August 6th, 2001


(no subject)

I recieved another email from the person last night (It's funny how labeling someone with "the" instead of "a" changes their significance so greatly. A person just means a human. The person can mean "The definitive human" or, as in this case, "the person I previously talked about" or a thousand different things.) I was going to write about it last night but the truth is that I was so exhausted through all of yesterday that I would have felt guilty writing an entry in that state. I read some of my previous journal entries and some of them are alright but some of them are SO lousy and unclear and badly written it makes me cringe. I mean I should have the right to post whenever and whatever I want in this journal (well within the rules set forth by the service. I've been thinking about getting a paid account to support it because I spend so much money on things that are so much less useful than this journal has been) but I feel like I need to post something meaningful and interesting every time becuase that's how I feel about everything.

To paraphrase Mike Meyer's Saturday Night Live Scottish shop owner character:

"It It's not special, IT'S CRAP!"

That was a tangent? Did you enjoy it? If was CRAP

Anyway, to get back to the email message from this person, who we shall call Dr. X on account of the secrecy, it worked in tandem with some conversations I've been having with another person (We'll call this one Col. Z, and I think you know why) to make me think about myself a little.

When I was little I wanted to be a writer. I have wanted to be other things at different times but that is the only dream that I have ever maintained with any sort of regularity. I'm not sure why I fixated on writing, maybe because it's a way to be famous without being attractive, maybe because it's a profession which allows a fair amount of freedom to its practitioners, maybe because it is just possible that I have a tiny bit of talent? I don't know, anyway I've been wondering if it possible that my natural talents of expression are sufficient for me to consider actually persuing this dream in a meaningful way. It is a scary and exciting thought. It is a dangerous thought for a bunch of reasons that I am too groggy to get into.

I'd like to state here that I like the idea of people reading this journal and I like comments on it. I crave the idea of making any sort of impact more than almost anything. If I can write something interesting enough to have even a couple people check it out from time to time while I am focusing on myself and not worrying to much about a potential audience that makes me feel good. The danger of my writing TO an audience is there, but hopefully I will be able to overcome the urge to please.

I don't think I'm going to kill myself. Suicide is something that will probably be on my mind until the day I die becuase of what my father did. It is a part of my life, a part of my childhood, a part of who I am. It's cheesy to call myself a suicide survivor because that term should be reserved for those who've failed at suicide, but I am at least someone whose life has been touched and permanently changed by suicide. It is and always will be REAL for me. That doesn't mean I'm going to do it.

When I am offered help I usually refuse it because I don't trust. Jeff and I have been through this many times, how if someone comes to me for help I will give it to them without compunction and feel good about it afterwards, but if I ever ask anyone for assistance I feel like I am intruding and being a bad person. I can't ask a museum guard for directions to a painting, can't go to a professor's office hours, can't call people up to ask for assistance unless I absolutely HAVE To (although I have learned to email.)

I can't help you help me.

Okay for my musing of the morning (and I think I will end up posting another big chunk of thought today. BTW you can see the dates of when I post by highlighting the top area of the post, when I picked my color scheme it made the dates very dark and I ended up liking not being able to see when I posted what unless I really wanted to) I want to delve a little bit into my opinions about the female gender in general.

No this is not going to be another "I'll never get a girlfriend blah blah blah" rant. I want to discuss some of the attitudes I hold about women which are not rational but which somehow have stuck in my head.

I don't mind powerful women but I can't relate to them. E.G. I have no real dislike of Madeline Albright, or Barbara Boxer or any of the other female politicians, I think that I could cope with having a female president pretty well although that would take a bit of time to get used to, and I can respect female professors/bosses and do what they tell me to. I cannot however strike up a conversation with any of them and I could not IMAGINE having a relationship with a woman in a position of power above my own. If I have a female professor or TA who seems to think I have promise or whatever, I will not talk to her out of class or email her or anything else. If I encounter a male in the same situation I am much more open to communication.

I don't have any female friends. Because I am not a very social person and I don't like doing things in large groups I have just never developed any friendship relationships with females. Doing things in male-female couples can be awkward. 2 girls and one guy has a certain wierd dynamic as does 2 men and one woman. When you get to like 5 guys and 5 girls the group becomes balanced and I can deal with it, but then I run into the road block of just not liking groups that big, so I have never been able to cultivate a friendship with a woman. It's not terribly unusual, except that I tend to be very sensative and contemplative and I have been accused more than once of being feminine (although I don't think that I am.) It's just something I think about from time to time.

