Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Dr. X strikes again! And I ramble incoherently in respone! Film at 11!

So I recieved another email from the mysterious Dr. X this morning.

Dr. X suggested that I might want to become a writer because my characters would get to live my life for me. It's an interesting thought but I don't think it's true. What appeals to me most about being a writer is having people understand me better. I think that some of the things I think and feel are foreign to a lot of people, or at least not things that they have carefully shaped into concious propositions. Maybe this is just more arrogance, but I think that I might have something to SAY to a certain segment of the population. Not the idle musings of this journal which is really just an exercise in self indulgence for me, but in a carefully thought out story or even an essay. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I have nothing interesting to say, but I would love to go INTO a conversation with someone with them already understanding some of my moral stances and some of the ideas that are complicated enough to not be worth writing down in a journal which is primarily for my own benefit and not influential in any way shape or form.

Dr. X also stated that while s/he offered to let me vent at him/her s/he did not offer to help me. I find this an odd statement since what would be the point of venting at someone if not for the response. If I just want to write down my thoughts I have this journal. Which is not to say that I am upset with the mysterious Dr. X for his/her offer, but merely that I still think that the offer WAS an offer of assistance.

Which comes to another point which is that I think that Dr. X and I have certain interesting things in common. I have surmised, perhaps incorrectly, that we both have an easier time offering help than accepting it. We both seem not to fit well into large, conventional social groupings, and we both have strong interpersonal insecurities. I have told Dr. X in the past that I welcome his/her comments and s/he is having trouble accepting my acceptance. Been there. Done that. Wrote the journal entry.

(Am I violating the good Doctor's confidence by commenting so directly on his/her emails in this journal when s/he has made it clear that s/he intends these as private messages? Is it what s/he is saying or THAT s/he in particular is saying these things that s/he wants to keep private? I don't know. I don't consider this a violation but if it is I guess I'm sorry, not because I wrote the above paragraph but because I couldn't decode/remember what you said as well as I wish I could.)

Dr. X also asked me who my social group is, and the truth of the matter is that I can't easily answer that. In school I tend to gravitate towards the mid to late twenties crowd. Charles is 39 and he and I get along pretty well. Jeff is 48 or so and he's pretty swell although that relationship is not so much a friendship as a muddled mess of different stuff (and no you sickos it's not sexual, it's just that occasionaly he lapses into very patriarchal comments such as "I guess you inherited the feeling that you have to save the world from me." Is a patient supposed to inherit from a shrink? I leave that for you to figure out.) The fact of the matter though is that none of these relationships is entirely fulfilling. I would say that my relationship with Jeff is the best. I feel that I can tell him almost anything and he will at least have some idea what I am talking about. He's very bright so I don't need to reign in my intelligence with him. The thing is that it's so structured within the context of the sessions that I don't feel comfortable doing friendly stuff with him, and that the amount of honesty in it is almost frightening at times. He knows more about me than I do about him and that makes it unbalanced.

I don't know that I've ever had a truly tight friendship. They've all been qualified by other stuff. I have yet to find a true counterpart male or female. Is that becuase I'm inferior, superior, or just plain different than most folk? I don't know. Do most people have a true best friend? I don't know. I don't think most people have what I would consider true love.

I do feel like I'm at an advanced age in certain respects. Most Americans lose their virginity at age 14 or so (I don't know how accurate that statistic is) whereas I've never even so much as danced with a girl (besides when I was like 10 and at elementary school and even then I was so shy that I held her just by my fingertips and she eventually got fed up and grabbed my hands and put them around her waist and I was so embarassed that I couldn't talk to her for a year.) Most people my age have held jobs and I never really has. Part of this is because I don't want to do some mindless task over and over again. Part of it is because I don't have enough confidence to believe that I could even GET a job. Part of it is because I have a fair amount of money and don't need 11 bucks an hour at the moment. Part of it is because I am afraid of having to pay taxes and making a mess of it. Part of it is because I don't know.

A lot of it is that I am terrified of failure, something that a reader might not know if s/he has not read my back entries.

I am behind in many ways and the gulf gets bigger and bigger and bigger. In terms of females, I don't know how to ask them out, what I would do with one if she said yes, or what she would expect from me. Considering that I would only ask out a girl who intrigued me in a specific and meaningful way, and that they are few and far between, by not dating at all in high school I leave myself unprepared for any opportunity that might eventually come my way. Not that I'm ready for it right now, but if I were to be some day I would find myself emotionally ready and without the neccesary skills. Ahh sweet irony.

Dr. X suggests that I am afraid of appearing to be a woman hating misogynist. This is true. The thing is that I don't hate women, I'm just conflicted in my thoughts/feelings about them. The other thing is that for whatever reason the only people who appear to be interested in responding to this journal happen to be female. Maybe it's because I'm not masculine enough although I've always considered myself to be a decently manly man for a geek. I don't want to offend the people who are reading this journal, or make them feel like they're not welcome, because that's exactly the problem I often have when reading/watching "chick" flicks/books. Like there is an inherintly anti-male energy there. When that energy is not there, I find myself able to enjoy whatever is. I don't want this journal to have anti-female energy, like "Estrogen soaked braintissue BEGONE!" Which is not to say that I really want to censor my journal, but more my writing in general. I pride myself on my writing and I want it to be accessible to more than 48 percent of the population. This journal is not brilliant. It is not life changing. It is not even all that interesting to people who aren't me. I can at least make it honest and inoffensive at the same time.

I also recognize that there's a lot of anti-female energy out there. A lot of men view women as sex objects. All but the most emotionally healthy men would rather be defeated by a man than a woman in certain areas. A lot of the anti-female energy is not based in rational thought. It is based in greed and fear and the fact that men are more physically powerful than women and it makes some feel superior. Or at least I think it is. Anyway I am not the type of person who believes that just because you have a feeling you have the right to act on it. If my feelings about females are based at least in part in irrationalities and bad thinking (which I believe in part they are) then I don't want to have those feelings. I don't want to own them and be responsible for them. I want to state that I have them but I don't like having them. And that's not for any audience, that's for me. Because I believe in the golden rule of do unto others, and I don't want to be seen as "bad" just because I have a Y chromosome and a penis.

I do have a problem with people who say "Women can do anything men can do as well or better" though. I'm willing to except equality but inferiority. There are also differences and things that men can do better than women along with things women can do better than men.

So anyway Dr. X, if it still suits you to send me email feel free to do so. I appreciate feedback and find some of your opinions/ideas interesting. I think that you do have your own issues which perhaps have not been dealt with to an extent, but that doesn't invalidate what you have to say. We're all just flawed entities learning about what it is to be human, right?

P.S. What is Narkiness? Those of us from the colonies don't know your crazy britspeak (I assume Brit because you say bloke, but that could be an affectation or Aussie?)
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