Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Bill Murray Must be some kind of crazy whore for money right now -Jon Stewart, most awesomest host

I've done enough marinating in my own intellectual juices, it's time for me to serve myself, piping hot, to a world that doesn't want me but is too polite to send me back. I want to go out there and contribute, to get a chance to work on something that's GOING somewhere and see whether I have a contribution to make. My confidence is ebbing, as my output quality does the same. It's frustrating, not just the waiting or the fact that I haven't been able to produce anything that I like, but not knowing exactly what the cause is. It's really rough.

At least the weight loss stuff is going okay. Not only am I losing pounds on the scale but my body is starting to return to familiar looking territory. Fat, yes, but fat like a linebacker who has really let himself go. I've been getting a few more of the "Do you play football?" questions recently, and while they bring up one of my regrets in life they are also not horrible for the ego. Of course I have a long way to go, a very long way indeed, but at least this is a recognizable step along the road.

As for what I've been doing with myself, well it's been mostly TV and Playstation to tell the truth. I've also been sleeping a lot, and still waking up groggy, which sucks. I've started reading a book on how the Tax Law favors the wealthy and I've made progress in the biography of John Kennedy Toole (I'm all about the light and funny reading!)

The best moment of the last few weeks was probably hearing the quote listed above. Stewart actually had balls big enough to call Garfield the turd that it surely is right there in front of everyone. That's why he's not going to get a network show, and why he's so much better than Letterman and Leno. He's a New Yorker at heart, and he just can't put up with the L.A. bullshit, no matter how hard he tries. I think I may have to add him to my list of funny Jew Idols, with Andy Kaufman and Larry David.

The Reagan funeral crap is getting to be too much now. Yes, he had a gentle cowboy image. Yes, he did some crappy movies. A good husband and father? Why not? He doesn't need to be on every channel 12 hours out of each day. There are a lot of good husbands and fathers who die every year. I don't like the whole celebrity aspect of politics. I don't want a leader I can look up to as more than human or all knowing, I want one I can trust to make good decisions and serve the people. Ronald Reagan was not such a president.

I find it difficult to say why I feel the way I do right now. A lot of it is frustration with where I am in life right now. My youth is slipping away, it's not gone yet but it's going, and I haven't done anything. I don't have any wild stories of debauchery. I don't have any great accomplishments. I have a degree but not in anything that I want to pursue. I haven't even had the guts to try and fail at a lot of things I wanted. I was cynical and detached for the last ten years and people told me not to be, but it turns out that was a mistake. I understand process. I understand that people have to go through rough times to get to the good and that things could be worse. I'm frustrated though. I feel like I am capable of achievements, but I can't figure out how to find the opportunity. I'm not writing enough and there's no excuse for that. No good excuse.

Losing weight is more important than I've admitted. I think it's really the first step I need to take. I'm taking it, and that's good. I'm also refusing to completely give in on other areas. I think that's a good thing. I believe myself to be pointed in the right direction, I just need some wind in my sails. It's difficult. I'm muddling through.
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