August 31st, 2001

pod

Sharpening stones, walking on coals, to improve your business acumen.

My head is clearing up after a few days of hazyness brought on by lack of sleep and a bit of sickness. I think. Anyway I'm glad that I'm getting on my mental feet again so to speak and am more able to think and speak and write in the way I have become acustomed to.

I'm kind of in the mood to rant again today. Yes I know I've done it a fair amount recently and it's not good behavior but as much as it pains me to know that what I write is not fit for public consumption, as much as it hurts to think of myself as the type of person who would say things that other people can't empathise with and who would be BORING, I gotta get over it. Sometimes you just gotta put your balls in the vice and squeeze. Not that I'd suggest actually doing that. That would hurt a lot. It's a metaphor. Trust me, testicular pain is a BAD kind of pain.

This rant is on a familiar topic but it comes with a caveat. I have been thinking and I am not sure what the best way is anymore. What I mean is that I don't know if my restrictive moralistic christian rooted views of sexuality are in any way superior or even not-INFERIOR to the free love, fuck whoever you like/no judgement attitude which seems to be fairly common these days.

Yes I'm harping.

So what?

Anyway (my head is starting to fail me now by the way) this is about expectations that other people have for me and those that I have for myself. Practically everyone except Jeff tells me that I will make an impact on whatever field I decide to go in to. I don't neccesarily agree, I think that I am CAPABLE of making an impact but I am not 100% sure that I will ever get it together enough to do so. I have real problems with focus and habits get harder to change the older you get. Plus I've been thinking about my own mortality a little and who knows how long I'll live. I could die before 30. Lots of people do. That would prevent me from doing anything except going to school my whole damn life. I think that if I found out I was dying I would drop out of school and get a job for a little while. That's just one of the things I've been thinking about (19 year old thinking about his own mortality may seem a little bit sick, but I'm a lot sick, so that's.....okay).

Another expectation that people have is that eventually I will grow out of this social misfit stage and have a normal progression of life including, of course, the wife and kids.

As a father I have no idea how I would be. I think that I have the neccesary tools to do well, from sensativity to intelligence to the ability to enjoy myself amusing very small children and the moral stance neccesary to teach a child why they have to be nice to those less fortunate than themselves, why judging someone for their appearance damages you as well as them, and why rules should be obeyed unless you have a direct reason to oppose them or are completely willing to accept the consequences of your actions.

Of course I'm not nearly ready to be a father NOW but I'm also 19 so that's not a big deal. Very few modern 19 year olds are ready for parenthood and almost all of them would be MORE ready at 25-30.

On the other hand a child represents an almost palpably huge commitment. I mean with a wife, she can always find someone else if things don't work out. She's a fully grown human being and there are other people out there who can fulfill the same function at a high level of quality. With a child the opposite is true. A child NEEDS its parents for at least around 25 years I'd say. And I've only lived 19 and can't IMAGINE taking care of such a creature for more than two decades. I mean it would mean everything from investing hundreds of thousands of dollars to not even THINKING about suicide anymore because parental suicide is something that I have some knowledge about and I would never bring another little kid in this world only to destroy their parent.

It would mean taking only acceptable risks and not being able to spend days by myself just thinking and a billion other things. That's freaking scary to even contemplate man.

And the wife idea isn't too much more attractive either. When I think of wives I think of women lying with their legs spread on some Tennis Pro's bed while their husbands work 12 hour days to afford the 1.5 million dollar house AND the country club membership which turns out to be so ironic.

When I was like 13 I went and visited the brother of one of my mother's friends on Martha's Vinyard. He had a HUGE house which he had gotten by divorcing his wife after 15 years of marriage (that was when the pre-nup ran out) and it was an okay time playing in the ocean on a private beach and seeing how the really rich live. Then we all went into town and stopped at some woman's house for a bit. We went in and talked a little, about her husband and her work and I had no idea what we were doing there. Then Nelson (the brother of my mom's pal) handed his sister the car keys and said that he would be staying with this woman and he would appreciate being picked up around 10 AM, before her husband got home. We left and spent the night in his house without him. While he diddled some poor schmo's wife in town.

