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July 17th, 2001

08:36 am

Woke up this morning and my head was all stuffed up, so forgive me if this entry is a bit lame. Or a lot lame

School is winding down and I'm going to have a lot of time to myself soon. No more schoolrooms no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks and all that. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Thank god I have Hee-Ann's class to teach or I'd be in danger of going crazy. I think that I'm about to have to face a very difficult truth, which is that I can't do the things that I need to do by myself. I'm going to have to seek out some sort of organized (or semi-organized) activity in which to grow on a personal and intellectual level. To be frank, that terrifies me. I hate the fact that I have to open myself up to rejection by a group of strangers, but I guess there's no "Grow intellectualy and personally in a completely non-judgemental environment" club at Columbia. The problem is that most of the people who will stimulate me are competitive and confident. I am neither. This is probably going to hurt, at least a little. Possibly as much as this summer's mistake did (and still does a litte.)

Hooboy.

I'm actually a little lonely right now, which is strange because yesterday was kinda busy and I hung out with a bunch of cool people. That usually fills me up with enough social contact for half a week.

I'm a little disapointed with how Art Class ended. The last class was basically entirely on Picasso's "Les Demosielles (or however you spell it, the pitchure of the brothel)" and I hate that picture a bunch so I was irritable and fidgity. We also didn't get a break so it was 2:05 straight through which drained me. Too bad, I got a lot out of that class and I think the instructor was quite good. Too bad the last image she's going to have of me is a wierd kid making a desperate attempt not to get overwhelmed and run out of the room.

I wrote earlier that I would probably have to choose between being brilliant, bitter, and alone against being normal and happy. I'd like to revise that and say the choice is more between being brilliant, bitter, and alone and being normal, depressed, and alone. Honesty dictates that I must admit that despite all the progress I may have made I still don't ever see myself entering an intimate and comfortable social space.

Thanks Dad, for teaching me the lesson that you can never trust anyone with your heart. Not even them what bore you.

05:28 pm

My friend just told me a truly depressing story. I'm not 100% that it's true but it's sucked a lot of joy out of my life. I feel terrible for him and totally unsure of my own future. I'm spiraling downward and I have 2 finals soon! GPA just got a LOT more important. This is pretty explosive and I am gonna get shreded by the shrapnell.

MISERYBURG! DEAD AHEAD!

Ain't no life rafts for the titanic of my soul.

Guess all I can do right now is

S
I
N
K

11:02 pm

Well I had my last real music class and it was not so bad. That's because the instructor didn't really teach it, she just showed movie clips and presentations. Anyway after class a bunch of us were standing around and talking about the test, and trying to explain to this one girl who thought she was going to fail the class if she didn't ace the test that nobody can fail a graduating senior who made a serious effort in the class on a bullshit core cirriculum class.

Anyway after that group broke up I was standing around and talking to that girl and a pretty cool guy from the class. We talked for like 15-20 minutes and then we had to all go home so the guy went one way and the girl and I went another way. We stopped outside the campus gates to talk for a few minutes more and then it started to rain and it was late so we headed out, but before we went our seperate ways she asked if we could trade telephone numbers.

Now I realize that this was a purely academic issue, she is worried about the test and I am the guy who talks most in class so she wants to study with me. She is also holding a big study session, with the whole class, tomorrow which I can't attend cause of prior commitments. Anyway this is no big deal except I realize now that this summer I have gotten contact information for two girls, and though both times it was for legitamate reasons, both times they were also the prettiest girls in the classes. I assume this is just coincedence, but am I subconciously discriminating based on looks?

That would be totally unfair of me considering my opinions on the matter.

I wonder if I am being more available or friendly around attractive women than I am around women I don't find attractive. This would not be a big shocker considering hormones and the male gender's reputation for "macking" but it's something I want to stomp out ASAP. I have no shot with either girl (both are graduates) but is my little head holding reign over my big head?

Next semester I have a new goal: Get an ugly girl's phone number/Email.
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