Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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On confidence and girls, with regards to me never the twain shall meet

I feel more confident in my abilities these days than I have in quite awhile. The creativity is starting to flow in the back of my mind and it breaks into my consciousness now and again with little comedy routines or snatches of movie conversation to be incorporated later. I'm starting to burst at the seams and that's a good thing. The discipline still isn't there but hopefully it will come. I need a job to keep me occupied during the day so I can focus on writing poorly at night. I know this but I'm dreading it. Life is complicated, I want to sit around figuring it out but that's a losing proposition. I came up with the term "Non-practicising heterosexual" which I think could be really good in the right sort of smarmy character's mouth. I'm probably not the first to come up with it but that won't prevent me from slotting it in somewhere.

I've decided to abandon my long-time scheme of naming my journal entries with song lyrics. If I'm going to be creative and original then I'm going to have to force myself to write EVERYTHING I can. That includes lame titles for my journal. It was a good scheme while it lasted, something like 3 years.

Yesterday no less than two friends of mine were complaining to me about women. It was pretty typical stuff, boiling down to the belief that they deserved female companionship but weren't getting any. I had been thinking about this earlier myself, as I walked through my neighborhood where fresh-faced college girls scurry around like cockroaches, off to get drunk and presumably sleep with a bunch of guys I don't know. The sense of sexual betrayal among the geeky young male in our society is quite profound. I've heard tale of how the soldiers returning from World War II found their wives and girlfriends pregnant with the seed of those too weak or old or lucky to go over to France and almost die. Some have even claimed that this was a seminal cultural event and defined quite a bit of the following decades, a whole generation clinging to sexual pruditry (not a word, I know) because of loose lips of a kind other than those that sank ships. These days there's a similar feeling among a certain cadre of geeky young men, to which I unfortunately belong. All around is the culture is absolutely soaked in sex, and people are constantly complaining about it. "Young people are hooking up instead of getting involved in relationships. Teenage sex is up (or down) again! Condom use, herpes infection rates, abortion, date rape, violent rape, post-consent retraction rape. Women feel betrayed because they are having sex with men who then don't want relationships, or liberated because they are having guilt-free sex with men who don't expect relationships. Men don't want to marry because there's all this sex out there for the taking, unless they're gay in which case they do want to get married because of equality and stuff. Hugh Hefner sleeps with 7 women at once, the Olsen Twins just turned 18, and YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY."

It can be disheartening. If you're not getting laid you are probably defective, and you're missing all the wild sex of your youth that you're supposed to look back on with a smile when you're old (read 33) and married and getting schtupped about as often as the GOP website refers to Michael Moore as an unparalleled genius. High school ends, you go to college, and you're pretty confident that you're going to be swimming in poonanie when you arrive at an institution of learning filled with pretty women who will swoon over your innovative interpretation of Hegalian logic, or at least get drunk enough that their standards will drop to the point where even a schlubb like you will do. Some of you do get laid at this point and your story's done (for now, at least.) Some do not, and they become profoundly disillusioned, because they've heard that after college the pussy faucet gets turned back on and you're going to have to search and scrimp to find attractive female companionship when they're not forced to study and live within cock's reach of you. At this point some people develop a new strategy, which may or may not pay off. Some don't. They become depressed and angry and start to complain bitterly about the fact that women just don't want nice guys.

I should take a moment to talk about nice guys, because I think they are one of the least understood populations on earth. It's trendy among women to define a nice guy as a guy who likes doing things for women but doesn't want sex. This is actually the definition of a gay guy, but don't tell them, it'd be confusing. Some guys like to define themselves as nice because they don't know where to buy GHB or they're good at pretending that they care about the same sorts of causes that women care about. I don't really put these guys in that catagory either. A true nice guy is a guy who has principles and a moral framework that he adheres to. He is also relatively pleasant towards other people (I've just been disqualified) and cares about them for reasons beyond what they can do for him. This means that he will help a girl with her geometry homework without expecting sex, but not necessarily without wanting it. Oh, and for you girls out there, here's a little newsflash. You know all those nice guys who do a lot more for you than you do for them? You need them to be horny, because if they're not then you're a manipulative asshole. Rare is the guy who will spend 3 hours going over another GUY'S essay when he has one to write himself that night. I should know, I am such a guy, but that's partially because I'm lonely and partially because I'm weird. The exception proves the rule.

