August 15th, 2001

pod

I will be sitting on top when it all goes wrong again

I'm going to Maine in a few days and I feel very ambivalent about it. My mother has been a lot better since we got back from finding the cat but who knows how long it will last. This morning she started slipping again. I don't really want to spend 9 hours in a car with her driving up. I even less want to spend 9 hours with her and her boyfriend. I really do want to see the house again though. I want to spend a week swimming and kayaking and hiking and all the great stuff that is available up there. I want to run barefoot along the mossy stone path up to the highest cabin. I want to go fishing off the dock and talk to the water where my father's ashes are. I feel like I'm finally starting to let him go and that some sort of physical closure might help.

I wonder how the house is going to be divided up in future generations. When my maternal grandparents died they left the house to all three of their daughters to share. Because I am an only child I assume that my mother will pass my portion of the house to me so I will still have a third. My cousin Bobby is also an only child so he will get his mother's third. My cousin's Kate, Sarah, and Rebecca will also want a piece though and what will they get? One Ninth? Will they demand an equal share with me and Bobby leaving everyone with a fifth? Will one group buy another out? I know that I want to keep the house for the duration of my lifetime assuming it is passed down to me. I dunno, this arrangement obviously can't last that long generationally speaking because Bobby has 6 children and if they have children, well....one house is clearly not going to be enough.

I don't know why I am thinking about this kind of stuff right now except that I have started to really consider my future as a possibility over the last couple weeks.

*sigh* Hee-Ann just called me and told me that my presence would not be needed at the volunteer class tomorrow. I just basically got fired from volunteer teaching. I wonder if it's because he heard something bad about the job I did or just because he wants to finish what he started by himself. I feel like slamming my head into a wall until the stupid falls out.

It's almost impossible for me to be altruistic without viewing it at least partially as a judgement of my own competence. Last night I was talking to someone who I've been in correspondance with for a couple weeks and I finally managed to broach the subject of a theory that I'd had for awhile but been a little bit trepidatios about presenting. Anyway the person said that they were too tired to talk about it and I feel like I was too pushy not because I neccesarily thought that it would be best for the other person to talk about it then but because I was eagre to fill in the gaps in the theory and go from generalities to specifics. That's wrong. I shouldn't do that but it's so easy to convince myself that that's not what I'm doing. A few small lies conceal the big one.

I feel like either cutting off my hand or signing up to build for Habitat for Humanity. The second is more constructive (I am nothing if not the source of a plethora of pathatic puns) but the first is less likely to harm another person. What if I don't nail in a roof beam properly and it falls on a child's head? Stuff like that rules me.

I wish life was simple and you only had to work hard to get what you want. I wish it was like a big rock that you had to push up a hill and once it got to the top you were happy. Instead life feels like a piece of sculpture where the angles don't quite match up and you keep moving from side to side looking for how the whole thing fits together so you can understand it but you loose the image of one side when you move to another and you just can't get a picture of it in your mind.

I know for some people life is just a simple path, school college fun work family work retirement fun family death. They go into whatever major or career seems most lucrative and they just live, knowing their goals knowing what they have to do etc. When life throws them curveballs they take, even if it's an 0-2 count with an offspeed pitcher on the mound. Sometimes things work out sometimes they don't but they don't hold THEMSELVES responsible. I am the opposite. I'll swing if it's 3-0 and I don't accept other people's advice as gospel or even good mythology. I want to carve out my own path and it's hard hard hard.

I wish that the glimmer of potential I see in the future could be spread out to include some of now in it. Otherwise I feel like I'm just on a wild goose chase, searching for a happy life that will always be just over the horizon. I feel okay these days, I feel alright, but that worries me. I'm not doing all that much better from a realist's perspective. Have my aspirations just dropped or am I actually healing? Do you need to FEEL better before you can DO better? I think so. But I don't know.

Reaching out and touching somebody can be hard when you've known so many porcupines. As I heal, or think I heal, I feel better in isolation but crave companionship more. Does that make sense? My overall sense of well being rises but I also begin to experience loneliness as worse than the inconveniences of company.