I was 13 and nobody saw this as inappropriate information for a 13 year old, well I think my mother and her friend did but HE didn't and his girlfriend didn't. I had heard about infidelity but this time I actually saw it happening and it upset me. Now that I'm older and understand the motivation it upsets me MORE.

You read articles in the Sunday Styles section of the times about how while men are working at the office and women are in their vacation homes the women revert to the single life, including taking home strangers from a bar and letting them "do what comes naturally."

You see articles on mainstream net news sources like the MSN homepage talking about whether a pre-wedding fling is right for you. As if there is a situation where fucking someone else while you are engaged could be anything but a blackhearted betrayal perpatrated in greed and immaturity. Like there is a RIGHT way to cheat.

When people remember their girlfriends they mostly talk about how it ended and oftentimes it was through cheating. Even Jeff told me a story about how he was living with a woman and she slept with her psychologist and admitted it. He took her back and she continued seeing the shrink and eventually left Jeff for him. That is how his generosity was rewarded.

And Jeff is a shrink. He's supposed to know people. Even he's not immune.

So marriage to me is equated to setting yourself up in a life that might not be real. A life where you think that you are secure with the house and the wife and the job and all that and then one day you come home to find the roter-rooter guy rooting around where he's not supposed to.

Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. They don't last.

I know what it's like to live a life that turns out to be false. My dad had chronic depression and I never knew it until I was staring at his face, like wax, in a coffin before they burned him up and I started to learn what it's like to have the rug pulled out from under you and feel your head crack so hard on the fucking concrete that you can't start to get up for YEARS.

Marriage amounts to walking on another rug. Why would anyone want that?

I'd rather have a gun trained on me. At least that's honest.

Jeff tells me that he thinks I really want a relationship. That the things I say are like a man dying of thirst shouting "PLEASE, DON'T BRING ME WATER." some kind of masochistic game. And I do yearn for some kind of personal connection. For someone who I can REALLY talk to. For someone to trust. I do want that more than just about anything. But doesn't that describe a best friend? And the great thing about a best friend is that chances are he won't betray you. He can fuck some waitress from the local hooters and YOU DON'T HAVE TO CARE. Because you have no claim on his sexuality. And if he wants to provide the same kind of friendship to someone else that he provides to you? So fucking what. It's not that big a deal.

Until he sleeps with your girlfriend and then together they break your heart into four little pieces and grind it up into pencil shavings which go up in smoke with the dawn.

So maybe the other way is better. Fuck whoever you like and don't care about anyone else. If your significant other is so fucking naive to believe you would be faithful screw them. The weak should suffer for the sake of the strong. Promises of "I love you" and "I'll always be true" should be assumed empty and the only thing that you can trust is the fun of the moment. Lying cheating stealing, it's all okay.

Ever seen that verizon ad where the chick steals her ex boyfriend's car and laughs about it with her friend when he tries to call to find it and the rest of his stuff.

That's the fucking future man.

And it makes me sick. It makes me retch from somewhere deep within when I think about how COMMON betrayal has become. Cheat on a test and break the teacher's trust? Why the fuck not? That's the attitude SO many people seem to have. Take what you can get and goddamn the consequences for others.

What a subhuman attitude. What a dark, disgusting, lump of shit these people must have for hearts. What a grimy stained torn rag of a soul must reside in their perfect little frames with the too white teeth and the lips that pay service to religeon and promises one day and suck the semen out of some stranger's cock the next while their boyfriend is away to tend to his ailing grandfather.

I would love to find out what kind of twisted stupidity leads to decisions like that. And why people don't CARE about other people. I would like to see whether their logic has anything TO it before I condemn them. Because I BELIEVE that my view is the right one. That promises SHOULD mean something and that betrayal is worse than outright violence because you expect to be stabbed by an enemy but not the person who you're supposed to share your bed and your life with.

I don't see how I could be wrong. And what scares me is that these traitorous scum lumps don't have scarlet tattoos or anything differentiating them from moral people. Someone told me a week or two ago that all relationships start out SEEMING good. The bad people are good at putting up trustworthy facades. Probably better than the trustworthy people because everybody slips up once in awhile and those with not so much to hide probably won't do a very good job of hiding it. (Even my vision of the perfect girl might occasionaly flirt with the hunky mailroom guy, but that's okay because flirting is sort of an instinct and not neccesarily concious and impossible to control. As long as she stops herself before things develop to the point where she knows what she's doing, I'm okay with it.)

