other stuff about smallband radio. They ignored me. I tried to make the same point again, again just NO response. I wandered off. Later we chatted briefly but she clearly just didn't want to talk to me. That's okay, I can deal with it. The aquaintance also grabbed Jerk-boy's e-mail address to ask him about Law school. We left together and talked a bit. He said that if I'm around next year we could hang out, but he didn't get my email or phone number and I didn't feel like he meant it. I have his email, and have emailed him 3 times in the past to no response.
Two people, one of whom I felt was sort of a friend, were more interested in the jerk with nice hair and a proven nasty streak than they were in me. That's not unexpected, he's got all kinds of social capital in the form of good looks, acceptance to Yale Law school, and he's an athlete to boot. He's not dumb either, although I don't feel intellectually intimidated by him. It's not that I don't understand why it all happened, it's just that I'm not sure what I could have done to change the outcome, short of becoming a handsome and socially focused asshole. That's not a step I am willing to take.
Despite fully understanding why things happened the way they did I think these incidents helped to fuel my self-loathing on Thursday. It was just one night of it and then I recovered and wrote my paper and have returned to a state of equilibrium. Part of this is because I've toughened up as I've aged and I no longer care so much when I'm socially rejected. Part of it is that neither of these people meant all that much to me. I can thus right my ship and keep on going.
However, were something like this to happen with somebody who I have invested energy and emotional thoughts in, well, it would more difficult to recover. More of a powerful blow and less of a game. That's why I won't try to even talk to LHG and that's why I will continue to deal with my social isolation in a passive manner, being open to new people and experiences but not purusing them. It is the most prudent course for the time being and as long as I'm socially undesireable and incompetent it's probably the best thing for me to be doing.
I don't define my worth by social contacts. I firmly believe that I'm more interesting and fun to be around than most other people and I'm satisfied just being by myself. I can entertain me easily. That doesn't mean that I'm not vulnerable to social rejection or pain and those are things I'd like to minimize. I know that the rewards can be great, but one has to consider the risks.