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December 21st, 2001

03:47 pm - Your eyes, I say your eyes may look like his. Yeah but in your head baybee I'm afraid you don't know where it is

I got my first grade for the semester and it was an A in Spanish. I didn't really deserve it but I'll take it as it was one of the components to the GPA over 3.7 scenario I've been hoping for. See as a 4 credit class Spanish carries more weight than most of my other classes (3 pointers). That means that not only does an A cancel out a B+ to bring the average up to A- levels but it pulls the grade slightly above that. Now if I get an A in lit hum or sociology and an A- in social psychology I have a pretty decent shot at the 3.7 average for the semester which would be very nice. That assumes that I don't bomb Memory: Cognition and stress, and make at least a B in that class. My mem grade will be posted on the net at some point in the near future so I'm sort of waiting with baited breath for that one. 40% of my grade is still up in the air in that class and depending on whether the first test gets curved I could still pull off a B+. Doesn't seem likely though. STill the A in Spanish gives me hope. Why do I care about a 3.7 average you ask (Yes I know you didn't ask you moody fuck, but I'm answering anyway. Got that bro?) It's because of my prevention focus. I don't want my GPA to drop lower than it is, even though where it is isn't particularly important. I'd rather go from 3.7 to 3.8 than 4.0 to 3.9 even though the latter would be objectively superior. Yeah I'm deranged....so fucking what?

I should also mention that tomorrow is my 20th birthday and for the third year in a row it's going to whimper its way on past with equal amounts of angst, depression, and disapointment. My "Friends" including the one whose greatest wish I helped fulfill (getting into college) would rather go out to flushing to hang out with a guy that none of them really like than do anything with me, so fuck them, maybe next time when the chips are down and they need my help I'll just fold and leave em hanging in the breeze. My mother is not giving me a gift this year which is kind of insulting since I bought her a Christmas gift and she isn't getting me anything for Christmas either, but it's better than her buying herself a cell phone and pretending its a gift for me then acting like a complete and total bitch when I call her on it.

Oh and we got into a HUGE fight this morning when, among other things, she told me "You're complaining about how bad YOU have it but do you ever think about how hard your birthday is for ME?" My twentieth birthday is coming and going and nobody gives a shit and I'm supposed to be crying for her because her son isn't as popular as she'd like? She's also been going off at random over old shit that's being dealt with but her neuroticism dictates that she get her stress out by being verbally and at times physically abusive. Oh well.

Oh and she also told me that if I don't arrange a party for my birthday she'll stay here to keep me company rather than get the fuck out of my hair which would be the greatest gift I could ask for. If I keep going to summer school it's only two years till I grab my degree and I can join a graduate program somewhere ELSE where the rents aren't so crazy and I can afford my own place. That'll be awesome, I'll make sure to rent from a guy so I can just bolt the door, put up my "No Cunts Allowed" sign and start living my damned LIFE. Okay now I'm just sort of ranting but it's either dream or commit suicide, and frankly my razorblades are a little too dull for the second option to be a pleasant one.

08:05 pm - A pressing etymological question

What exactly is a humbug and where does the word descend from? I mean does it just combine insects and humming? I ask because I'm thinking about one of the greatest literary heroes of our time, Ebenezer Scrooge (before the fascist ghosts beat him into submission and communist style sharing of his wealth), says it and I'm not sure what it means.

Anyone wanna guess whether I'm bored or anxious waiting for my birthday and my grades? I'll give you a hint. Yes. I am. Both.

10:19 pm - All the joy within you dies.

Well I got a B in My memory class which pretty much assures me of a GPA lower than 3.7 for the semester. Turns out that my Paper got the full 15 points but I blew the final, getting a 39 out of 50. So I ended up with a B and without some seriously high scores on the finals of my remaining classes I'm knocked off my high horse. Of course my 3.6 (which is an A- average and much more significant than 3.7 which is arbitrary) should still be intact as long as things don't go HORRIBLY wrong. I mean I'm at a 3.57 right now and that B will probably be my lowest grade of the semester, as long as I didn't REALLY blow my social psych test. Argh...it's all very upsetting and only 2 hours till my birthday and I'm 20. The strange thing is that during the semester I was more concerned with just about anything than I was with school, I felt more pride and accomplishment from watching a DVD than I did from performing decently on school work, and now I'm realizing that that was a fucking insane way to approach things. I'm just slightly perturbed that this wasn't an even stronger wake-up call, I mean a single B on my transcript isn't going to do any damage and as long as I didn't outright fuck myself in any of my other classes I haven't exactly destroyed my future....but still I need to start accepting the difference between reality and fantasy and be more banal. I'm going to be 20 for christ-sake, and I'm entering a phase of life where shit has long-term consequences. I hate the way the world works in that if you want to be successful there's much more that you have to avoid than you have to do. I also hate the way school works in that each section of your grade is only so much, you can't get over 100 percent and 100 percent is too easy to get, so you spend a lot of time and effort doing stuff you don't get rewarded for. Especially with me and class participation, where if I participate as much as any two other people in the class I still get the same grade that they do, even if I'm more insightful etc.


*sigh* Goddamn it I could have avoided this B if I had STUDIED. It wasn't even the procrastination on the paper that did me in, it was STUDYING. That and the fact that I couldn't attend the review sessions because I had tests those days, but that's not my fault. All in all I wish it had been the paper because THAT I frittered away....but going out this way...it just SUCKS.

Prepare for a year of pouting.
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