January 24th, 2002


Rain on the roof, time on my hands, sure seems quiet out there in Radio land

It's a bright night here in New York city. Mist hangs over the buildings like a nightlight, lifting the corner of the cloak of darkness to prevent the residents from hiding beneath it. Today was, in a word, torturous. Like some sort of perverse pinball machine it bounced me from target to target, racking up a high score at my expense. I started out with a mentally exhausting JUSTICE class which looks promising but also time and energy consuming like nobody's business. The professor crammed so much lecture into that one (not even full) session that it feels like the class started weeks ago. He also added another discussion section to my course load so that I now have 2.5 hours of crap on friday, none of which offers any credits. Easy come, go hard. I think I'm going to drop my anthropology class as I don't really enjoy it and I'm just taking too much right now for my emotional/grade/mental well being. I need some sort of anchoring in the world if I'm going to buckle down and do 19 credits up to my standards.

My abnormal psych class was horrible. The instructor prattled on and on repeating herself and then spent 15 minutes spoiling the movie "A Beautiful Mind" after promising she wouldn't. Now I don't mind having pieces of entertainment spoiled or used as an example if there is an academic purpose to it, but she was just enamoured with the movie and wanted to blather on about it. IF you aren't going to say anything worthwhile or useful from an academic perspective don't be a stupid fangirl and ruin a film that's still out in theatres for the students. Plus she ran over the class time alloted which was really annoying on a first day where she taught nothing and even MORE irritating considering the amount of time she spent RUINING a film I wanted to see. And On my way out of the classroom some chick backed in to me and I brushed past her and she shouted Excuse me! Then chased me down and said "When you run someone over you say excuse me!" to which I replied "You backed in to me" and she said "YOU SAY EXCUSE ME" I rolled my eyes at her because I wasn't interested in arguing but it just put me in an even worse mood.

I did manage to see Hee-Ann and we talked for a few hours. He broke up with his girlfriend over winter break which made me kind of sad, but he seems okay with it so I guess it's none of my business. He laughed at my melodrama with the E person which I needed but also threatened to tell her off for making me dance like a marionette which kinda scared me. The other thing he did was make it abundantly clear that I am just NOT getting the social contact I need ANYWHERE in my life. I mean I've become a sort of average guy with a normal vocabulary and none of that lovely air of superiority I used to have. This cannot stand. I need to find people of my own kind, who will revel in obscure words with me and make erudite points about both literature and star trek. As it is that part of me has become anemic and atrophied.

I'm lonely. And just starting to notice it. And it hurts. School takes on less and less importance now when it needs to be MORE important (until I hit a groove) but I don't know how to get back on track. My life feels so WORTHLESS at this point, like not only am I just marking time, but I'm marking time towards being transfered to another prison rather than released into the outside world.

I feel like a figure alone in the freezing rain, nowhere to go and nobody to turn to. And as the mist rolls back over the city all I can do is try to wipe the rain from my eyes and try to get focus so I can figure out where to go and what to do to get back on track and out of the rain.

But instead of coming into focus, the more I clear away the water from my eyes the more everything seems to....

  • Current Music
    Garth Brooks Scarecrow

I lost myself somewhere between the ripple of her hair and the goodbye that never came

I think it's time for me to go through another one of my cocoon periods, where I close out everyone else and just focus on myself, what's wrong with me, and just generally boil away some of the fat that dulls my once sharp mind. These sessions tend to be tremendously painful, but I'm in pain anyway and I need to do something before my apathy and lack of energy start to seriously impact my school performance. Of course the fact that my nose is running like the tiber probably implies that part of what's going on is sickness related, but it's also the fact that I opened up a little as per my New Years resolution and just like I thought when you let hope in through your shell it will do nothing so much as try to rip your guts out and hang you by them.

She hasn't even responded which means that not only is friday as unlikely but she also doesn't even see me as important enough to deserve a proper response. Fair enough I guess, I mean who am I to her? Nobody, an irritation, an irrelevant child who she is willing to be polite to but wishes would just disapear. Doesn't stop it from feeling like someone hooked my intestines with an eye hook and then tied it to a speeding bullet train. So I must recede, must push inwards to find the damage wherever it may be and repair it best I can leaving the traditional inner scars that only I can see inside of me. Then I should spackle up the remnants of my shell, paint it with teflon, and never open it again.

In the bitter cold people are supposed to huddle together for warmth. But what happens when you have nobody at all to huddle with? When the only friends and family you have are snowmen? You wrap whatever warmth you have around you, bury into the snow, and rely on the very thing that is making you cold to keep you warm. That's what I have to do now, stop hugging snowmen and getting covered in the icy stuff and just turn inwards. I know I'm defective, that there's something inherintly wrong with me as a person that keeps me from forming meaningful contact, but I'm all I have right now so....*shrug*. Fixing yourself from the inside is an interesting process. It somewhat resembles trying to knock down a brick wall with your head (something else that I've tried, although I gave up after 20-30 blows because even as a youngling I realized that my head would give in before the wall did) in that it's exceedingly painful and even if you succeed you don't get through without damage. But it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make right now. Becuase I'm unhappy anyway and if I'm going to be miserable I might as well be useful. But to get useful I need to succeed in school and I can't POSSIBLY do that in this state. So I will do what I have to.

The future is mine right? I control my own destiny. But does it matter that I can pick any direction when the whole fucking world feels like a frozen tundra? I'd sit down and cry but my tears would freeze in the ducts and I'm running low on them anyway. Last night they came in waves and at times I couldn't even figure out what I was crying over.

At least one issue has been resolved. It doesn't matter if a world is gray or in color when everything's covered in frigid eye-searing white.
  • Current Music
    Train-Drops of Jupiter