August 12th, 2001

pod

Shoot to thrill

I had forgotten how draining it is to live with someone so incredibly high strung and always on the edge. Almost hourly whatever I am doing is interupted by a shrill shriek and any sort of communication has to devolve into screaming or crying on her part. My mother is so incredibly fucked up and it gets easier and easier to recognize it as so. I'd feel bad for her if she didn't drain so much from MY life. Like I've said I don't want her dead I just want her FAR FAR a fucking way.

She's upstate with Bob now, her boyfriend who she also has a totally fucked up relationship with. Apparently he is too needy for her or whatever but she always tells me that she's broken up with him and then he calls and asks to speak to her and I have no idea what to do so I hand her the phone and she talks to him like nothing has happened. This has happened 10 times so far. I have no idea what their relationship is and she has no interest in honesty or keeping me updated.

The thing is that I don't really care who my mother fucks. I really don't. I just want to know how it will effect MY life. She gets more stressed out when she's having problems with Bob. Or if he's using our house (A house my father always said would be there for me if I wanted to use it, like some sort of sanctuary for me to always have) so I can't go there. Or if he's been with her in South Africa so that when I tell him that she's back from there I look like an idiot who'se being kept in the dark about everything.

I feel sorry for Bob. He's a nice enough guy and he's gotten himself tangled up with a total harpy who'se been dating and fucking him for over 2 years and still won't call him her boyfriend.

My mother claims that she doesn't have to tell me about her social life even if it effects me because I don't tell her about mine. First of all I've NEVER had anything even resembling a girlfriend (although I think she wants me to bring someone home for her to meet just once so she could see whether I'd date a feminist) and second of all she pries relentlessly anyway. No matter what the situation she will always ask what my plans for the day are and hammer away at me even if there are none. Not every teenager has plans for every day and it gets harder to make plans when you can't invite people to your house when your mom's there (my friends are all slightly scared of her crazyness)

I'm not being intellectual or interesting. I'm venting. If you don't like it get OFF the bus.

The things my mother says to me are pretty cruel all things considered. Yesterday she called me the bad seed (When I said that my existance was her fault and that if she was too old to deal with a young person she shouldn't have had a kid past 40, which is simple math) called me a woman hater because I don't give her the same respect I gave my father (My father devoted a good portion of his life towards raising me, spent time talking to me about all my concerns and fears, tucked me in at night and told me stories, and tried to teach me as much as he could. My mother was never around when I was younger and since then she has consistently fucked with my life and me, making me go back to school 4 days after my world ended, taking me off to South Africa when my social status in high school was finally stabilizing a bit so that I never felt comfortable for the 7 years I was there (the school was 7th through 12th, I didn't get held back)) She called me uncompromising because I didn't accept her edicts without argument and she repeatedly told me that we weren't equals because she's the mother even though SHE'S the immature one who always devolves to screaming and name calling before I do.

*sigh*

I know it's not a healthy situation but the ONLY two things that keep me here are A) The housing market in NYC and B) My concern for my mother/my relationship with my mother.

Although we could afford a small apartment for me it would put a serious crimp in our finances for the forseeable future and probably forever. It would mean that I would give up the financial cushion I have now and be forced to probably go out and find a job. I'm considering it though. Of course it's up to ME not my mom to think through our finances because she doesn't understand them at all and is paranoid about money. Yesterday she said that we'd spent all our money and were down to 200,000 dollars and when I showed her the sheet that said we still had 337,000 left plus 230,000 in my trust fund, she said we used to have so much more. I mentioned that she'd spent 50,000 on an apartment in South Africa (A terrible investment because the Rand is PLUMMETING and I said so at the time but she didn't give a fuck)

The other, scarier thing, is that if I leave now I'm pretty sure I won't have any relationship with any family in the future. My mother's side of the family I am not in contact with and my father's side she has alienated me from (with her treatment of my grandfather etc). So since I know that if I left now I would not look back at my mom, I would be left totally isolated from any sort of familial attachment. And since I don't plan ever to be married or anything, that means that I will sort of be alone for the rest of my life from 19 up. I'm not ready for that. I mean I deal well with solitude, but not having ANYONE for 40+ years? Crazy man, crazy.

