Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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He only wants a pretty face by him

I should be reading frantically in preparation for my third paper. Instead I'm writing this, and I'm not completely sure why. What I do know is that I woke up lonely and disaffected, and I wanted to write this. I got an extension on the paper until thursday, so I can probably spare the time. Not really, but I'm going to make time.

What gets to me are not the big things or the sexual things, they are the little lost moments. Like seeing a C. Thomas Howell movie on cable and not having anybody to mock it with. There he is, in all his C. Thomas Howell glory, up on screen acting like a COMPLETE idiot. Then he starts to rap and I look around frantically but there's nobody there to make the obligatory Soul Man cracks with. Nobody to hear me exclaim "Wow, check that out. Somebody better get this guy a major motion picture where he insults 14% of the population and elicits not a single intended laugh while immolating any chance he ever had a serious career. STAT. Oh...phew...not to worry...that's already been covered. We're good. False alarm."

In the moment it's hilarious. Outside the moment...a little less so. A little less so.

I don't know, maybe the off chance that you might see C. Thomas Howell on a television screen is not the most compelling reason to seek someone else out, but if I'm being honest it's probably the thing I want most.

As a side note, if you are ever in a confined space such as an elevator or train car with Mr. C. Thomas Howell I BESEECH you to either humm or sing under your breath the chorus of "Soul man." Just a few "I'm a SOUL MAN, doot doot doot doot doo doo (x2)"s should be sufficient. He may assault you. It may cost you your teeth and a few of your limbs. I think it would be worth it. Heck, imagine the stories alone.

"Gee Steve, I noticed your pinky doesn't bend all the way back like it should. What happened?"

"I mocked C. Thomas Howell in an enclosed space."

*grim nod* "I thought so."

Can you say Chick MAGNET? Mag-NET

The thing is, sometimes the absurdity of the world just gets to me. Someone actually decided that the best thing to do with several million dollars was to spend it producing a buddy comedy starring C. Thomas Howell, Jason Bateman (who is great in Arrested Development, but whose previous highpoint as a thespian came in Teen Wolf Too) and Johnathan Silverman (The lesser buddy in Weekend at Bernie's. He's no Andrew McCarthy and that's saying something profoundly hurtful.) This didn't strike someone as an absurd thing to do with that amount of money.

"Hi Tad. We have about $5 million sitting here. There are orphans in Belize who desperately need medicine. I'll tell you what though, what if we used the money on a C. Thomas Howell movie, and let the orphans die? Just a thought."

"Hmm...not a bad idea Thad. In fact I think the orphans would WANT us to make a C. Thomas Howell movie with this money. I think that would mean more to them than 55 more years of life. I mean they're in Belize. We're doing them a favor, honestly."

I know that the process isn't like that, and it involves a series of presumably rational decisions, but when you get right down to it what's being said is that this C. Thomas Howell movie, which some people might see but NOBODY is going to remember even 3 months after viewing it, is more valuable than the lives of strangers. I can understand this when it comes to something like Adaptation or Lord of the Rings. Art is meaningful and important and it has a value that can be comparable to medicine or science or anything else. But useless unfunny comedies with D grade stars?

Every time you spend $10 on a Freddie Prinz Jr. movie that's $10 you could be donating to a worthy cause. Do you really need to see a Freddie Prinz Jr. movie?

I don't feel like a hypocrite saying this because although I don't donate financially I have donated quite a bit of my time to the less fortunate, in the GED teaching and my summer internship. I've started to do my part. And if I ever do get wealthy I have told myself that I will donate something like half my income to charities, possibly more if I get super rich and can be set for life.

I can't see myself putting a yacht above a little girl's operation or a nice watch above corn meal for starving people. It's not in my nature.

I should get back to work. It's going okay and the argument is forming, shouldn't be too tough to hand in something decent this time.

Working in the paper mines going down down.

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