January 4th, 2002

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Over and over, and over again

5:30 in the morning, even New York is calm (well up by Columbia it is since most everybody is still away doin' the vacation thing) and I can't sleep. I'm really not sure why, it might be a combination of hoping for my last grade so I can fully comprehend last semester or a desire to do something or just plane insomnia. It's okay though, I don't feel particularly tired and it feels kinda nice to be awake and TRULY alone, a rare feeling for a city dweller.

I wonder about this new year and how I'll be during it. I mean I think I've taken this whole New Years thing more seriously this year than I did in the past and for the first time in a while I feel established enough to really make a go of it, but will I slip up in my determination like I have in the past? Will I remember the importance of baby steps? I really want to break out of the backfield and head for the end zone at full bore, but then again you gotta watch for those ball stripping free safetys. Okay...bad football metaphors aside, it's the feeling that if I go too far out on a limb it'll snap and I'll have to climb the whole goddamned tree over again.

The New Year stretches out in blank slate mode and I have so much stuff I want to write on it. I mean I do have a vision of what I want from life right now and it's not overly unrealistic (Okay the swimming pool full of diamonds and the cockatoo breeding ranch might have to go) but getting there is the WHOLE issue. Mental Cud that I've been gnawing on for awhile. Of course that's part of the problem, not the sollution, but I can't change everything overnight ya know.

I feel very self actuated at the moment, which is a bit unusual for me, but I'm not sure about what to do with it. So I wrote it down. Heh, it sounds fairly pathetic in retrospect.

I'm running low on people to share stuff with, I really should deal with that. Although I'm not 100% sure how. Maybe not assaulting Jeff with stinky Adidas Cologne would be a start. But how could something that feels so right be wrong?

Small steps Ben. That's your new Mantra. Small steps. One at a time don't overwhelm yourself. Okay first order of business...deciding whether I'd rather have a weekend in the country with some fresh air and starry skies or watch the final game of regular season football, deciding whether the Jets make the playoffs and whether Strahan gets his sack record. The second is actually more important to me than the first, but maybe I should just abandon football and spectator sports entirely. There's better stuff out there. But there's worse stuff too. So.....do I roll the dice and hope for boxcars, or stay away from the table and dodge the snakeyes. One of the universal questions reduced to a craps metaphor. God bless America.
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    No Name Face-Lifehouse
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Give me a few hours I'll have this all sorted out if my mind would just stop racing

Well all has been quiet on the Livejournal warfront for a day or so now and I don't much like it. There are three possibilities near as I figure. The enemy MAY have been blowing smoke when she claimed to be willing to fight to the death and have collapsed under a small dose of direct hostility and other things going on in her homeland...some sort of civil war her troops had to be called back home to deal with.

Another alternative is that the enemy is biding her time...slowing down the assault into border skirmishes so that they don't seem important enough to divert production power to, while she builds up a powerful invasion force in her homeland to destroy me in one fell swoop.

Or, she could be planning something terrible. Something unthought of. Something dastardly nefarious and Ingenious. Oh yes...an attack the likes of which nobody has ever seen before or shall see after. So here's my forewarning dear readers, if anything OVERLY wacky or unusual is posted here in the coming years it might not be me at all, but rather the clever and resourceful foe who seems, for the moment, to be vanquished. The price of freedom is eternal vigilance, so we must have that dear readers, lest she strike at the least expected moment and cause irreconciable mayhem, thereby achieving victory.

She's outthere somewhere....vanquished or plotting....she's out there.
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    Lifehouse- No Name Face
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Strange where were you when we started this game

I just had a shocking reminder of how juvenile my high school aquaintances actually are, and it frightened me. I made the unfortunate mistake of letting them look at my journal and one of them made a comment that chilled me to the core. No it wasn't about ME but....well...it's not really something I should discuss in a forum like this. The thing is that although the guy was clearly joking there was just enough of a hint of truth in there to make me think about how LITTLE you actually know about the people you know. I mean Jeffrey Dahlmer's neighbors found him rather normal. We put so much trust into our friends and aquaintances when any one of them could be a truly horrific being capale of truly unspeakable evils.

Maybe this is old news to most of you as I'm sure I'd be like "duh" if I read it in someone else's journal, but I had a startling and chilling reminder of the fragility of the ties that bind us.

This vacation feels wasted but I'm oddly okay with that. I mean I feel like I earned something real and tangible last semester, like by achieving high grades I made the boredom pain and guilt almost worth it.

But I also feel isolated. My mom suggested I re-start an old aquaintanceship with a guy I used to be friends for, but he's such a....Jock and that's not me. I dunno. Seems like a recipe for disaster. Maybe I should do it anyway, worst case scenario is boredom or embarassment. But, but....argh. Jeff's so gonna harass me over this.
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    Matchbox 20