November 16th, 2001


Cause I could be, that everything you need

I'm a little scared to go to sleep right now. I've been having nightmares for the past few nights and today I tried to stay up to watch Inside the NFL on HBO but I fell asleep at the begining of the show and I woke up in the middle of Autopsies: Something of the dead. After watching a bit of an autopsy show while asleep and a bit more while awake I am almost certain to have some 'mares tonight. Or at least paranoid what is that squeaking in the hallway thoughts while trying to drift off.

The worst nightmares are the ones about my father. Those ones can linger for days.

Moving on, today was interesting. I got my Lit-Hum mid-term back and I thought that I probably got around an 80 on it, but when I opened the booklet up it said 98. That was a bit of a shocker. I actually spoke to the professor after class, informing him that I didn't think I deserved that grade but he said that my essays were "Head and shoulders above almost all the other essays, and at least heads above all of them." That's pretty decent praise I guess although tempered by the fact that I'm competing against true freshmen who could be as much as 2 years younger than me (I'm only 19 though so chances are they aren't THAT much younger.)

The thing about that kind of good grade and praise is that it makes me WANT to work harder to earn it retroactively. I work harder when I get good grades instead of the other way around. What a wierdo eh?

My mom left for Africa. We've actually been getting along better recently, although not well. I think it was a wakeup call for her when she went to the hospital for her heart thing and I was there for her and held her hand through it and brought her reading material and such. She realized that I'm the only one she has left and that if she continues to treat me like shit I won't stick around forever and it scared her, or something. It's true though that if she treats me better she can expect better treatment in return.

I was sharper today although I don't fully remember it. I talked to Jeff and he's going through a rough spot right now which makes me feel bad for cutting back treatment. I know that he's probably hurting a bit for cash right now like the rest of us are, but then again psychological treatment ain't charity so I have to bannish those thoughts.

During social psychology class I got cocky and made a dumb comment and made it agressively. I hope I can recover in the professor's eyes, it was stupid and just the sort of thing I'm prone to that I have to avoid. I can be a true idiot at times but hopefully things will work out. I only have 4 more sessions of that class left anyway so that's only 5 hours and can be handled no matter what.

I feel okay for the last few days. Dolores, my sort of adopted grandmother who considers herself my peer invited me to thanksgiving at the home of some lesbian couple of indeterminate age. I countered by suggesting that they would probably not be showing the football game (I ENJOY WATCHING FOOTBALL. So what?) because it's a proven fact that lesbians don't like football (the typical tight pants attraction for most women doesn't work on them) She said that chances were that there'd be at least one other straight male there. ONE OTHER straight male. A house FULL of women, a large proportion of them gay, and one other straight guy and me watching football? That sounds like my definition of unpleasant. Not that I have anything against lesbians (more than I have against ANY women) but when you remove age, gender, AND sexual orientation from the "In common" equation things start getting a little forced. There's just not a whole lot I have to say to a house full of middle aged lesbians.

Turning down Dolores is always hard but I managed it (I agreed to breakfast on sunday but it's not like I don't enjoy spending time with her or anything) so I'm glad that I dodged that bullet and am still on track for my lonely man's thanksgiving.

I am even feeling a little optimistic these days. Maybe things will start to turn around. Nah, I doubt it, but maybe they ain't so bad right not anyway.

Maybe they ain't.
  • Current Music