August 29th, 2001

pod

Wrong conclusions that leave you alone, how could everyone else have changed?

I don't think I will do as well in school as I want to, because I really suck at bending to rules or ideas that I think are wrong. It's why I did so poorly in my composition class, I refused to shorten up my compositions when that would result in me writing something I didn't believe in, and I would refuse to use his or her instead of thier.

I'm scared of getting yet another teacher who I can't agree with and starting another long drawn out cold war. Jeff calls me stupid when I do it. He says the quality of work shouldn't depend on the quality of the instructor. He lives in Purdy's, what does he know? (please no angry rants Jeffery-boy. I am merely insulting you, not your beloved Purdy's, the town that sounds like a spectacularly unclassy diner)

School is very close now. I can taste the books and already see the beautiful campus cobblestones as I walk to class. I'm almost prepared but I'm not preparing. That's okay.

At least I'm not afraid.
  • Current Music
    Counting Crows
pod

And it's good I'm not angry, anymore.

I need to stop fucking around. There are things out there that I KNOW need doing and yet I'm afraid to DO them. I need to get my final registration in order. I need to find out why Gabe's so pissed at me. I need to break with old and bad things and find new and better ones. I need to stop thinking that I can do EVERYTHING. I am not a genius I am not a chosen one I don't have to prove myself on an inhuman scale.

I got an email from Shana today. It was a big form email she sent to all her friends from her new digs in Japan. The last email I sent her went unreplied to but apparently I'm still on her list of people who should know where she is should they have a desire to contact her. I have none.

For those of you who don't know who Shana is, she's nobody important. Her email was timed in such a way that it brought up a lot of stuff that has been simmering under the surface but I've dealt with it and the water was lukewarm rather than scalding. No pain there except an all wet pride. I made a stupid decision based on stupid advice and paid a rather cheap price. The kind of thing that most people easily brush aside but that stings me for awhile afterwards because of that beautiful arrogance that Jeff is always accusing me of.

But I know who I want to be and that's what I should concentrate on. It's too bad there's no shortcuts to where I want to go but I think I'm ready to go up the long way and fuck all the scrapes scratches and broken bones I'm bound to get along the way.

I wonder where Kawah is. He's supposed to come over soon to work with me on his NYU app but he hasn't been around on IMer for awhile which worries me a bit. I hope it's just that his boss won't let him play online during the day anymore. Otherwise he's either hurting or has been lying to me.

I am ashamed to say that I don't know which would upset me more. I grow gruffer and stronger and tougher and I GROW. Am I losing my delicate innocense or gaining valuable wisdom? Am I growing dumber or wising up? Things always change but it's so hard to know whether it's for the better sometimes. My surrounding no longer seem to be the right ones for me. I think it's time for a change but life intercedes. It's okay, A year is not as long as it used to be and I can wait for the good to come. Because even if I don't like what I've become as much as what I was, at least I'm happier. And I'm not hurting anybody. And what could be better than that?
  • Current Music
    Matchbox 20
pod

I could turn you inside out, what I choose not to do

I hurt.

Physically. My left shoulder and back area is throbbing. I probably wrenched it out a little while carrying the canoes back from the dock in Maine and then agravated it lifting weights today. Such things happen. It's actually nice to be able to trace my rather testy mood to something as simple and understandable as a pulled muscle. Time was that I would just hurt inside and not be able to deal with it but that time seems like it was a million years ago. Inside I feel strong and confident and balanced. Low center of gravity and ready to take the hits that always seem to come.

I like this hurt. This hurt that makes SENSE.

I'm not sure how I feel about myself right now. It's a strange thing to feel secure and not know why. Better than being insecure and not knowing why. I survived the summer with virtually no scars. That's astounding.

I am letting my mind rest recently in preparation for school. I am thinking that maybe this time I should try to reach out and grab the material rather than waiting for things to happen the other way around. I want to learn, I want to be special, I want to shine. I might as well TRY to start now.

I want to write but I'm too content to whine. I'm dipping into exhaustion and irritation with the pain but at the heart of things I'm alright.

How wierd is that?
  • Current Music
    REM
pod

I could turn you inside out, what I choose not to do

I hurt.

Physically. My left shoulder and back area is throbbing. I probably wrenched it out a little while carrying the canoes back from the dock in Maine and then agravated it lifting weights today. Such things happen. It's actually nice to be able to trace my rather testy mood to something as simple and understandable as a pulled muscle. Time was that I would just hurt inside and not be able to deal with it but that time seems like it was a million years ago. Inside I feel strong and confident and balanced. Low center of gravity and ready to take the hits that always seem to come.

I like this hurt. This hurt that makes SENSE.

I'm not sure how I feel about myself right now. It's a strange thing to feel secure and not know why. Better than being insecure and not knowing why. I survived the summer with virtually no scars. That's astounding.

I am letting my mind rest recently in preparation for school. I am thinking that maybe this time I should try to reach out and grab the material rather than waiting for things to happen the other way around. I want to learn, I want to be special, I want to shine. I might as well TRY to start now.

I want to write but I'm too content to whine. I'm dipping into exhaustion and irritation with the pain but at the heart of things I'm alright.

How wierd is that?
  • Current Music
    REM