Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Deposit for my thoughts

I have mental blue balls at the moment. I was about to release a lot of stuff at someone I've been talking to on a rather superficial level but I held back at the last minute and tried to do some damage control for the stuff that I started to say. Now I have all these thoughts and feelings and this desire to be meaningful and profound caught up in my mind like a pool of semen pressing on my prostate gland. It's an odd feeling. It's like the other day when I was spiraling downward and I couldn't cry and finally a few hours later I did. There are so many metaphors involving sex.

A thing just happened that I am going to be in denial about forever. I will never not be in denial about it. It's not too important if I don't think about it.

There are things that I can't even tell strangers.

There are things I can't talk about with Jeff, that I believe he knows or guesses about but is kind enough not to talk about with me. Things that are unsaid and not so much bad as humiliating.

By even mentioning them here I run the risk of exposing myself to healing the wounds, but these wounds are shallow and don't NEED healing and will be extremely painful to fix.

There are things that Jeff and I don't talk about. Small secrets that we keep hidden from one another. Half truths we say because it's easier.

One of the problems of knowing your therapist as a real live person is that it's easier to understand that he is JUDGING you as people judge eachother and he's not a robot. He might think of you as pathetic or stupid or any number of things. He might even grow to hate you. I know stuff about Jeff's personal life and how he judges other people and it scares me.

Right now I want to crawl into a hole and die. I hate the fact that the past can't be erased.

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