August 17th, 2001


Being Bad does NOT feel good

This is entirely self serving and indulgent. If you are looking for interesting reading move on. If you are Jeff, too bad. Read it anyway. Punk :-D

I can't understand why people do bad things for no good reason. I mean there are people out there who enjoy causing pain to others for the sheer sake of causing pain. Vandals. Gang Members. Rapists. Bullies. Violists. I can't understand how someone can steal or hurt or destroy and not feel terrible about it. It just doesn't register with me. I mean I sort of understand drug dealers who do it for the money or murderers who do it over a lover or betrayal. I don't agree with them or absolve them or find them less than reprehensible but I can make an attempt at understanding. At not judging. In my opinion someone who kills just for fun is far far worse than someone who kills for money. Even if I think they should both be locked away for life, I think the former example should be locked up in a little pit where they drop his food from above to mix with his excrement before he can eat it.

I know that I've expressed this sentiment in the past but It's been running through my head and I wanted to say it again.

I fucked up pretty bad. I was testing the long distance on my telephone and I was using my internet dialer. The thing is that I think I forgot to switch it back to a local number (I think because it's a pretty complicated way that I found out what was, or might have been, going on) which means I've been dialing long distance to Albany to access the internet for the last 6 days or so. Considering the length of time I leave my computer attached to the net....this is not a good thing. I did a few calculations and depending on the phone rates it could cost me between 100 and 2000 dollars. I can't find the rates because it's been so long since I used long distance on this phone that I don't know which company I use, and my mom says she bought the long distance plan on this phone from our doorman (Yeah....ummm I don't understand why either). The reason I was dialing the numbers was to check if I could use MSN at my country house or in Maine off my mom's laptop. The Albany number is in the same area code as my country house. This was at the point when I thought I'd have to stay up there for four days waiting for the cat.

Does anyone know the going rate for intrastate long distance calls? Probably varies wildly from company to company. *sigh*

Anyway I told my mom what happened and she was shocking calm about it. She actually said that mistakes happen and we shouldn't get too worked up about it until the bill comes. I was like "Who ARE you?" If my mother is actually calming down and becoming more human, that would be a great thing.

Are things actually starting to go my way? Everything's turning up Milhouse!

You know I've had much more even moods lately and I'm starting to like it. I've been picking my moods for this journal based on what I think I should be feeling rather than what I am actually feeling. I look back on this journal and it's full of bad moods occasionally interupted by good ones. But that's not how I've been feeling recently. It's how I used to feel. I dunno, I'm actually AFRAID to put down a good mood in the journal. Like if I list it it will go away. No, I don't think that's it. I think it's that I am having trouble reconciling my emotions with how I'm used to feeling. Is life supposed to be this emotionally easy? I feel like I thought prozac would make me feel. Only I refused to take prozac on account of I didn't want chemically induced happiness over real pain. But I'm not ON prozac and yet I feel....okay. Is this what REAL contentment is like? Unless I am on prozac and someone swapped it for my Centrum.

Well at least I know I'm still paranoid.

You know that's an example of the kind of thing that Jeff talked to me about yesterday. He actually said that it was a miracle I managed to come off as intelligent as I do considering the constant chaos that is whirling around in my mind of "Is this good enough, was that good enough? Am I right or wrong? Will this lead to a profound life?" He also said that if I could shed that baggage he thinks I would be able to manhandle him intellectually. I think he was bullshiting there, but I do agree that if I could stop worrying so much about EVERYTHING I would be able to do stuff more effectively. He told me that all great athletes empty their minds and don't worry about whether they will shoot a basket/hit a homerun/make the highjump. They just focus on the individual parts of the task and let what happens happen. I think it's a good philosophy. I constantly find myself distracted in EVERYTHING worrying about a picture so big that I would have no clue how to effect it. I need to learn to live in the here and now and DO things without thinking 10 steps ahead. This is something important. I think I will attempt it in Maine. For example I obsess about how slow therapy is going. Like if I take 7 years to heal instead of 5 that will be basically 2 wasted years and I can't deal with that. But by obsessing about it I risk taking even longer to heal because I can't focus on the individual parts of the process.

I need to learn to turn off the screaming in my head.

By the way I started really cleaning my room today and I got all my video games and DVDs together. Good lord there are a lot of them and the majority I haven't even played. I have beaten so few of my video games it's a joke. I used to use shopping like some people use drugs or cutting. When I felt really down I would hop on to the internet and order up some anime or video games. There were times where I felt like it was literally a choice between suicide or ordering the next volume of Neon Genesis Evangelion. That is pathetic, I know, but I think an example of the thing I need to start doing is to WATCH what I own rather than buying more. For me the anticipation of that next DVD or game was better than the actual experience of playing it. It was like "If I can just get that video or that game I will feel good again. I will enjoy it, I will slip out of this nightmare." I spent an unconciounable amount of money like that. I look at the pile of what I've bought and I feel guilty. I know I'm saving my mother money by going to a great college for free, but I feel bad for spending that much on junk. Then I think, you know what, that guilt isn't going to help. It's not going to do anyone any good. The future can be changed but the past cannot.

I stop worrying and I let my mind clear and I focus on what I CAN do.

I feel better.

Life is a process. I'm 19. It's not lost yet.

I feel better.

I still have more opportunity than most, more advantages than most.

And I feel better.

And that's what the process is all about....right? Feeling better. It's not about reaching some goal of feeling good. It's not a race to a finish line. It's a hike through a forrest. The process is an enjoyable thing in and of itself. The process of healing, of growing, of learning, of aging, of LIVING.

And I feel better.
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