January 26th, 2002

pod

Got loose from the noose that's kept me hanging about

Well I think I've manached to wrench myself back from the jaws of depression and hopelessness and back into the world of the living. My shell is closed and my head is concussed and bleeding from the blunt trauma but I've shoveled out the snow from my soul and broken down the walls between me and the comfort of grey self-indiference. I'm still checking my email way too much in some sort bizzare perverted ritual of hope but the "No New Mail" message doesn't sting my eyes like hydrochloric acid anymore, and I still can't stand hearing anything about france or french or anything else I connect to her, but that's more or less been permanent for awhile now and it's not too hard to avoid such things. I won't say it feels good to be back in this place as it's rather empty, but at least it's....comfortably numb to steal Pink Floyd's song title (I steal so many song lyrics for subject lines why does this one more matter?) At least it should help a little with motivation for school. I mean getting over her is like drug withdrawl for me. All I feel is an INTENSE sense of pain and incompleteness and loss, and I suffer from fatigue, distraction, and inability to percieve the future as meaningful or even real. That's starting to fade now, I have a semester to deal with and damn it I WILL deal with it. Not that I've started my reading yet or probably will today, but that's not depression that's just par for the course. I will get SOME work done relatively soon, I'm not going to let things slide any worse than I did last semester.

Going cold turkey from her and the whole experience has definitly brought some questions to the forefront of my mind, even shelled up as I am. The first of them is what my long term goals are. I know I want to succeed, but the reason has started to become muddy. Do I want to vindicate myself from those who don't notice me or seem interested in me? Do I want to better myself so I can impress people and gain friends, admiration, and maybe love with someone who would meet my rather strange undefined standards, or do I want to take the hard line and just do what I can for the betterment of mankind and my nation, self be damned.

The first urge is not nearly as prominent as it once was, the second is incredibly attractive but also scary considering how I would feel if I tried and failed, and the third is the most logicaly appealing but it begs the question of whether I would survive it. This time I was expecting to be knocked on my ass, saw it coming, and still went down hard enough to KO me for days when it happened. I did manage to get back on my feet myself which is pretty good (Jeff was unavailable during this period and my "friends" were neither supportive or insightful, offering the logical but devestating refrain that being rejected by a girl is normal and I should just get over myself) but I paid a rather nasty price. Can I afford to stand alone for an extended period of time or will I collapse under my own emotional weight? Should I seek the glory and self satisfaction of an urban life of labor against injustice or instead look for the fulfillment and happiness that only intimacy can bring? Or should I go crazy and try for both?

All I know is that I'm unhappy where I am and need to keep pressing towards the future. She cut me deeply and left scars, but she didn't mean to and I can take comfort in that and attempt to move on. For now I will take the rest of the day to recover, watch some anime maybe get dinner and catch a flick with Hee-Ann and deal with repairing some still damaged portions of my psyche and getting started seriously on the school week later. Now that I'm back on my feet it won't take too long to start walking again. And even if nobody else gives a fuck about me at least I can be proud of myself. It's not often I can say that.
  • Current Music
    AC/DC - Back in Black