I want always to come off as intelligent and interesting. I don't always succeed. I don't think anybody who'se remotely healthy is always 'on' Sometimes you need to step back and be stupid. The problem is that this Journal is such a one sided affair. I send and send and send out into the void and I get little in the way of feedback (which is appreciated, but still quite limited.) So it's hard to tell when I'm being an idiot. The other thing is that if someone thinks you are being an idiot, chances are they will just look for another random journal. A more interesting one. They won't say "hey, that was a dumbass thing to think/feel/write." So in effect no news is bad news. But then again I don't WANT to make this artificially easy reading and dilute the complexity or depth of my thoughts. So it would stand to reason that in that case no news might be good news, meaning that the journal is sufficiently meaningful to drive away those who are just casually browsing for light reading. Argh.
There's something inherintly unfullfilling about this project for me. I've still got the safety on. I can say "People don't connect with what I'm writing because I'm writing for me and not for communication" or "People aren't commenting because they don't know what to say" or "I probably don't pop up on that many random requests so I would bet only tens of people have even seen this journal, and a large percentage of them might have been turned off by the barebones presentation and pretentious writing." I am still giving myself an out. That's not really healthy for me at this point. I should force myself to come to a point where I can say "No Ben, nobody is responding to your writing. But that's okay. You just need to work on YOUR craft and not worry about THEM. You aren't perfect, and maybe you aren't even good YET. But that doesn't mean you can't become good." But I won't.
Because I can't. (force the issue, not become good. I think I might be able to become a good writer with training focus and discipline.)
Dr X asked me to define "Fulfilling People."
I don't remember where in my writings this concept came from, I'm not even sure it's from my writing, but it's interesting and it does have too seperate meanings. I will try to define what I think they are.
Fulfilling People as a noun modified by an adjective:
I think that this differs for everyone. Who are the people who fulfill neccesary functions in your life? What are they like? The people who you are better for having met. The people who give you something you never got anywhere else. For me the people I have fulfilling relationships with are those who have both their heads in the clouds and their feet in the ground. People who can get deep into academic or philosophical discussions but who never forget grim realities either. People who can balance a discussion of aesthetics with one about how unfair capitalism is and balance THAT with knowledge of how to do practical things and the desire to make a difference. I think that fulfilling people is an incorrect construction, I would think you could only have fulfilling RELATIONSHIPS with people, but it's an interesting one.
As a present partciple verb form acting on an indirect object (I think, I dunno, I'm not so hot with grammatical definitions.)
I think that while you can't fulfill someone you can fulfill a role they need for their advancement. You can act as a catalyst for someone to step from one stage to another and in doing so help them fulfill their promise, or fulfill the role of that part of their life or whatever. I think that it's very important for people to do this for one another since we ARE social animals and the benefit gained from a strong interpersonal bond is quite startling in its size and complexity.
I guess a third, even less clear, definition would be the act of turning a person into the person that they are capable of being. Helping them fulfill thier potential as a human being. That's kinda stretching it though.
If I used this phrase myself I'm sorry, it was a bad turn of phrase. If not, well it's an interesting concept but I'm not sure how easily it can be comprehended. On the other hand, the things that need to be said are often the ones that are not easy to understand.