I feel a little better after saying all this shit.

By the way, if you're wondering how I know I wouldn't do the exact thing I'm railing against given the opportunity, I would respond by saying I don't THINK I would. I have never cheated on a test or homework assignment given the opportunity and I don't steal even little things (I'll walk 5 miles before I'll hop a subway turnstile) I don't mind getting lower grades for my convictions and I enjoy fighting the good fight.

I wouldn't marry anyone unless it felt so incredibly right that it sang in my teeth, and if I was dating a girl and found someone so much better that I couldn't resist...I would break up with the first girl before persuing the second.

Not that that's perfect.

Anyway I didn't really want to make this a huge angry condemnation of people who are, after all, just being flawed normal people. But I guess it is and I think it made me feel better. And for that I'm glad, since nobody has to read this and I would never TELL anyone that I thought these things about them. Nor can I say that I wouldn't be friends with a known cheater.

The thing I'm left with now is the question of whether this felt good because I said something that needed saying or because feeling superior is fun.

I'll get back to you.

P.S. if one of my readers (and there IS only one reader: Jeffery B cause anyone else who bothered to read this deeply into this pile of badly written shit is obviously someone with problems) feels offended by what I've written I apologise and I have to say that it's much easier to hate a group than to hate a person. People always seem to have redeeming qualities and mitigating circumstances. So if I KNEW you I probably wouldn't condem you. If that offers any comfort.
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    REM
pod

I wish the real world would stop hasseling me

Yeesh, I appear to have been slightly peeved this morning. I wasn't as well rested as I thought and it made me a little cranky. I said some thing that were perhaps, in retrospect, just a wee bit harsh. At least I didn't say them to anyone REAL, this is just an impersonal journal and I don't think livejournal's servers are capable of being offended, moody as they sometimes are.

Sometimes I really enjoy spewing invective, and I've always enjoyed making up vicious and vulgar comments. In highschool I used to write book reports that would get me sent to the head of the english department. When I was little and the pre-school teacher said "Use your words" all the other kids tended to run away from me. That's not true but I have always been an enthusiastic insulter.

Anyway I'm kinda sorry about the stuff I said and I realize that everyone's flawed and some people DO make honest mistakes and not EVERYBODY is so calous as to think only of themselves. It just seems like that at times. I am very upset that I was born at the tail end of a feminist era where now women have been liberated to be as promiscous and shallow as men. Which is not to say that I promote a double standard, just that I don't understand why the bar was lowered for women rather than raised for men. I mean instead of throwing chastity and the importance of staying in a marriage by the wayside why not start preaching it to boys as strongly as it was preached to girls?

Why did feminists educate their little girls to be fast and loose rather than educating their little boys to be slow and tight?

I don't know.

But I hold views that many people would find offensive and those of us who live in glass houses probably shouldn't be throwing stones so I'm sorry again for what it's worth. Not very sorry, but a little sorry.

Is that enough?

I feel kinda silly right now. That's a good thing. I think that a lot of this anxiety and stuff is coming from boredom and waiting for school to start, as well as some frustrations that would probably be laughable to most people. Like the way the Giants second team offense and defense were beaten to a pulp by the Ravens in the final preseason game. Sure the first team giants took a 6-0 lead before they left the field, and they would be the ones playing in a real game situation, but 38-9 is just a BEATING. I dunno, I like the Giants because they're scrappy and flawed and they seem real. Kerry Collins is a guy who was handed everything on a silver platter, dug a huge hole for himself, and then proceeded to dig himself out. After having been to extreme lows and even having his driver's license revoked for drunken driving he seems to be much more REAL than most athletes today. Sure a lot of people don't get a second chance, but at least he's doing something with his. At least he isn't wasting it. And Tiki Barber is a guy who does a whole lot without being super flashy or posessing incredible genetic advantages. He has drive and work ethic and he is a fairly smart guy too, if his sportscasting job for CBS provides anything close to an impression of what he's like. Michael Strahan is just a cool guy and he has an infectious gap-toothed smile. He's about as cute as a 250+ lb guy who slams other men into the grass for a living can be.