Of course my current situation isn't much better but very occasionally I will have a real mother. Two or three times a month.

I'm supposed to meet with her at 7PM tonight and have propositions about how we can fix things. I have no clue what I am going to say. How do you FIX something that's been broken for so long with one part that's completely warped. It's times like these, times like these when life just gets really messy.

Also with no punching bag what will happen to my mother? Maybe she'll get better, maybe not. Who knows.

I so wanted to go up to Maine this year but I don't know if I can with the crazyone. *sigh*. I should just learn how to drive and get a job and a car and become one of those hardworking people who combine college and a job and a social life and NEVER have time to contemplate or think or even take a breath.

It just sounds so, hard, and soulcrushing.
  • Current Music
    AC/DC -Back In Black
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What do you do for Money Honey? How do you get your kicks?

It strikes me as interesting how much I think I've learned about Dr. X through some sort of version of Reverse Osmosis. How someone comments on something leaves so many of that person's fingerprints behind. There are some things that I am thinking but won't write here because the mysterious Dr. X wants his identity protected but it's interesting nonetheless.

Is there such a thing as platonic true love? I mean if you are truly in love with someone wouldn't you WANT to touch them and all that jazz? Isn't that part of the psychology and biology of being human? I don't think that, beyond possibly parent-child love, there is any sort of true love that is also pure love. I just don't think humans can be THAT intellectualized and, well, decent.

Dr. X suggests that Cristina might have been flirting with me but I am pretty sure it's not true. She is just trying to mother me, which god knows I could have used a few years ago but not anymore. I do think that her marriage is probably not the best out there though, but I'm just trying to teach her basic scientific concepts not sort out her life.

Besides a strong argument could be made that it's better to be in a fucked up marriage then to be too afraid to marry at all despite having the desire deep inside.

Dr. X said he refuses to say Bollocks. This makes me sad. He said it in a very british way but still. One of the great things the modern Brits have brought the world is colorful cursing.

The way that the Taliban in Afghanistan behaves is simply unconscionable. I don't understand how people can DO things like that. How does a human being's mind get so warped and twisted that it thinks that religious restrictions and a death penalty for PROSLTYZING of all things are appropriate? I just don't get it man. It makes NO sense to me.

The Jets and the Giants BOTH lost in their pre-season games this weekend. They lost badly too. I know it wasn't the first teams or anything and pre-season is just an extention of training camp, but it still sucked. Oh well, at least it doesn't count.

P.S.

Definition taken from Dictionary.com

Spackle:
A trademark used for a powder to be mixed with water or a ready-to-use plastic paste designed to fill cracks and holes in plaster before painting or papering. This trademark often occurs in lowercase and as a verb in print.
  • Current Music
    AC/DC -Back In Black
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I want school to come soon

I am having one of my rare lonely moments. I think it was because Kawah was supposed to come over yesterday and he didn't. I was expecting his presence and it never came and so it is another example of unresolved tension (I didn't want to say social blue balls because I said intellectual Blue Balls the other day). I know that my mother coming home won't cure this, and I was invited to go with the guys to a mall in New Jersey today but that probably won't help either.

I can't understand why people would CHOOSE to go to a mall in NEW JERSEY. That's just kinda mind boggling for me. I hate malls. I would hate it even more to go with them because I just KNOW that Paul will hit on anything in a skirt and embarass the hell out of everyone he's with. On the subway coming to the park the other day he asked 4 girls if they liked his shirt. He's slowly working on becoming charming so he can get laid and I find that offensive.

Anyway I'm lonely so I'm writing. This journal helps me to resolve my feelings because once they are down on paper I know that they are no longer JUST my feelings anymore. They become my statements and if they are important I KNOW that they will be addressed by other people. Jeff, if nobody else. I'm not sure how helpful this journal would be if it was the pen and paper lock and key type. I dunno, for me the act of writing seems a bit pointless if it isn't augmented by an external response.