Can't I just have the last 19 years back to do over again. I swear I'll do better this time. I swear I'll try harder. I'll learn my ABCs and 123s and I won't disapoint my daddy by reading comic books and I won't be such an outsider.

No?

Okay, then I'll deal with what I got.

I stopped in the middle of this entry and worked out a little. I'm starting to enjoy it more now that I'm doing it on a more regular basis. I closed my eyes on the exercise bike and listened to the music and just felt it. It was actually nice. Then I got to do weight lifting which I really enjoy and it definitly perked my mood up. For some reasons aerobic exercise doesn't give me any endorphin high but when I'm benching or whatever I definitly feel those sweet naturedrugs.

I am on the cusp of something. Manhood? Recovery? Another low? I'm not 100% sure. All I know is that I'm cusping. That's not a word. So what?

Charles said that I'd make a good wrestler. That meant a lot to me. Not that he knows shit about wrestling, but you take kind words where you can get them. Right?

This is one of my new posts. The ones that are intended for me and might be all broken up and boring and irritating to others. I am pretty surprised at how okay I am with giving up my need to entertain or appear interesting right now. I'm sure it will come back but for now it is held at bay, something that I used to be but am not anymore.

I am also okay with the fact that I haven't really gotten feedback for awhile. At first I thought that if I wrote a couple entries and nobody commented on them they were failures and I felt the need to put some kind of effort into the next one. To write an essay instead of an entry. That is no longer there so much. If people want to comment that's great, but if they don't that's also okay becuase I CAN'T focus this on the responses I recieve. That just wouldn't be true to the project that this journal represents.

God I sound so new age. I need to shower and put on some real pants cause I'm gonna have lunch with a friend in about half an hour. I am currently feeling...balanced.

I'm a loser, I'm a winner, things are gonna change, I can feel it.

And yes that is a Beck quote.
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    Everclear - Songs from an American Movie Vol II
pod

It hurts so bad when you finally know just how low low low low low she'll go

I find that life tends to be ironic more than it is funny. I just get finished writing about how I want some company and a friend calls and says he wants to come over. So he drops by and we head out for some coffee and some post cards that he wants to send to his semi-girlfriend and I have this urge to be by myself. Argh.

I've been thinking about structure recently. I need more but not too much. Structure in life is a good way to avoid depression and force yourself into a more active attitude. School works okay for me but I probably need a little more structure than just school supplies. Not TOO much more though because I definitly need my alone/thinking time. I'm not sure what I'm going to do in terms of possible clubs/jobs but I think I should do something. Hmm. This is a bit of a toughie. Too little and I risk stagnating. Too much and I risk drowning.

It's hard to do and think at the same time. What I mean is that it's difficult to be pensive and thoughtful during an activity. At least for me. The problem is that I tend to enjoy thinking more than just about anything else, so I kinda stop doing whatever activity I'm supposed to be engaged in and ponder. This is not healthy, but whatcha gonna do? I mean it's hard to go cold turkey from thought. Can't exactly lock your brain up for a night so you can enjoy a game of pool without wondering whether the carpenter who made the table had a happy marriage.

I wish I could find someone who I really fit with personality wise. At this point I don't even think it's possible but is ALL friendship built on compramise? A sort of "Well I'll subjugate these views and you'll subjugate those views and we'll pretend we have meaningful agreement on important issues"? I mean are there people out there who have friends who they just like and don't find irritating in any way? Who they just enjoy being around? I am not one of those people. There is nobody on earth that I have met who I don't sometimes want to be away from. Jeff is a possible exception but even he can sometimes get me pissed enough to wish he'd just disapear for 15 minutes. And I know that I often irritate the bejeezus out of him. *sigh* Is love just finding someone who you can deal with being around? How much is based in attraction and how much in just lack of irritation?

