August 13th, 2001


More on The Cat (tm)

I wasn't able to get in contact with Jeff. I spent the night by myself thinking about what to do and I'm still conflicted. On the one hand I am the type of person who likes to DO things in the face of problems. To strike out and fight against the dying of the light and all that poetic jazz. The thing is that I am also a rather practical person and I doubt sitting in a house alone for a few days will bring back my cat. It also runs the risk of throwing me into a depression, so I have to consider the pros and cons of action and inaction. I haven't quite decided what to do yet (I wouldn't be able to get upstate until tonight regardless of what I decide, since my mother has to work and I can't drive and almost none of my friends can either.)

Dr. X thinks I should go up there and wait.

Of course he also says that it wasn't my mother's fault when I feel that it was. My mom has let the cat out of our apartment by accident in the past, whereas I always see her making a break for it and stop her. My mother let the cat out this time by leaving a door open with only the unlatched screen door between the house and the outdoors. The cat fled through that door. I would not have left the door open like that. Also the cat COULD be hiding in or near the house and my mother wouldn't be able to find her. When the cat first came to our house it constantly hid and I was constantly forced to find it even though I said it would come out when it was hungry.

*sigh* it really comes down to the fact that my mother is so unbalanced she can't even care for a simple pet.

This cat was not wild wild, she lived in a barn with her mother and was fed occasionaly by the farmer. I don't know if she can survive without any sort of assistance especially in different terrain (farm vs forrest). The Upstate New York woods can be rather dank and inhospitable. Also she's disabeled in that she can't really meow or purr. She can only squeak and squeal. I don't know how this will effect her place in wild cat society up there.

This is another thing I do when confronted with a problem. Obsess and waffle. *sigh*. I wish I wasn't so clearly able to see both sides of the issue. I wish I could just run with my urge to action and DO what has to be done. But if I do and it fails then I feel stupid for not thinking it through. It's a double bind.

I know what happened to my father was not my fault but it haunts me. I feel like if I had just done something or just NOT done something he would still be alive. The idea that I could be that close to someone and still not have a large effect on their emotional well being terrifies me. The fact that the world is not under my control and NOT good or kind or even rational at all times terrifies me.

My mother has been harassing me all morning about various stuff to try to take her mind off the lost cat. First she started in on some bowls that have been missing since Reagan was president (yeah, in my 19 years of life I have broken a few bowls. Why don't you just shoot me now) then demanding an answer as to whether I'm going to Maine with her in a week or so. I said yes because I'm not ready to say no yet. I really want to see the house and go swimming etc but really not with her. She wants her boyfriend to come along too.

I really need to get out of here. Maybe I should transfer to another college, some place with a less hostile housing market. If I can keep my GPA up in the high 3's maybe even raise it to a 3.8 at Columbia I can probably transfer to just about anywhere short of Harvard. Maybe. I dunno. My high school record is still terrible.

But I need to figure out something to do. I know that I can't live in dorms, it just DOES not work for me, and I need some space, but what do I do to get it? Grrr I would gladly trade away all the joys of youth just for some stability and peace. Besides what pleasures of youth am I partaking in?

No partying
No Drinking
No Drugging
No Fucking
No Road Trips

Other than being independant and competant I'm practically 70 already :-). There are a lot of things I do need to learn how to do (Keep a house in order, cook, balance a checkbook, present a professional appearance) but other than that I feel I'm ready to be old.

I have so much to ruminate on and think about and it will take so much time and yield so little in the way of results.

I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me.
  • Current Music
    Goo Goo Dolls -Dizz Up The Girl


Hee-Ann and I went out and had lunch at some crummy spanish place where the menus are in Spanish with english underneath. It was pretty cheap and the food was decent, even though there were at least two flies at our table that I saw.

We talked about his time in California and his brief fling with this Pam girl. Apparently he felt more deeply about her than I had thought, but it isn't going to work out becuase she's a hardcore christian and he's an aethiest like me. Now I feel kinda bad about reminding him about her.

Anyway I'm glad that we had lunch. It helped me to talk about my cat and stuff and reminded me that there are people more interesting and less messed up than my High School click.

I am looking forward to getting back to school where I can have my existance validated by meaningless grades and compliments from other students on how bright I am.

I also want to meet people.

But I won't. Oh well.

Summer keeps slipping by and I haven't really done the stuff I wanted to. But that's okay. I've achieved other things that are also important. This journal is good for me in a lot of ways because it allows me to express myself in an environment that is both safe and exposed.

It has been not so good in other ways but even failing in certain respects allows for personal growth. I'm going to keep telling myself that and maybe it'll become true.

I went to Starbucks and bought one of them fancy frappuccino drinks. Raspberry coffee. It was okay but I have never really done that before, bought a corporate coffee. I guess I'm starting to enjoy coffee but it also makes me paranoid that I'm losing my edge.

