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July 22nd, 2001

08:59 am

Being a loser is easy. I should know. I've been wondering why so many of my entries have negative moods attached to them when I've been feeling pretty decent recently. I think part of it is that I tend to accentuate the negative in any given situation so if I'm feeling both anxious and accomplished, for example, I will only talk about being anxious. I think it also may be because I don't know HOW to feel good. I get in a situation where I'm used to feeling lousy and I just assume that's how I feel even if it's not, because I don't understand the actual emotions I'm having.

I told you it was easy to be a loser.

I talked to someone last night online who is either going through a lot of shit, or bullshiting me for shits and giggles. I said shit no less than three times in that last sensative, and if you're offended...well I don't give a shit. Anyway I talked to this person and I basically said a bunch of the stuff that Jeff's been telling me for the past 6 years (with changes for different problems/positions of course) and it made me realize just how hard this whole healing thing is. I know that all the stuff I told him/her won't make a lick of difference because it will seem unconvincing in morning's light. Human beings are so complicated and it's so hard to get inside yourself because you can't get outside yourself. You have no leverage on your own psyche.

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I put down artistic and it's true but there's about three billion emotions racing around in my mind. I used a metaphor last night which I think is pretty good for my situation. It's like I've emerged from a 7 year tunnel and now I'm blinded by the light. Or maybe I'm still in the tunnel and I just passed a sunbeam. I don't know.

If my mother was not returning from South Africa to turn my life into hell soon, I might even feel pretty good about myself right now. Thank god there's always mommy dearest to bring me back down.

06:58 pm

I was supposed to hang out with some high school buddies today, but they ditched me because they are punks so I hung out with Hee-Ann and his "friend" from DC instead. I just managed to basically force them out of my house because the friend was really getting on my nerves and I wanted some alone time. I feel like I'm outgrowing my companions and I don't know what to do about it. When you'd rather be alone then with a couple other guys I think that shows a definite lack of socialization, especially since I don't exactly have reams of friends.

That girl from music class called me again today to talk about an email I sent her listing our teacher's sins. I almost felt like I felt a little hint of friendship or something being implied by her, but since The Incedent I definitly don't trust my instincts when it comes to females so I think I will just leave her alone.

5+ weeks without class is a somewhat scary proposition. My social contact will be down to about zero and I'm worried I will get lonely. Either that or I'll actually LIKE it, not sure which is more frightening. I wish I hadn't made those guys leave, but I also don't really want them back. I'm sort of caught between what I actually want and what I should want. Head or heart? THat's always the question.
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