On a humerous note Hee-Ann is in bible study class right now over this girl. She wants him to find Jesus. He is completely not right for religion, but he really likes the girl. The fucked up stuff guys do chasing women eh? He thinks for some reason that what I'm going through with respect to my thoughts on females is just a teenaged phase. He frequently needles me for the fact that I'm 9 years younger than him and I act so world weary. I am pretty sure that if we had met while we were the same age as eachother we would not be friends. Does that mean that all the people who annoy me now will annoy me less in a few years? Or does it mean that I am just too young for my mind? Or that I need a mature person to put up with all my bullshit? I dunno man I just DUN NO.

Why is it that the thought of someone who you are attracted to but who is not attracted to you knowing that you are attracted to them is so frightening? Why did I write such a terrible sentence? What I mean is that for a lot of people this is a real issue. I include myself STRONGLY in their numbers. Today during lunch Hee-Ann and I were talking about guys I knew who had screwed up attitudes towards women. I, as usual, included myself. He said that he disagreed and mentioned two girls I had brief social contact with during the summer semester as evidence. My back was facing the rest of the restuarant and I almost had a heart attack. I immediatly thought that one of the girls might have been in the area and overheard. But WHY would I care? I am very unlikely to have any contact with either of these people in the future. Why would it matter if they knew I was attracted to them? I mean it's not like either of them disliked me. It's not like I give out a threatening vibe that makes girls want to stay off of my radar. I know that my reaction was a bit extreme but it was not entirely without basis in normality. I think that it's at least in part a power issue. I don't want anyone to know that they have any sort of power over me and attraction is a sort of power. Let's face it, most guys are more willing to do favors for girls they are attracted to than other guys. This is also one of the reasons I don't really like joining clubs. You need to start at the bottom and I hate having peers in charge of me. It really chafes at me. This is not an attitude that is going to serve me well in the business world, but whatcha gonna do? Hopefully if you're Jeff you're going to earn your 125 per 45 minutes and FIX me. You hear that Jeffery? You've got till my birthday to turn me into a well adjusted normal human being or I'll be forced to come to your house and leave a bag of burning dog doo at your front door and ring the bell. We'll see how good your jump shot is when your shoe is covered in dogshit!

I think that part of the reason that I am afraid of my own sexuality (and I am) is that being attracted to someone entails giving them some slight bit of power over you. And being in an actual relationship involves giving up even more and more power. I mean sure it IS possible to find some girl with car wreck self esteem and smack her around and hope she doesn't get better, but I'm afraid I'm far too self aware and not nearly callous enough for that.

No the only kind of relationship that I think I'd really want would be one of equality and that scares me to my core. So I keep my sexuality under tight rein in front of other people, especially female people, and make up lies for myself to believe about how I don't want to get married or have a relationship for a thousand bullshit reasons when in the end it's all about the fear. The fear of not being in control, of things going horribly wrong again the way they did when I was 12. I think that's my biggest issue, the one at the core of all my problems, the one that stops me from bursting forth and taking the world by storm like the self confident and rather smart young man I know myself to be. The fear of bad things happening again, of my not being in control, of LIFE really. The truth of the matter is that I'd love to find someone to date or whatever but I am so deathly white knuckle scared that I'd rather build webs of lies around the end result to convince myself that it's based in logic or reasoning or self interest.

Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit.

It's ALL about the fear.

On a side note I didn't mean to imply that Jeff lacks anything in the domestic arena. I was feeling rather cold and removed the day I wrote that entry so I said it in a way that didn't take everything into account. He has one of the least dysfunctional home lives of anyone I know. One of the reasons that I think he's probably a good shrink, he has his own ducks basically in a row. It's just not the conventional middle American dream family from the 1950's and that's something that still has appeal to me. Maybe because of its stability. His deal works great for him and that's fantastic. It's just not exactly what I want, when I can even admit to myself what I truly want.

Anyway I just thought I'd say that because that Jeff's a sensative motherfucker and last time I talked about his house he was prissy about it for weeks. At least I didn't disparage his basketball game. Then he might get violent.
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    Chris Isaac - Forever Blue