November 26th, 2001


Just anybody

It's a strange sensation to live life not really knowing who you are. Or at least being a different person depending on the situation. I know that many people feel like they can't be themselves around other people, but for me sometimes it's the opposite. I feel like with SOME people I can really truly be the me I want to be and think I can be, but alone or with others I revert to this lazy fuck who'se completely lost and wandering.

What kind of guy needs OTHER people to be himself? It's fucking deranged.

This is all brought on by the fact that I CANNOT bring myself to get my work done. Now if I'm working with someone else or if a favor is asked of me I can motivate and do it, but when I'm alone I just CAN'T force myself to get the job done. It's bizzare. I was going to clean and do homework this weekend and I didn't. I didn't do anything else of value either, just frittered away 3 days (Thanksgiving I went to a long dinner so it doesn't count.)

Why? What's wrong with me?

Is it because I relied on my father so much in my youth? Is it because most of the stuff I have to do just doesn't engage me on any significant level? Is it because I am naturally a totally lazy fuck? I don't think it's entirely a matter of willpower because I can stand very firm on my ethics even when it is painful or work intensive for me, so I just don't know what it is.

Ahh I'm rambling. It's just sometimes I feel almost....inhuman. Like everyone has all these seemingly reasonable expectations for me and what they see as a small step I see as a running leap over a huge gaping chasm...with scorpions and spikes at the bottom....and a crumbly ledge on the other side...and a field of tripwire on this side.

Is this how everybody feels? Are people just not in touch with themselves or is there something desperatly and fundementally wrong with me? Why can't I seem to view the world through everyone elses framework.

I have no significant goals. I have no close emotional relationships. I barely even have a meaningful self view and yes I do have psychological explanations for SOME of this stuff, but not in light of other things. If I can go into a strange social situation such as thanksgiving at a house full of women, and mostly lesbian women at that, and come out rather well I should be able to do the same in familiar social situations but I simply can't. It's bizzare. I don't know, I really should get to work on my sociology paper right now instead of sitting around feeling confused by if not sorry for myself.

Still, one does wonder about the common human experience when it seems to be so far off from what you yourself are experiencing.
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White boy's burden

Caution: This post has not been Oprahized for your protection.

Today in my Sociology class I made a terrible mistake. I forgot I was a white male and therefore unworthy of criticizing anyone else who is NOT a white male no matter how moronic or nasty they are. My people have opressed minorities and women for so long that anything I say or think is automatically opressive. Nevermind that all girls have fathers and I actually have a rather impressive claim to feminist ancestry with Alan Guttmacher, one of the founders of Planned Parenthood and the reproductive rights movement, as my grandfather. My pale penis makes me Stonewall Jackson.

Okay that rather bizzare rant does have a basis in experience. I mentioned sociology class and I might as well describe the incedent. We were discussing selections from Patricia Collins' book "Black Feminist Thought." Yeah I know, I'm sure it was on everyone's list of Christmas gifts that I'd really really really like, and you're crushed that I've already read it. Get over it. Anyway I dated to mention that in a work that makes the claim that Black women should throw off the bonds of European academia when studying their own experience, using the term "The Eurocentric Masculinist Knowledge Validation Process" to label the section where that statement is made seems a bit...well...ironic. I said that if your audience is a broad crossection of undereducated opressed black women they aren't going to UNDERSTAND that term and if they do understand it they aren't going to engage it. And the fucking girls in that estrogen soaked classroom JUMPED on me. "What do you mean aren't going to understand it?" "Aren't you making assumptions about black women?"

Some days it doesn't pay to think

I know un-educated black women. I'm engaged in the process of trying to provide a little bit of knowledge to a group of under-educated black women this very semester. I have no pretenses that they aren't smart or capable or capable of aplying themselves. But when you talk about throwing off the shackles of Male European academics and use a fancy schmancy elitist academic term in the same fucking breath you are being at the very least remarkably short sighted and possibly hypocritical. There are other much less intimidating terms one can use to get across the same concept with a little less exactness but a lot more accessibility, and if you're gonna be railing against the ivory tower isn't it better to do it from ground level? Not to mention the fact that they were interupting me and if I did that to any of them they would scream bloody murder.

I wasn't being racist or sexist, in fact I had just finished levying the same charges against a dead white male (Gramsci) who writes about organic intellectualism rising from the proletariete class while himself being a non-working class guy who is applying his educated thoughts and opinions to a situation. Both of these people are basically reverse exclusionistic, trying to block off members of the dominant class or race/gender combo from identifying with them or at the very least forcing them to jump through rhetorical hoops to do so. And I think it's silly. It doesn't speak to me and it appears that it's not SUPPOSED to speak to me. Isn't that just as bad as all the Rich White Men who haven't spoken to minorities or women for millenia?

The professor who is female agreed with me or at least felt that I had valid critiques of the two authors. Unless she was just blowing smoke up my ass. But this is one of the main reasons that I resent and dislike women. So many of the women I meet come from this prickly hyperdefensive uberfeminist place that basically says that men, and specifically white men, should always be on guard from actually being themselves around women. We should bow and scrape and apologise for the wrongs our male ancestors did and avoid any of the self centered thoughts or actions that every-fucking-person-who-has-ever-lived commits. When a black man robs and rapes its cause he's opressed but when a white man levels a valid criticism (even if you don't agree with it, it's not exactly out of left field) at a black woman it's prejudice. I don't let my attitudes influence my actions. While little miss indignant is heading to her dorm room to fuck some guy who is willing to compromise his beliefs and lie for pussy (and there are far more horny guys than sensative guys out there) I'm dragging my tired sick ass to a GED class to maybe do a little bit of educational good. I'm not perfect and maybe my impact is not so great, but damn it I'm trying the best I can.

So from me to everyone who thinks that the 21st is going to be the women's century...FUCK YOU bitches. You want the title of best gender and treatment as my superior you're going to have to rip it from my cold, dead fingers. I am not going to give anyone respect unless they EARN it from me and not just by shifting the criteria of what success and intelligence means to fit what they have. By MY Criteria. I'm not going to set aside my convictions or competitive spirit for a shot at what's between some skank's legs even if it means that I never get laid. You want recognition and respect, well you're not the only ones and even if my gender seems to be willing to roll over without a fight I'm not. And I won't be called prejudiced on the same day that I spend 2 hours of my time volunteering to teach a Jamaican man in a wheelchair, two black women, a black man, and two hispanic men just because I want to make a difference. And no I don't see them in racial colors, I'm just describing them for the sake of evidence. If you don't like that? You can SUCK it.

If being a loner means that you don't have to roll over and die in the face of majority opinion well maybe it's not such a bad thing after all. Now if you'll excuse me I'm fucking exhausted and I'm going to sleep. Hopefully to dream of little indignant bitches being dragged to the gallows. Because I'm violent and vindictive like that. Deal with it.
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