August 2nd, 2001


(no subject)

I think that it's easier to write while depressed or angsty then it is while somewhat happy. Maybe that's one of the reasons that tragedy tends to be easier to write then comedy. I mean when you're depressed you WANT to sit down and put pen to paper or finger to keyboard and pound out some words to tell the world (stealing another line from the counting crows here) "You say you see, but I don't agree, you don't know how much I feel." When you're relatively happy, cause I don't GET extatic, you want to go do stuff. Right now I am forcing myself to write because I am a little sick still and I have a class to teach in 3 hours so I can't get into a comfortable anime binge or start reading my book (I got through more than a quarter of it yesterday which is pretty good for me)

I had a dream about her last night. As usual it was a rejection dream. I'm okay with it though, it was gentler than the others and I am focusing on things that I can do about myself and those around me rather than those who don't want anything to do with me. It's a healthy thing to focus on. My GPA is a 3.712 now. It's actually good for once in my life. Like a 91. That somewhat blows my mind. I mean at Hunter I had like an 86 GPA and I was trying harder than I am at Columbia, but I still raised it from a solid B to an A-. Imagine what I could do if I had the resolve to study and do the readings. At first I thought that this was just a fluke because most of the subjects I've taken in college were things that I had done some of in the past. But Metaphysics and Historical Sociology were totally new subjects and I got an A+ in HS and an A- in Metaphysics so that can't be it.

I watched the show Leap Years last night. It was pretty crappy and there was this one woman who overacted so much it was laughable, but the concept reminded me of how much I want to get out of this stage of my life. See the show starts in 1993 and then at various points fast forwards to 2001 or 2008. It can also jump backwards. The concept is that you see the characters change and their relationships to eachother change (It's done incredibly predictably, with things like two guys chasing a girl in 1993, one apparently winning, the other guy being married to her in 2001, and the first guy who you were supposed to think would be married to her in 2001 being married to her in 2008) and it's cheesy but I would LOVE to be able to jump forward 15 years and see what life will be like then. To see whether I am going to make it in any way shape or form. To see if I'm going to be a struggling director, a famous director, a writer, a professor, a criminoligist. Fat or thin? Married or single? Living on my mom's couch bitter at the world but incapable of doing anything else?

Dead or alive?

Most people would say that that takes the surprises out of life, but I've had enough nasty shocks. I just want to know if my work will lead to anything worthwhile. Give me a white picket fence and a veternarian wife. Give me a job at the DA's office and an empty fold out bed. Give me a successful film career and angst at how empty the women are out there. Give me friends or career. Give me something. I want something to hold on to. Why isn't life like that?

I've been rejected. I have another year of college coming up pretty soon. I have preparations to make and relaxation to do. I think that I mgiht be becoming confident for the first time in my fucking life since my father died. I think that might be what my lightweight psychotherapist interprets as arrogance. I just hope that I can hold on to it after evil (the momster) comes back into the world.
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    Aerosmith -Get A Grip

(no subject)

Some person sent me an email about my journal. I was glad to get it because it made me feel like people are actually looking at this journal and I'm not just shouting into a void. It did make me realize, however, exactly how biased this journal has been towards certain issues.

My psychologist said that he thought he shouldn't read this journal because he was afraid I would be afraid to criticize him if he did, that I would pussyfoot around important issues I had with him because I didn't want to offend him. Because of this I have been nothing BUT critical of him here. I have behaved like our sessions are nothing BUT negative. This is far from the truth. Jeff is very helpful for me. I have had bad shrinks in the past, the infamous Doctor Listor being the most nefarious of the bunch, and Jeff is not like them. He doesn't practise conventional therapy, he isn't only interested in soaking his clients for cash, he admits that he is wrong and he is very bright.

He also allows his patients to intrude into his life somewhat, not keeping them at arms length.

I AM arrogant. I know that I am arrogant. I just don't know how to be confident without being arrogant. I wasn't arguing that point with Jeffery. I was instead arguing that it wasn't an appropriate time for him to accuse me of arrogance. He was hammering at me when I was at a low point, nailing me to the ground.

Jeff has problems. He doesn't treat me enough like a patient, often delighting in torturing me or catching me in a mistake. He can be moody and sometimes childish. He sometimes admits mistakes but often he does not. He is imperfect. He is human.

He is still helpful to me.

I am not trying to accuse the person who emailed me of anything, I realize that from my depiction of the situation it would appear that Jeff was just a worthless jerkwad who was preventing me from making progress. I just want to state that this is not true. I want to thank him/her (I have an idea of which it is but I do not want to hint at his/her identity in any way/shape/form because he/she chose to email me rather than comment on my journal presumably for a reason.) for making me think about things.

My GED class didn't go too well today. Only two people showed up. I felt like crap. I remain optimistic.

Life keeps on churning by without ryhme or reason but I gotta hang on hang on hang on.

Ever had something that you really wanted to say but it was so big you had no idea of how to begin to express it? Like trying to swallow something huge without chewing first.

Then you DO know how I feel.
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