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December 26th, 2001

08:18 am - I'm standing here until you make me move!

Christmas came and went with nary a moment of holiday cheer for me (It's not that I didn't have an okay day playing video games and watching Anime, it's that it wasn't a CHRISTMASY day. Which is alright I guess) My mother brought home one of her friends to stay with us over Christmas night which means I am basically locked away in my room. This woman remembers when I was like 7 and nice without discresion (You know, before my father died and trust became just a word that other people use) and she was in a bad way and I was supportive. Well now I'm 20 and she's STILL in a bad way except I'm mature and smart enough to realize that it's her fault. She's chasing a pipe dream of being able to be the ONE PERSON who can fix the Israeli Palestinian conflict and her idea seems to revolve around rational arguments towards both sides about giving up claim to Jerusalem. Ummm...there is NO way an Academic is going to fix this fucking issue through theorizing, and especially not theorizing that fails to take into account the insanity and profound irrationality of both sides. Meanwhile while trying to get funding for this pipe dream she hasn't paid rent in a year, she has no job, and she's basically out on the street.

And if I talk to her now I CAN'T be supportive of that kind of sheer stupidity. The woman has a Harvard PhD and the job market can't possibly be THAT tight, except that she's unwilling to set aside a completely unrealistic dream and live her life. And she's in her FIFTIES.

I dunno I guess in part it pisses me off because I've STARTED making sacrifices of my hopes and dreams just to make my way way through life. I don't want to be in college, I don't want to do psychology, but dreams are just packages of hot air in a thin paper wrapping and clinging to them is a fool's game.

I'm not going to be pushing 60 and still fiddling around with pipe dreams. I'd rather die young. But meanwhile I'm thirsty and a little hungry and I can't go for a damned drink or bowl of cereal because this woman is there and I REALLY don't want to run into her and be forced into a boring conversation about how I used to be when I was little or even worse her deranged theories. Especially since I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut about how STUPID it is to fail to fulfill obligations (like rent) just for some unatainable goal. Oh well, a sore throat and cottonmouth are nothing new to me. Suck it up soldier

02:45 pm - She's got a pretty smile cause of the poison that she hidesSo

So I was basically cooped up in my room till half past noon when my mom and that woman FINALLY vacated the premesis. That was after the woman had set our goddamned toaster oven on fire (you know you're not doing so well when you can't manage to operate a god damned toaster oven. Or rather one that hasn't been damned by god as I imagine a god damned one would be PRONE to flaming up) Note please the irony of my getting yelled at for possibly misplacing the milk but I'm supposed to just go buy a new toaster oven when my mother's friend sets ours ON FIRE. It's not that I want the right to be a complete asshole over a minor thing, it's that I the double standard.

A couple minutes ago I called my mom to ask what kind of toaster she wanted and she yelled at me to stop watching TV and go do something with my life. I found that odd because I thought maintaining what is, by most standards, a good average at a top notch university COUNTED as doing something with my life, but apparently it does not. Cleaning the house however DOES.

On that note Columbianet is finally back up but it hasn't been updated since my birthday so no new grades. I'm mellow though cause for a few hours I have no obligations and no responsibilities and nothing to look forward to or fear in the future.

Just me, Max Payne, and a couple thousand virtual thugs in the market for a lead bouquet.
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