You see today started out like any other day. A little hotter than most, I'll admit, as it was a May day. But who knew that this May day would lead to the mayhem that has wracked our society?
You see today, in Massachusets, a recent judicial ruling that gays must be allowed to married took effect. There had been gay marriages before, sure, but those were quasi-legal things enabled by rogue politicians. This was the first time in the history of the United States that such unions were unquestionably sanctioned by law.
The predictable result has been armageddon.
It started out with only minor atrocities. A few people of the same sex exchanged vows and kisses, becoming legally bound to one another. Each such union was naturally an offense against God and Nature, and far far worse than the torture and sodomizing of prisoners in Iraq (Sodomy of prisoners for the purpose of torture is pretty bad, but sodomy for the pleasure of both partners? That's like crucifying Jesus all over again.)
At 6:00 AM this morning God abandoned America. He had been our protector lo these hundreds of years, had put up with our turning our back on him when we freed the negroes he had provided us as labor and even allowed our womenfolk to make decisions independent of the guidance of their masters. He stood fast when we waged a pointless war to rescue the Jews, who he long ago grew tired of, from extermination. He even put up with Depeche Mode. This latest atrocity was too much, however, and He is no longer guarding us.
At 6:03 the ground split open and an army of skeletal gays rose. Summoned back to life by ex Giants great and demonic hellspawn Gaylord Perry, they proceeded to make Night of the Living Dead look like a heartwarming tale of triumph and glory. They overwhelmed the defenses of most small towns in a matter of minutes, gaying to death sheriffs and police officers alike with no mercy.
At 6:07 the hordes of living gays started to join their dead compatriots. Hair salons and fashion design houses belched forth an army of the damned more powerful than any one could imagine. They flooded the streets dressed in war garb, mesh T-shirts and ripped jeans for the men and full body flannel for the women. Gay people have been denied access to the military in the United States for many years. I assumed it was because they were inferior warriors. This is certainly not the case. With acid spitting penises and vaginas that can rip through steel they easily overwhelmed the national guard. The human tonngue is the strongest muscle in the body, pound for pound. A lesbian's tongue is like a steel cable, crushing heads and armies like Gallagher on Watermellons.
By 11:00 they had taken most of the major metropolitan areas. The only place safe was inside the Whitehouse where the gays are afraid to venture because of what they call 'The Darkness.' Jerry Faldwell was ranting and raving about how he saw this coming but his life was ended when a rubber dildo was shoved through his eye into his brain. RIP reverend Faldwell, you had it right all along. 9/11 was just a warning.
At 12:15 the government announced that gays are not humans. They are some sort of hybrid creature. Part human but part, something else. That's why they want to have and raise children. They want to turn people into...them. It doesn't look like we're going to be able to stop them. Our weapons are useless against their homosexuality. The government captured a few and tried every reasonable method of negotation. It piled them into naked pyramids. It stuck chemical lights into them. It even hooded them and put electrodes all over their bodies (they liked that one.) It was to no avail.
It's 2:30 now. I am still alive, but only because there are so many in New York. So many to be killed. The streets run red now with heterosexual blood. Truly these are the last days. Soddom and Gomorrah were nothing like this. I can hear them outside, killing, maiming, rending society asunder. Oh why oh why didn't we listen? Why didn't we heed the warnings? Raping and abusing prisoners is fine. That's the mark of a strong society. So is hiding the fact that you did this. But allowing gay people to join in a wonderful union of spirits and love? That is the worst thing that America has ever done and it has been our undoing. Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!
The strains of Right Said Fred are rising. They are coming for me now. I hope that the internet still exists. I hope someone will see this someday and be warned. Do not let the gays destroy you as they have America. Do not fall victim to their lies.
Don't end up like us.