Anyway, do nice guys finish last? Sometimes. They are at a disadvantage when it comes to most women because they are by definition not agressive. This may be the year 2004, but girls still like to be asked out. It's biology and society working together to define rules that play against the sort of guy who likes to take his time and get to know a woman before awkwardly suggesting some kind of activity they might do together that may eventually lead to sex, but is not inherently sexual. Chances are that while he's warming up some other guy is going to swoop in and ask her straight out. If she's a really great girl she might say no because she knows that Chad Nicington is trying to initiate subtly, but she's not obligated to reject the other guy just because Chad might ask her out at some point in the future. Anyway, overconfident cocky assholes are naturally going to be asking a lot more women out than sweet, shy, fellows and a big part of the dating ritual is a numbers game, so they're going to have more success. But some nice guys are confident and successful. It's important to remember that.

So, betrayal. Eventually those in the nice camp who are not getting a share of the poonanie become bitter and disgruntled, like men in societies where there aren't enough women to go around. They either become agressive or overly passive, angry or depressed. Eventually the women grow up and get tired of screwing the guy with the biggest bikes and biceps and decide they want someone to settle down with, divorce, and take half the paycheck of. Or maybe they fall in love with someone and stay married, I don't know, I'm in my early 20's and haven't had much of a chance to observe the over 40 set. (Incidentily, this process helps explain why a lot of 'nice' guys care so much about how many partners their sweetie has had. Assholes care because they think every time they screw a girl it's like climbing a mountain, and they don't want to go to a popular tourist spot. 'Nice' guys care because the girls who've had a lot of partners are the ones who fucked the guys they hate in high school and college but not them, and they still resent that. I think that this resentment and sense of betrayal helps explain why they are so quick to call a woman a slut based on number of partners, rather than more reasonable measures like whether she cheated on past boyfriends or had sex with active criminals.) The point is that eventually most of the guys who haven't been getting much will start having somewhat regular sex and get on with the rest of their lives. Some never do. Isaac Newton died a virgin as far as we know, while his arch-rival Robert Hooke was getting Sir Mix-a-lot booty (I don't know that to be a fact.) However in their early 20's these hapless guys tend to do a whole lot of whining. I've done my fair share of it, although not so much recently.

I think the key thing that these guys have to realize is that sex is not a meritocracy. It's not something you earn through hard work and virtue. It's not something that's distributed according to egalitarian or fair principles, and it's not something that men can get without hard work, no matter where they rank according to a varity of measurements (unless it's towards the top.) Saying that nice guys finish last and meaning it in the way they do is somewhat like saying that non-working guys finish poor. If you're not going to ask anyone out, not going to be prowling for pussy, not going to risk the slings and arrows of cruel rejection, then you aren't going to find the wet pink honeypot at the end of the rainbow, period. So what if you have to work harder than the next guy? He has to work harder than you at calculas, you need to work harder than him at obtaining ass. It's a beautiful symmetry.

As for me? Well I've sort of accepted this as the way things are, and that's okay. Does that mean I'm going to be prowling the streets looking for a little night fever? Hell no. But I could, and if I flashed my class ring and world-class wit (arrogant much?) I might be able to find some. That's empowering, and for now that's enough. I wouldn't know what to do with a girl if I had one anyway, it'd be like dropping an alien artificat into my lap. I could poke at it and try to decipher some of the hieroglyphic writing on the side but it would be a mystery and I'd almost certainly fuck up the first 20 attempts to use it. I'm sort of okay with this. I've made choices and gotten fairly predictable outcomes from them. Nothing to complain about there, not really. I know this entry isn't perfect, I know it makes assumptions, I know it's got grammatical issues, but I'm hoping that the next time one of my friends complains about womankind and why it won't open its legs to him I will be able to point him here and at least start a constructive dialogue on the subject.

P.S. While I was watching the Tour De France they compared the distance being cycled today to the distance between Starkville Mississippi and Meridian Mississippi. Who the FUCK knows the distance between Starkville and Meridian Mississippi? What kind of bizzaro geographical comparison is that? How is that helpful? The funny thing is that the distance is also pretty similar to that between New York and Reading Pennsylvania (in fact New York to Reading is only 1 mile off the distance, while Meridian and Starkville is 5 miles off). So the broadcast team when faced with a choice between two bumfuck towns in the Deep South and the most important city in the world and a monopoly location made the assumption that more people were familiar with Meridian Mississippi than were familiar with New York. These kinds of things drive me absolutely insane, unless they are under the impression that all the viewers are rednecks who don't have much learnerin. The U.S. is a huge country, naming two random small cities here is of absolutely no help to 99% of the population. If it's not Atlanta or Housten or Portland or something like that we basically have only a vague idea of where it might be located. Besides, Americans suck at geography in general. Half of us couldn't tell you the difference between Kenya and Nova Scotia. Wait, are those the same province?
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