August 25th, 2001

pod

What it means to be in Maine

So the sun is setting on my last day in Maine. It's been a lot nicer than I expected. I think I really needed to get out of the city and remember what it's like to be somewhere away from people and where you can engage with nature. I swam out far in the lake today, far enough that my mother couldn't see me from where she was sitting on the dock, and for the first time in a long time I was alone in a profound way. There's something about being in a body of water which stretches out past the horizon that is truly special (not that I was foolish enough to swim out past the point where I could see the shore, it's not even possible in this lake, but to one side the water stretches out for miles and miles) A couple people on a passing boat waved to me as I bobbed in the water (I didn't get my hair wet because it seemed a neat challange to swim out that far without letting water get on my hair) but other than that the closest thing to company I had was the loons.
I realized that I hadn't been swimming for a VERY long time. It was something I used to be good at and I'm a little rusty but I still feel very comfortable in the water and don't fear drowning or even swallowing any water I don't want to. There are so many things that I take for granted as parts of myself that I haven't engaged in SO long it's somewhat sobering. When was the last time I rode a bike? Or took a hike up a mountain. The thing is that doing these things alone is kinda boring and sad, and I have nobody to do them with. If I asked most of my friends they would think I was either joking or hitting on them. They are not outdoorsy types.

And once again I wish to be older. I'm tired of schooling and fooling around and 19 year old friends and feelings of uselessness. I have a lot more to say but I don't think I should spend this last day here typing up journal entries so I will say more later. I just felt the need to mark my time in the lake as special in the hopes that I will never again forget who I am and the parts of me that I have long forsaken.