November 1st, 2001


And I don't have hopes and dreams

It's funny how quick one can get to the level of "Despondent" without experiencing any major painful event. I knew it was coming though, I always suffer emotional collapse during my "Sharp" periods, although I'm not actually all that sharp at the moment. I am having more success in school than I did at the begining of the semester but am also suffering through the traditional feelings of irrelevance and self-loathing. It's not just that I'm irrelevant, I also feel like what I'm DOING is highly irrelevant. Who gives a flying copulation about these silly classes and sillier grades? What am I wasting my time on? It's like a jail sentence making license plates.

I fired Jeff today. With the recession coming he's just too expensive and not helpful enough. I don't understand what wierd thought he's gotten into his head that makes him act the way he has over the past few but I can't continue to tread water for $250 a week. I actually cried afterwards, saying goodbye to an old friend is always hard, but it felt like it had to be done. Don't know if it will stick though. Sad as it seems I've really nowhere else to turn for support at the moment.

Oh well, nothing new there.

Am I intentionally isolating myself again? I do it from time to time, back off from everyone and just wallow in my own private pain. I don't know if that's what's going on at the moment, it's usually accompanied by a precipitous drop off in school work and my school work has been decent this semester. Maybe I'm just learning to deal with it better.

I don't think those old fantasies of wanting to get famous and die hard for sympathy are a good sign though. Unfortunatly they don't accept old school sons of bitches like myself at nunneries. Otherwise I'd get my ass to a convent. Monestaries suck though, lots of caligraphy and quiet. Damn lousy monks.
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