When I was a little younger I used to wish that I wouldn't be so special and be able to fit in better. I used to pray to a god I didn't believe in that this would happen. Now I'm kind of afraid that it might be. The truth of the matter is that I don't know WHAT to believe with respect to god or magic or any of that stuff. I feel like the best recourse is to talk and ACT like there is no god or magic in the world until evidence proves otherwise to me, but on the other hand I kinda wish there were and I sorta believe it's possible. Sometimes I act like it is possible, like there could be an evil presence watching me and that's why my mom's so fucked up and my life is so hard and I'm so fucking messed up, becuase something malevolent is after me.

It's easier sometimes to believe that than that all of this is just fucking luck. But in terms of what I THINK, I think it is just chaos theory and science and some people do terribly and some do well. I don't know, it's a really sticky swirl of thought and belief and I am not really ready to deal with it.

I feel a long entry building in the corners of my mind, addressing some of the stuff that Dr. X has asked and some of the stuff that I've wanted to say for awhile. It will come out at some point but I don't know when. I feel bad for being such a lame writer recently. Like I'm letting everyone who might read this down and scaring off potential future readers. Like I'm allowing my journal to slip from being possibly interesting to boring and conventional just because of MY personal needs to express myself. Heh. That's not a healthy thought or feeling but it's mine and I will own it and deal with it.

Right now I feel good but my self confidence is almost entirely shot. Nobody can pick me up but me but I've done too much emotional lifting already today. I think I'll just lie back and feel bad and own the feeling.

I think the term "Own" is both constructive and deconstructive simultaneously. It is good to understand and accept that a thought or emotion is yours, comes from you, and has meaning to you. It is bad to overuse that as an excuse for having stupid thoughts or non-useful feelings.

I'm gonna own this entry though! Heh.
  • Current Music
    Limp Bizket- Two Dolla Bill Y'all

From Hero to Zero

Looks like I'm not going to be able to go up there and play hero and rescue the cat after all. Apparently my stupid mother left the cat IN the house and just didn't bother to look for her before leaving. The maintainence guy is up there looking for her and he says that there are cat prints in the house and that a cat used the litter. Unless there's a cat infestation up there, apparently Willow was just abandoned by my evil mother.

I'm glad the cat is safe but I'm kinda sad that I don't get to go up there and search the scary woods for her. I mean I am itching for something to do and heroism has always been something I've loved. I'm definitly the kind of guy who will do difficult things to help other people, just not myself.

It's sick to be disapointed that the cat is in the house from a practical perspective because it means that she will likely be recovered and won't die etc. But I was finally ready to go up there and I was even ready to fight with my mother to be able to go up there. I feel like I got all suited up for battle and raised my broadsword to the sky and the dragon died of emphasyma caused by toxins in the skirts of the various maidens he had broiled and devoured over the years. At that point the knight turns from righteous savior to some dork in really hot clothing.

The thing is that deep down beneath all my hurt and pain and logic and anger and fuckedupeddness I DO want to be heroic and I know I have the capacity for it. It's just difficult to find a way to be heroic these days. If you're a cop you're a beauracrat, if you're an FBI Agent you're a pawn in a sometimes nasty governmental game, if you're a crusader for the environment you're crusading against some little girl's daddy's job. If you're a soldier you might be asked to kill someone who doesn't deserve to die etc.

How can you be a hero without being powerful? Go to Bhurundi and fight against corruption? I want to be an American and I am not willing to undergo extreme indignity and discomfort just to be ABLE to find something to fight for. I would be willing to undergo more than that DURING the fight, but not just during the search for battle.

It turns out that we ARE going up there tonight. We're going to sleep with the doors open and hope that she walks on our heads so we can catch her and confine her to a room until we are ready to drive down. It might seem cruel but it's a lot less cruel than leaving her up there without food or company. I need to start packing. This is a very emotional moment for me. It's going to be good to go up to the property and be somewhere that I OWN for awhile. I have really felt upset about this apartment being rented recently and It'll be great to sleep somewhere where I OWN the house. That might seem shallow or stupid but it's an emotion and I'm going with it.

It'll be bad to drive 2 hours up with my mother. That I am not looking foreward to.

My mother is going to stay the night up there because she doesn't want to drive 4 hours without rest. If she drives up tonight and sleeps up there she can get back into the city before she has to go to work at 11 AM. I'm kinda sad cause I won't have the same freedom I would if she wasn't staying and kinda glad because I won't be alone with the memories of how things used to be.

I need to go out and get some groceries and pack up a TV and my PS2 and some Anime/Games so I don't go crazy. I'll definitly do some reading but I'm gonna need some sort of entertainment with voices so I don't feel entirely alone. No internet up there and nobody knows the number and I don't really know anyone in the area anymore. I'm good at being alone but not so good at being isolated. I don't know if I hope we find the cat the first night so I don't have to stay there alone or if I hope we don't so I do. *sigh* complexity is complex.

Well thanks for listening to all my raving about the cat and my mom and my stupid life etc etc et al. I am kinda excited about this trip but kinda disapointed she wasn't found but but but but but


I. I'm still alive.

Non sequitor to you but makes sense to me. I'll make another entry when I get back

And you won't care.

  • Current Music
    REM - Out of Time