August 27th, 2001

pod

They want to push me around. Well They Will. Well They Will.

It still scares me the way some people feel that they can open up to me. The things that they feel that they can say. I feel like they are trusting me and I know they have no idea what kind of reaction being trusted brings in me. When I am trusted my immediate instinct is to respond with loyalty, fervor, and a desire to work to help whoever it is with whateve situation they have trusted me with. The thing is that often what people want is just to be heard, and that I cannot do. I can't hear of someone's pain and do NOTHING, it isn't in me even if it would be best. How does one go about accepting the fact that, as REM says, "Everybody Hurts" when it comes to OTHER people. How do you LET people hurt when you have to, let them feel pain and not react?

I have no idea.

I'm also afraid of being used. I tend to fall for the word trust like some people fall for love. It is because for me trust is something given almost never. Is there anyone alive who I trust fully? No. Jeff comes closest but there have been incedents where I have trusted him with deep and painful things and he has failed me. This is not neccesarily his fault, I mean nobody is flawless and nobody never fails, but it does mean that I find myself afraid to tell him certain things that I want to talk about because I don't feel comfortable revealing them. Because I don't trust that it will make things better. Often the things I am afraid to tell are mundane and silly. Like the fact that I have yet to be able to trust this journal with the name of a girl I was attracted to for a time but no longer really think about. I mean there is no logical reason I couldn't type it here. There is a 1 in a billion chance that she would ever read this, and a 1 in a trillion chance that she would care what I thought about her. But I still can't do it. I do not trust easily.

I think it comes from both my mother and my father. I trusted that my father would always be there for me. And then he wasn't and it was by CHOICE. And with my mother, well any scrap of information she gets her hands on becomes a weapon. In Maine for example she brought up a couple girls I knew when I was 16. One of them called me twice and one of them used to write to me but my mother still remembers them, where they were from, and other stuff that even I've forgotten. If I had told her more she'd remember that too.

Regardless of where it comes from though, I don't trust easily or often and so when people tell me that they trust me it MEANS something except that I know that they don't mean it in the same way I would and so they are not prepared for my reaction.

And in the end, I guess it's also relevant to say, I don't trust my self with other's trust.
pod

I got a molotov cocktail with a match to go, I smoke my cigarette with style

I'm going to start off this little message to Dr. X by something that will hopefully not embarass him too much. When I wrote about people trusting me I was not refering to Dr. X although I understand why he might think I was. I was talking about someone I know in real life and someone else who does read this journal from time to time. I know how embarassing it can be to egocentrically think someone was talking about you and then realize that they were not, but I also don't want to make Dr. X think that I have some inflated view of myself with respect to his thoughts about me.

I am a proud man and I don't want anyone thinking less of me when that view is correctable.

Dr. X did tell me a rather personal story about his past and if it is true I do judge him a bit for it. Not neccesarily as a bad person but as someone who exercised poor judgement in this situation and should not have done what he did. Not a huge deal but a mistake. And though the END result of the whole ordeal seems to have been positive I submit that had certain different choices been made the result could have been MORE positive even if that seems completely impossible to Dr. X for reasons which are obvious to him and not possible for me to share here without giving out the whole story.

I should also mention that the subject lines of my journal entries are almost always quotes from songs, and usually from songs by the bands I am listening to while writing the entry. So "Ask yourself a question, anyone but me....are you free?" is not a Socratic original. Rather it is a lyric from the CD "Siamese Dream" by the smashing pumpkins. Want to know what he means by it? Ask Billy Corgan.

Personally I take it to mean you are not free. Nobody is totally free, we all face restrictions and we all chafe against them.

I guess that's all I have to say to Dr. X right now except to admonish him to stop whining about how unwanted and intrusive his letters supposedly are. They are neither and I like them fine. Insecurity is MY game and I won't have a competitor for the crown of least self secure on the turf of MY journal.

I have other stuff to say but not the wherewithal to say it at present. Mistakes are irritating. Especially when you tell yourself you won't make them right before you do.