Anyway I'm a Giants fan and I'm okay with that. It almost certainly also has to do with the memory of watching superbowl XV with my dad on his bed and going to a Giants game or two with him. But I'm okay with that.

So I've been frustrated and irrational and stupid and a little mean. Bad me. I ranted and raved and said things that I should regret. Okay. This is my lousy apology. I have more to say but I'll do that later
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    Matchbox 20
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What we've got here is a failure to communicate

Hmmm.

I got another missive (it's an improper usage of the word but I like flaunting my medium sized vocabulary so go copulate with your matriarch if you wanna call me on it) from the mysterious and apparently NEFARIOUS Dr.X. The bad doctor has apparently been showing my journal to associates of his and they are criticising it. That, for some reason, sets me on edge.

I mean it's one thing for someone alone in a room to see what I write and think "He's a jerk" or "What a fucking moron" or even "He's scum." That I can handle. I can even handle that person sending me a reply or an email or whatever saying "You're scum" or "You are a fucking moron" or even "You're a big jerk" (I added in the big for color. Not colour, color. Adding an adjective in the center, not centre, of a sentence can make it more exciting and memorable. If you don't understand what the fuck I am talking about feel free to say "WHAT?" but don't dare say "Pardon?") But the idea of a bunch of people actually sitting around together in a room and disecting my least mature thoughts and worst instincts is downright upsetting.

"Wow, isn't he a fucking hypocrite?"
"Yeah, I guess. I'd laugh at his flaws if they weren't so pathetic. He just makes me sick to be a member of his species.":
"Don't worry Jerry, you're not like him. You're SCADS better."
"Don't I know it. Hey it's almost time for our greenpeace meeting. You know how lost they get without us."
"Oh darn, I'm not quite finished creating a vaccine for HIV. Oh well, I guess it can wait till morning"
"Yeah. Don't forget to send out your thesis on how to bring minorities out of poverty and equal the playing field for all mankind. Prime Minister Blair is anxiously awaiting it."
"Oh yeah, so what should we do with this chump?"
"I dunno, I mean we could have him killed but what's the point? Such a pathetic scrub will undoubtably end up irrelevant and no threat to anyone. He's so stupid he thinks Hegel is a Jewish candy."

Such are the conversations I imagine Dr. X and his cohort "Stu" having at my expense. All that the Dr. said was that Stu thought I was only bagging on relationships so much because I can't get one. I disagree. While I certainly don't think I am anyone's gift to women or that I could easily find somebody to love me (A la the Jefferson Airplane song) I also don't think that my behavior is that of someone looking for female companionship.

I don't hit on girls, I regularly ignore things other people consider signals and I don't flirt. So Stu, I think that you're wrong. Put that in your monocle and peer at it.

Dr. X says that I seem to be very strongly against adultery for someone who has never even been on a date. This may be true but I think it is easily attributable to my father's very intimate betrayal of me and I don't think it's any inherent character flaw. Once bitten twice shy and you don't forget it when the person you care most about in the world says that they care more for something else (Be it death or some pretty boy's 10 inch cock) more than they care for you.

Dr. X asked what I'm studying and I gotta say that it's kinda spread out. I think 2 psychology classes, 1 sociology, 1 required lit-hum class that I took half of and aced so completely it contributed to my burning out of Columbia the first time I attempted it, 1 spanish course, and something else. Literature anthropology or something, I don't know. Haven't decided yet. Should soon.

P.S. I have been very careful in criticising Dr. X because of his apparent flightyness and I don't really want to drive him off, but I gotta say that I am not secure enough yet to get second hand criticisms from his cousin. If said cousin wants to communicate on a one to one basis with me, fine, but hearing that someone thinks I'm being an idiot is just squirm inducing. Please, if your cousin has any more "insight" about little old me just keep them to yourself. I realize that I have probably blown your identity to said cousin if said cousin ever looks at this part of the journal, but I'm really okay with that. A bit of subtle revenge for your little bash session. Anyway I am not aiming to drive you off to duckland, but I am just saying what I'm saying. Take it how you will.

Will write more later when life is a little different.

Or not.
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    Bruce Cockburn