I can't identify with female characters in books, movies, or video games and I even have trouble reading books with male main characters which are written by women. For some reason I just have a lot of trouble dealing with female expression which I don't understand. Almost all the bands I like have male lead singers (although Garbage, The Cranberries, and No Doubt all have good songs and women singers.) I am absolutely unable to understand men who enjoy stuff with female leads because of the sex appeal (like tomb raider.) I think part of it is that I feel that a lot of female expression is about overcoming all things male, and as a male I find that kind of threatening. I believe in equality and that women should be able to have professions and be athletes etc... but it kind of irks me that so many of the books I have read about female protaganists have male antagonists. The insensative boyfriend (btw I have very little sympathy for women who pick bad mates and then consider it an accomplishment when they break off the relationship. No guy I know has ever recieved praise or been considered a hero for breaking up with a lousy girlfriend. It's more like "What the fuck took you so long idjit?") the business competitor or whatever.

It shames me to say it but at times I sympathise with a male asshole over a female protagonist, partially because I find many female protagonists to be inferior people. So anyway I figured I'd just lay this out there and see if anyone has any ideas about it. My friend Gabe thinks that men have problems with women because women can deny us access to sex, but I don't think that's it. I think it might be something deep and primal either in our culture or even in our brain chemistry.

That's all I have to say for right now. There was more but I lost it and I feel bad about posting this because I know that the majority of Live Journal readers are female and probability has it that most of the people reading this are of that persuasion, but this process is ultimatly about me and not the readers so....THERE.

Plus I've always thought of journals as a male undertaking while diaries were female. So if you want estrogen go check out diaryland. Get away from this space.

Come september, chances are I'll be posting about football. I'm a big Giants fan and a bit of a Jets fan. So THERE


I also like boxing (Bones Adams wuz ROBBED. There was a mugging in the ring and it was performed by the judges. BOO!)
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(no subject)

Despite all my liberalism and my demands for understanding I still have prejudices. One of the strongest ones I have and one which causes me no end of embrassement is an anti-Arab prejudice. I don't think it comes out very much but it's very strong internally. I think it might be because I am of Jewish descent or just because I HATE HATE HATE the concept of terrorism. I find it idiotic and offensive, and for good or ill terrorism and Arabs are always linked in the media. I can interact with individual Arab people without incedent and I can even be friends with them, but deep down I habor this prejudice and I wish I didn't. Sometimes I'm glad I don't have any superhuman powers simply because if I did I don't know if I could trust myself to use them wisely.

I think everyone has their prejudices and the thing is that I'm not sure how much of a bad thing this is. I'm not a very tolerant person. I am not the bleeding heart type liberal who says "I find it offensive but I don't mind that they do it in the name of cultural diversity."

I do think religeon is the opiate of the masses.

I do think that poverty is usually at least partially the fault of the poor. Now I don't mean that some rural farmer in El Salvadore is to blame for being poor. That's the only life he's had an opportunity to lead and the only life he can probably imagine. But when whole countries are both democratic and corrupt, when poor people join the army and in doing so obey the orders of a corrupt regime whose fault is that? No one man has any real power if other people simply refuse to listen to him unless he's got a nuclear device or some such thing in his hands. Authority is not compelling unless there are people who are willing to act as agents of that authority. I follow the laws of George Bush only because I would want the followers of George Bush to follow the laws of whatever presidential candidate I support if he won the election.

That wasn't a fully formed thought but it basically breaks down to me thinking that complacency is a sin and one that is frequently punished.

I overrate intelligence as a virtue. For example I believe that screenwriters and directors should be paid more than athletes. I used to tell myself that this was because anyone could be a good screenwriter but only certain people could be great athletes. I know this is false. Some people are born with amazing muscle structures and metabolisms. Some are born with quicker brains. It's true that genetics probably has more influence on athletics than it does on writing ability, but the thing is that nurture isn't up to a child anymore than nature is. Just because Clarence got his running ability from his father's genes and Billy got his writing talent because his dad spent a lot of time challanging him intellectually when he was a little kid, it doesn't mean one is more deserving of their talent then the other. (this is a vast oversimplification of things, but it serves the purpose no?). It just so happens that my genetics are not predesposed towards professional athletics while my mind MAY be predesposed towards writing or some other academic pursuit. Because of this I praise the one over the other without thinking through the consequences. Stupid people aren't neccesarily to blame for being stupid more than ugly people are for being ugly. Lazy is one thing but stupid is not always a person's fault. Despite the rather logical argument here I still FEEL (not NECCESARILY think) that smart is better than beautiful. Maybe I'm not much of either

I worry constantly about losing my intelligence or abilities. It is an overiding fear in my life. I should admit that.

Today someone IMed me on AOL Imer and asked for a picture because "They wanted to see who they were talking to" I tore into them and when they didn't get my subtle insinuations that they should get lost I told them to go down to the nearest pre or special ed school and they could find someone on their level there. That was cruel. The person was stupid and rude but I shouldn't have pointed it out to them like that. I'm sorry whoever you are. Of course the big words in this journal will have prevented you from reading this far anyway so you'll never get the apology. Oh well

If you are a person of Arab descent and reading this then I'm not sorry. I am prejudice but at least I'm trying to get over it.
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