January 13th, 2002


I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on

I've been thinking about relationships of all sorts recently, and the only thing I've decided that I'm absolutely one hundred percent no qualifications sure of is the thing that every single person who'se ever encountered other people knows. They are damned hard. I'm at a particular point where I have to make some decisions about what kinds of relationships I want and what I should do about the ones that I no longer have but that are still unresolved. Jeff seems to think that I should focus on cultivating a few close relationships with special people who get the real me (Green instead of Grey), but to me this seems like suggesting I should hang out with the easter bunny and Lucky the leprachan from the cereal commercials. Of course Jeff also thinks that the best way to go about doing this is to make lots of connetions with random people who share vaguely similar interests (like if they happen to be a bookstore even though they may be looking for Jesse Helmes' memoirs) but he means well. Really he does.

Anyway I have recently come to realize that not only do I need to work on creating new relationships but before I do so I need to work on resolving old ones. Yeah I know it's obvious but I realized it on a more fundemental level than I had before. I need to identify what relationships in my life are currently unresolved, which ones can be worked on, and then actually start doing stuff to work towards resolution.

Obviously the primary relationships I need to resolve are with my parents. I mean outside of my relationship with myself which is too New Age a concept for me to dignify anyway. My relationship with my father is a complicated one, suprisingly not made easier by his death. It is I guess a cross of idealization and unrealizable desire. I imagine him as this brilliant ideal scientist who I can never measure up to or surpass unless I do something TRULY spectacular in the professional arena, and as someone who got where he was without nearly the help I've required just to stay afloat, which makes me feel weak in comparison. He's also someone whose aproval and companionship I endlessly crave and clearly can never get. I want him to tell me I'm smart. I want him to find my thoughts insightful or funny, depending on intention. I want him there cheering when I ever get around to doing anything of value, and I want his support and direction in other things. I want him to make damned sure I get my homework done on time and don't forget to exercise. I want the structure he used to provide for my life. This is all stuff I can't have.

It's a very one sided relationship. Most relationships with dead men are. I guess the only thing I can really do is to release him. Let him ACTUALLY be dead and go on with my own life as if I'm not still 12 years old waiting for dad to come home. It'll be rough but maybe it is time. For some reason I have a feeling that the best way to do that would be to drive up to Maine, where his ashes are, alone or with a friend and do some of the stuff that we used to do together on my own. Like rig the motorboat, go on a hike, etc. I'm not sure why but it seems like it might have some significance. I'll file that away for later.

My relationship with my mother is another one that I need to deal with but it goes in the other direction. I need to get her to give me more space rather than the other way around. I also need to distance myself from her rages and lashing out because it's a distraction and despite my now thicker skin it is still hurtful. She's a nasty vindictive meanspirited woman and she takes all her agressions out on me and I can't let her do that anymore. She also is EXTREMELY judgemental about my life and believes that if I'm not doing what she wants I'm not doing anything useful. Basically it comes down to the fact that I have to move out some time relatively soon but I just don't know how I'm going to make enough money to do that. It's troubling. This one is EXTREMELY complicated and doing anything about it involves tremendous lifestyle alterations. At least I have to admit that I've given up on making the relationship functional. It's just NOT possible.

Next on the line would probably the immediate problem of my "relationship" to Erin. The thing is it's so one sided that it's not so much relating to a human being as an idea. I think the only thing I can do is to persue it VERY cautiously and see what develops. I can't go in gung-ho hearts ablazing because I'm liable to get shot down so it's time for some stealth. Yes I shall invade her world with cleverness and charm and then...then...I shall be turned down anyway but more politely. It's a plan that CANNOT fail.

We all crave connections and relationships with other people and for some they seem to come so easy...but they also come with a risk. I've avoided anything approaching a meaningful connection to another person for too long now...and it's time to make a change somewhere. Friendship, romance, intellectual respect. I need to go out there and find somebody I can be myself around who isn't paid to be around me. I need to engage.

but first I have some housecleaning to do. Jeffery get the full sized dumpster, and let's clear out some skeletons from my closet.
  • Current Music
    Garth Brooks -Scarecrow