November 20th, 2001


Shit happens

So I was walking down the street thinking about how depressed I've become recently when who should I bump into?


Got it in one.

I saw her from aways off and I wasn't exactly sure whether it was her or just someone who kinda looked like her, but I moved to the other side of the sidewalk so that we could pass eachother with a minimum of awkwardness. She didn't get the hint. As soon as she saw me she broke out into a little jog and came at me with that perpetual grin of hers and said "Hola Amigo!" Fortunatly my instincts kicked in and I went to the script that I had rehearsed for just that situation, saying "Hi, I gotta go, I have a ton of work." and with a cheery "See you" from her and a half limp wristed wave from me we were past one another. Clearly she had no idea how much mental anguish and soul searching I went through over her and she certainly can't be blamed for it, but I do wish I'd had the guts to say something like "Sorry I gotta go, because I don't want to talk to you." Something with a little hostility to it. At the time I wanted to stop and talk but I was afraid, so I did the cowardly (and probably the best) thing. Of course some may suggest that I now have another opening, to send an email saying "Hey, sorry I had to rush when we bumped into eachother on the street but I had a paper due a few hours later" or something similar and thus try to open things up again. But I say nay, let sleeping dogs lie. At least now I can keep open the file of what could have been.

If I wanted to be brutally honest I would say that some part of me hopes futily that she might take this as an opportunity to respond to the last email I sent her which never got a return, but what is to be gained by being brutally honest? I don't mind slamming a door in my own face now and then if it keeps the cold out.

Is my increasing success at self isolation a good thing or a bad thing? I almost don't know anymore. A long time ago I thought it was good, then bad and stupid, and now it seems to be more comfortable and practical but to have less potential than openness and acceptance of opportunity.

The thing is that I know this incedent is going to stick in my mind and torture me for a few days. What's WRONG with me? Why am I so fucking indecisive? Am I indecicive? How do you spell indesicive? I think I got it right the first time. Anyway I'm going to zone out and pretend that she doesn't exist. It's just easier that way.

But I hate myself for taking the easy route. I really do. Life just ain't fucking easy you know? I don't even know how to go about starting to become a man. Maybe it's time to turn to orthodox judiasm like my cousin. Hey, he's got 5 kids so at least he's getting laid, and that's more than I can say.
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Just a day dream

I have definitly hit a low point in one of my mood cycles. Or at least I hope its the low point. I feel lonely and worthless (That shouldn't surprise anyone) but most of all I feel trapped. I have all these school obligations and my true focus should be on getting myself on track in less concrete but more fundementaly important ways. Where along the way did I leave my contentiousness, anger, drive, and arrogance. Has being spoon-fed good grades for little effort made me buy into the educational establishment in a rather foolish attempt to inflate my self esteem? Where's the hard core of my being who had focus, drive, who was comfortable being by himself and saying fuck off to the rest of the world?

These days I'm just a shy quiet guy who hides in the back of classrooms and limps through life like the walking wounded. At least according to some. But the real me is SOMEWHERE inside, I know it. The question is do I want to let him out. I know I talk a good game and don't do much but these are problems I AM wrestling with and I do have evidence for the stuff I say. Right now I'm so tired I can barely see so I'm going to go to bed and just hope that I don't dream of her.

Oh yeah, and I was an idiot with respect to that today, but hey I'm 19 and if that's the biggest personal mistake I make all year I'm in GREAT shape.
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