I am going to be taking Lit-Hum again. Last time was two years ago and I dominated that class. I'm smarter, and more focused now. Will the class be able to contain me? Part of my college melt down was based on the fact that the Lit-Hum class wasn't deep or challanging enough to contain me and I burst from it's seams like an intellectual bomb blowing up. Now the kids will be younger in comparison to myself, the material will have already been covered by me, and my mind will be sharper. It's a scary thought.

Maybe I should go to class drunk. Teehee. But I won't because I hate the feeling of being inebriated. I guess there's no point in worrying about it right now. At least my other classes will probably be more interesting.

I almost can't wait for school to start. I had a good break this summer compared to how it has been in the past and I feel ready to deal with a whole year of college and maybe even start treating it like college and not extended highschool. Maybe I'll even make some friends this semester. Hee-Ann and I will probably hang out, cause we get along alright and we might be teaching a GED thing together. I think he respects me because the two classes he had with me are his highest grades so far at Columbia. Also I was the one who reminded him about Pam over in California and lead to him having a nice little summer fling. I think, he hasn't given details but he did thank me. I can actually be a decent friend once you get past my obsessive need to talk nonstop about myself for the first few days of friendship. Most never do.

I feel a little better now, having written a little. Often times when I'm feeling bad I just need something to DO and I'll feel better. I guess I have that "Throw yourself into your work" attitude my father did only I don't like going out and GETTING work.

The truth of the matter is that I'm pretty well convinced that I'd do excellently at any job I got, but what I'm afraid of is being bored and more importantly having to socialize with fellow employees. I dunno, there are so many people I am not compatible with out there and so few I am. It's a REALLY complex fear and I don't have time to get into it right now.

Confidence can be a shield from abuse I think. I should cultivate some of the one to avoid the loads of the other I am sure to be recieving soon enough.

You know what....if you didn't like this entry, if you found it disjointed and shallow and erratic and boring....that's okay. I'm alright with that. I can TAKE it. I have written a lot of stuff which I think has been meaningful and I am going to ALLOW myself the indulgence of writing just to write, of putting finger to keyboard just because it FEELS good.

That's a step in the right direction.

For me.
  • Current Music
    Mighty Mighty Boss Tones
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Isn't it Ironic. Don't you think?

My mother lost our cat.

She lectured me ENDLESSLY about taking good care of it and said over and over how she thought I'd fail and kill it and how she should give it to someone else while she was gone etc...

I took great care of it. I went BEYOND the call of duty and put ice in its water dish on hot days and played with it several times a day.

Now she comes back and in a couple days takes it up to the country house and lets it run off through the screen door to god knows where. It might come back or it might not, i dunno, but she isn't waiting for it. This isn't the first time she's let it out either, she's let it out into the apartment building a couple times and made me go look for it. The thing is that if I did ANYTHING like this she'd be shrieking at me and telling me how irresponsible I was and what a bad good for nothing I am etc. Now she calls me and tells me what SHE did and I am calm and collected and she yells at me for not being upset enough.

*sigh*

Talk about your can't win situation.

The thing is that I did manage to bond this this cat and I'll miss it. I took care of it and was responsible for it and SHE lost it and now I'M going to somehow take the blame for not being concerned enough or for bringing it up too much or whatever. It's ludicrous when you think about it.

Heh I was going to post in response to the latest missive from Dr. X but I don't have the energy anymore. I am amused only because I know how much pain HER mistake is going to cause ME and how fucking hypocritical she is (my mother of course.)

Some lives it just doesn't pay to be born, eh?
  • Current Music
    Pearl Jam
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Catty Cat Cat done gone

So my mother came back sans cat. The cat is really gone, at least for a week and probably forever.

That makes me sad. We bonded over the time that mom was away and I really liked her. Now the cat is gone and there is no warmblooded creature in the house.

