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August 7th, 2001

09:45 am

So I hung out with a couple of my old high school friends last night. We met at Columbus Circle and headed into the park supposedly to chow down on pizza and talk about girls (or something.) I got down there at around 8:00 (we were supposed to meet between 7:45-8:00) and waited around for about 15 minutes. Then I thought that they might have gone to the wrong statue so I went and circled around the statue of Columbus on the island in the middle of the street (We were supposed to meet beneath the golden statue on the corner of Central Park. Of course none of this will make ANY sense to you unless you know that area of New York.) On my way back to the golden statue I saw them standing near the subway stop headed in that direction, they were about 20 minutes late. It was not an auspicious beginning.

So we headed into the park and sat on some bleachers at the edge of a baseball field. The pizza was cold and did not look appetizing but two guys grabbed a slice. Then some homeless looking (but possibly not homeless since he was wearing fairly clean clothes and was only as dirty as one would get spending a day playing sports in the park) guy wandered by and asked for a cigarette. None of us smoke but Paul offered him a slice of pizza. He took it and then stood right there next to us munching on it. Well nobody could very well launch into a diatribe about the unfairer sex with a homeless guy with a French accent standing there (a man who, even if he was homeless, almost certainly had more knowledge of women than the four of us combined) so I got quickly bored and hopped off the bleachers and headed across a baseball diamond to a set of benches about 100 meters or so off.

I sat down there and started reading "The Crying Of Lot 49" which I had brought with me for the train ride. It was dark out but I have good eyes so I could make out the text and I was actually enjoying sitting there alone reading more than I would the rest of the night. The guys were calling to me but I didn't feel any particular desire to go to them. The fact of the matter is that I don't like hanging out in the traditional sense. It's not enjoyable for me, it's just boring. Eventually I wandered back over there thinking that I would tell them that I was leaving and that it would make them mad cause they came a decent distance to hang with me, but instead I just pointed at a bench that was by a streetlamp and told them I was going to read over there. The homeless French guy was still with them and he kept asking for and recieving more pizza. I headed over to the benches and read for another few minutes until they called out to me and I trudged back to talk with them. They asked me if I wanted to go see "The Philadelphia Story" in Bryant park and I said no. So I stood back on the bleachers with them and they said they wanted to play cards so we wandered back towards the bench by the streetlight. On the way over I decided to make up an excuse for my behavior so I told them that I had been trying to lure them away from the homeless French guy cause he made me uncomfortable. I don't know if they actually bought it or if it was just more comfortable for everyone involved to accept that as a plausible reason and go on with the evening. Either way it was a pretty good lie because it prevented there from being any friction from my behavior for the rest of the night.

We ended up sitting beneath a streetlamp playing Chinese Poker which I hate. Aaron and I had to go buy a pen and I grabbed some dinner since I hadn't eaten any of the cold disgusting pizza. I made a racially insensitive remark behind a black man in the supermarket line (Aaron said that someone random had come up to him and informed him that he was very white. I said that it was because he was pale as paper but he WALKED like a black man. It wasn't incredibly offensive but I shouldn't have said it.)

Aaron told me that my assholedom defines me in his mind as my major characteristic. I always thought it was my being fat.

We went back and played some more lame poker. I lost because I didn't know the rules or enjoy the game. (I know poker but not Chinese Poker.)

So why did I just write out that long BORING story? Why did I chew your eyes off (like chew your ear off but with the reading)?

Because I think it demonstrates WHY I am a loner. I simply don't enjoy inane group activities. I don't like being outside fucking around with a bunch of guys. IT doesn't appeal to me. That's also the reason that my friends tend to be older. They tend to be willing to talk about more interesting stuff. We never talked about girls but I don't care. I have nothing to say about them at the moment. I just didn't enjoy the night. It was okay, not traumatic or anything, but it was a waste of time and money (A sandwich, 2 bottles of diet tea and a disgusting brownie I didn't even eat cost 11.30)

Life marches on. Mom is coming home soon. I have no true friends. I feel like I'm going nowhere.

I guess I'll go shout some mroe into the void.

12:34 pm

My thinking goes in cycles. It's strange because I think I'm getting somewhere and I just end up back where I was. I'm not sure if I'm climbing some metaphorical wall but keep falling down or just spinning my metaphorical wheels.

I'm back to thinking that there are certain skills I haven't developed yet and because of my advanced age I will never master them. This is making me resigned which is what my mood wood be were that to be an option.

This summer has been mostly wasted. I am a waste of skin. Hee-Ann isn't going to email me before the final test in his class so I'm going to have to go it alone.

I am pathetic
I am unloveable
I am alone
I am not smart
I am not destined for anything
I am not permanently scarred by my father's sucide
I am not a victim

I am just below average.

Just another schlub building block of society for the great ones to stand on.

Just chattal.

01:56 pm - Deposit for my thoughts

I have mental blue balls at the moment. I was about to release a lot of stuff at someone I've been talking to on a rather superficial level but I held back at the last minute and tried to do some damage control for the stuff that I started to say. Now I have all these thoughts and feelings and this desire to be meaningful and profound caught up in my mind like a pool of semen pressing on my prostate gland. It's an odd feeling. It's like the other day when I was spiraling downward and I couldn't cry and finally a few hours later I did. There are so many metaphors involving sex.

A thing just happened that I am going to be in denial about forever. I will never not be in denial about it. It's not too important if I don't think about it.

There are things that I can't even tell strangers.

There are things I can't talk about with Jeff, that I believe he knows or guesses about but is kind enough not to talk about with me. Things that are unsaid and not so much bad as humiliating.

By even mentioning them here I run the risk of exposing myself to healing the wounds, but these wounds are shallow and don't NEED healing and will be extremely painful to fix.

There are things that Jeff and I don't talk about. Small secrets that we keep hidden from one another. Half truths we say because it's easier.

One of the problems of knowing your therapist as a real live person is that it's easier to understand that he is JUDGING you as people judge eachother and he's not a robot. He might think of you as pathetic or stupid or any number of things. He might even grow to hate you. I know stuff about Jeff's personal life and how he judges other people and it scares me.

Right now I want to crawl into a hole and die. I hate the fact that the past can't be erased.

04:36 pm - I am an Anti-Social animal

Wow I certainly have been writing a lot in the journal recently. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because my mom's coming home soon and I'm trying to get as much out there as possible before I close up again. Maybe it's because I'm bored. Maybe I'm reaching out because I get so few responses in this journal and I want contact with fulfilling people.

Today Paul and Gabe showed up at my door banging away demanding to be let in so we could do something. I made them go away. I made them go away because I was in a filthy shirt that was full of sweat and because I hate being imposed upon and invaded without fornotice via telephone.

I made them go away because I didn't want to see them. I DID NOT WANT TO SEE THEM.

What kind of lonely person doesn't want to see people? I didn't want to see them because they are boring and inane when combined and because Paul has made me very angry recently.

I don't really want to see anyone right now. I like being alone.

Alone is good

Why did I make them go away? No wonder I have no friends.

The sick thing is that I'm glad they left. They were a burdan.

I'm so fucking schizo.
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