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December 23rd, 2001

08:50 am - Made it through the first part of the birthday/Christmas double threat

Well it's the second day of my third decade (Yes I am aging myself from birth and not conception you goddamned freakishly anal anti-abortionist) and I'm hoping that it's better than the first. Actually it would be nice if it were superior to years 12-19 altogether. For those of you who care about New York football and rely on me for all your information about it (Hee, I'm a funnyboy) the eagles lost yesterday leaving the Giants slightly alive. Basically if the giants win this week and next and then the Eagles lose next week the Eagles and the Giants will play for a playoff spot. The pats wrecked the fins which is technically good for the Jets because it means they have a legit shot at winning their division, but bad because it puts more of the responsibility for making the playoffs in their hands. New England now has two more wins than the Jets and Miami has one more even though they all have the same number of losses. Let me amend that, because of september 11th the Giants have to beat the Eagles NEXT week and then if TAmpa bay beats them in the new week 17 the Giants can win the division. That assumes that Giants win out of course.

My mother ended up buying me shoes two sizes too small and giving cash for my birthday. I threw the cash back at her and I might wear the shoes because she was planning on getting them for me anyway (My current shoes are shreded and full of holes but I'm not shelling out the cash to replace them because they're comfortable and I don't care) but she also got me a damned "Evil Ben" doll which was just insulting. I really can't stand the woman.

Not much else went on I fell asleep several times while watching football. Jeff called to wish me a happy birthday and LIE about some kind of gift certificate he supposedly got me. I don't CARE that I didn't get any presents but don't lie about it man. That's just foul. So now I have one day to enjoy my break before Christmas eve ruins all the television and reminds me of how alone I am again. Whee doogie. At least my mother is going to some friends house for Christmas dinner so I'll be alone on Christmas which is a good thing.

I'm still stressed about grades but now I'm on to the pretending to plan stuff to avoid having it happen to me again phase. I am going to try to do the whole new years resolution thing this year but the thing is that with no real motive I very rarely succeed in it. Part of the issue is that if you get an A in a class without doing much work it is motivation to not work on other classes because there is a good chance that your work will be squandered. Ugh I don't want to hold this argument again cause Jeff will just whine "You should be working for your SELF! When I was a young lad and playing basketball I knew that I was only 5'7" and I knew I could never play in the NBA but I played for the love of playing. And I succeeded! They said that the white boy could play. THEY SAID THAT THE WHITE BOY COULD PLAY."

The sad thing is that I'm not even kidding about that. Jeff's the only shrink in town who isn't talking about Jung when he says that he bases his theories on Dr. J.

06:52 pm - Feeling like I'm chasing like I'm facing myself alone

Sometimes things string together strangely. I was taking a nap in the living room when I had a VERY odd dream about "her" (It went from fairly straight forward if factually incorrect into post apocalyptic mayhem where I was a bounty hunter for supernatural creatures and there was a hole to hell in my room underneath my bed) and I decided to check my email just to get any thoughts of prescience or whatever out of my head (I can at times behave as if I believe in the psychic, even though I don't REALLY and when push comes to shove I will select rationality) and the email told me that a Columbia Student had died on my birthday.

Whoa. It's just wierd to go from a freakish scary dream world and seek solace in the REAL world only to bump into freakish frightening events here as well. Maybe a measure of the Post Sept 11th lifestyle. Apparently he fell off Pupin and foul play was ruled out. Meanwhile jumping from a height is my prefered type of suicide fantasy. He died on my birthday when I was feeling incredibly low (Today without the "You must love your birthday edict" I've been having fun watching football and playing Max Payne) and I found about it just after a very strange dream.

I didn't know the dude but it still is a striking turn of events IMO and just rattles the cage a little. It's funny because I live in a bit of a fantasy world (where one can make it through the world without any interaction with the feminine, and where your school years just don't count somehow) and even when something occurs that should serve to rip me kicking and screaming back towards reality it is couched in events that make it seem more like symbolic fantasy than cold hard hit you in the face at 100 mph reality.

Still shell shocked from dad? I don't know, I guess so. But as long as I'm locked up in here with anime and video games and fake electronic friends I won't need to face that bitter cold smack you in the nuts and twist em just for fun world that is SO Fucking real. Right? Right?

P...p...please?
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