I don't have anyone to talk about this with either. My mother calls me cruel if I bring it up at ALL. She also cried towards me and started sobbing about how much she missed our dogs, which she gave away because she couldn't take care of them (Long story but suffice it to say that in another grand reversal of parent/child roles she wanted the dogs and got them and I had to take care of them. How's that for a mindfuck?) I just don't know what to do about my mother man, it's untenable.

Ugh. I knew this would happen. A lot of my passion and desire to think and write has been sort of sapped. I dunno, I wanted to write a meaningful entry about my cat but I can't right now. I'm too afraid of being interupted by the needy old biddy who'se house I occupy. Maybe later. Maybe after I've cried for the loss of the cat (I probably will once it sinks in that she's gone. I mean right now there is still the chance of her being found by a neighbor or something).

I know I've been boring y'all lately and I know that when I look back over this section of my journal I will punish myself for my fractured thoughts and lack of insight, but right now I'm just a dude whose cat is gone and who has to now give emotional support to the person who lost it. So cut me some slack.

That goes for me as well as you (as in I should cut myself some slack.

But I won't.)
  • Current Music
    Goo Goo Dolls - Dizzy Up The Girl
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Guilt

I feel guilty. I know the cat's running away while under my mother's care isn't my fault, but I feel bad that I'm not DOING anything about it. If I could drive I'd pack up my PS2, the little TV, and some Anime DVDs and drive up to the house to wait for the cat. Just kick back and watch Anime with an eye on the door and an ear out for her squeak.

The truth is that I didn't actually think my mother would come home without the cat. I just didn't imagine that as possible.

I'm worried. I'm imagining Willow (that's the cat's stupid name according to my mom) out there in the woods dodging bears and hungry and thirsty and not being able to find her way home. I'm imagining finding her little skeleton a year from now eaten by the flies after she starved to death. I'm thinking about my dad and how I couldn't save him.

This is the first time in my life that I really wish I knew how to drive. Not just in an "Oh I should learn that" way but in a practical and important manner. I might ask my mom to drive me up there tomorrow anyway. I'd be stuck alone in the house with no car and the nearest grocery store would be 2+ miles away down a mountain (and up again carrying the food which would NOT be a pleasant walk) but I'm willing to try. I'm just not sure it would do any good. Plus I'd get spooked up there by myself, alone in a house that is still haunted by my father's ghost in the middle of the woods. To add spookyness to the house it is on one side of an abandoned farm, and on the other side of that farm is an ancient graveyard. I remember when I was 7 getting super freaked out about Betelgeuse because we were so close to a graveyard. Up there are so many ghosts. My two cats from when I was very little are buried up there. I don't want Willow to die but I don't know what to do.

My mom has the maintenance guy looking for her and she says she's going to put an add in the town paper and notify the local ASPCA. But I still feel like I should be up there waiting for the cat to return. There are bears up there and even a very few wolves. Of course there are also mice and rabbits for her to eat and she used to be a wild cat, so it's possible that she could survive indefinitly (there's a little stream too) or be picked up by a neighbor....but....but....I don't want this to be like my father. I don't want her to die because I didn't DO anything.

This time I know what's going on. This time I have a choice to make.

What should I do? I want someone to tell me. What should I do?

I still can't believe my mother left the cat up there alone in the woods. I can't believe she'd do that.

So do I go face the ghosts of my semi-happy childhood alone and with no way to escape or do I stay and face possibly being haunted forever by the ghost of my cat?

THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. I DON'T DESERVE THIS.

It doesn't matter.

This is one of those decisions with no right answer isn't it? I mean doing nothing is calous, the only thing I can do is almost certainly futile and possibly harmful to me, and the wrong I want to correct is not my own.

What do I do? I could use somebody to talk to but there isn't really anyone, not for this. I don't know anyone except Jeff who could help....I think I'll call him. Fuck boundaries.

Oh and if you have any advice, whoever you are out there, please send it my way.
  • Current Music
    GooGoo Dolls-Dizzy Up The Girl