January 30th, 2002

pod

She walks around in circles in my head, waiting for a chance to break me a chance to take me down

I know I promised myself and the rest of you and her (though she doesn't know it) that I wouldn't talk about her anymore, but unfortunatly I don't think I can keep that promise. She lingers beneath the surface like a splinter in my mind and I feel like I need to try and get her out if I can because the wound is starting to become infected and I'm snapping at people left and right.

I should start out with some brief explanations as to WHY she rends my soul to shreds.

1) I hate not hearing back from people. This one is easy to explain, one day I didn't hear from my father and he was dead. When people don't respond to me it reminds me of the day my dad abandoned me and my life turned to shit. When people fail to return my correspondance I get very antsy very quickly and feel like once again the world has told me that I'm not worthy to have connections or people who care about me. I am destined to shout into the void and wait for a response that will never come.

2) She made me feel like she was someone who shared my sense of humor. It's so rare that people actually GET my jokes or find them amusing. So rare that I can get involved in a discussion as to why Peachy is lower than Ginchy on the happiness scale and how wide the abuse of Peachy Keen is because Peachy Keen is a Keen based proclamation of joy and Keen is far above Peachy, but people think it's peachy based.

She seemed to get my humor and be interested in intellectual conversation and I felt like I had found a potential friend or ally in my struggle againt the normal and the staid. How wrong I was.

3) It felt like I was being pushed toward her by....something. Call it fate or luck or opportunity. I'm not saying there weren't ALWAYS mixed signals, cause of course there were, there must have been considering how wrong I was, but there was something there. The first day of class she told me not to leave because it would be fun, she started sitting next to me until I moved away because I KNEW this would the outcome if I were close to her, I sat there when they were picking partners for the oral presentation hoping that it would be her but knowing it was random and it WAS, and finally on the flyer for the end of class party it was listed that we would be singing love songs. Related to that is

4) I wasn't the only one who saw it. I'm not going to go through everything, but there was definitly a good amount of implication that other people saw our connection.

5) She still haunts my dreams. I've dreamed about her off and on since I met her and it certainly hasn't stopped now. In fact just last night I had a rather nasty one. That lets me relive my rejection over and over as a chipper, fun, way to start my morning off right.

6) She's the only person I've been interested in in years. People tell me that I'm whining over a carp I never caught when the brook is full of trout, but that's not how it is for me. Numerous sources can tell you exactly how aloof I have remained from the opposing gender for years and how aloof I continue to be. For the most part I'm quite simply not interested. But she was...different. She liked and shared my humor, she had unique levels of honesty and her own quirkyness. She...I can't explain the rest of it.

7) She's never given me a clear signal of disinterest. Every time I meet her she seems excited and friendly. She had me guess where she was going on vacation and the price of her air ticket. She told me about how she graded the students in her class and her accidentil failing of one poor student because he was taking it Pass/Fail and she thought a D was passing. That doesn't seem like mere politeness caused by people being on the same train together. And SHE was the one who suggested coffee even though I was not expecting it since she'd done the whole "non-responsive" thing at the start of last semester. She even went so far as to suggest a specific date and general time period. And then she disapeared again.

The fact of the matter is that she had something that I've never seen before, I opened myself up to her a little because of it and she used that opening to rip my heart out. And I know she probably didn't mean it, and I'm not particularly angry or blamefull towards her, but it still hurts intensly and I CAN'T just get up and walk through it. I think I could handle a flat out "I'm too busy" or even "I don't LIKE you" but this whole flopping around on the line like fish....it brings back horrible memories and makes me feel inhumanly repulsive.

Eventually I suppose I'll get past this. It's just a stupid rejection, nothing unusual, but I won't forget it and for now I can't ignore it. I did and do care about her and to her I'm not even relevant enough to dislike or properly blow off. It's the lack of closure that hurts me worst of all and strikes closest to home. I guess certain people are meant to be eternally alone, without touch or connection and only faint memories of never could bes floating torturously through their heads.

I wish her well wherever she is, but as much as I DESIRE to see her again, hear her flat and funny voice, I hope I never do. I have too many scars, have cried too many tears. And I'm honestly NOT that bad a guy. I don't deserve this pain. I really don't deserve it.
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pod

Further humiliations.

Well just as I thought life was heading towards rock bottom I had ANOTHER incredibly embarassing experience today. I was sitting in JUSTICE enjoying Professor Johnston's ruminations on utilitarianism and his fielding of rather inane questions from the huge class, when I leaned back in my chair to stretch my back, and broke it. That's right, with a HUGE snapping sound the back came away from the base of the chair and sat limply against the metal bracket that holds the desk. Everyone of course immediatly looked in my direction, although professor Johnston to his credit and my eternal gratefulness continued to lecture after missing only the briefest beat.

I should add that this is not entirely my fault. The chairs in that room are constructed in a very decieving manner. See it looks like there's a metal bracket for the back support that comes up from the metal base that the chair rests upon, but in fact this isn't so. Instead there is a tiny bit of the seat that is glued to the main frame of the chair and the metal bracket extends up from that bit. Meaning that the back portion of the chair is held on only by some sort of wood glue. Also it looks like there's a place where the desk (which IS supported by a metal bracket attached to the main portion of the chair) is screwed into the back of the chair providing additional support, but in fact none of the chairs have this screwhole filled. After class I briefly looked at the chairs on my way out to make sure they were all just glued on like this and there was at least one other that was loose and unattached (read broken like mine)

I guess I should have called maintainence or something but what I did was prop the seat back up against the metal bracket in the back so it at least looks reasonably okay and isn't a total eyesore and hightailed it out of class. I didn't want my first interaction with professor Johnson to be telling him that I was the moron in the back who broke the chair. I'll readily admit to it if asked though and I would've stayed and done something if the chairs hadn't been so decievingly built! I'm sure it'll come back to bite me in the ass at some point with a "hey aren't you the fat kid who broke the seat in Justice class?" but whatever. My life is like that.

I just hope I didn't get on professor Johnson's bad side.

An irony of the situation is that it happened because I've been trying to lose weight. You see it wasn't placing my bulk against the back that caused it to snap, it was when I stretched out with my legs, which have been even further strengthened by doing 25 minutes a day on the bike at full intensity. My calves which have always been the size and power of a professional athlete's are now literally only slightly smaller than footballs. They resemble bricks really. So by strengthening my legs on the bike I ended up overpowering the chair when I stretched back.

I need a hole in the ground to hide in for like 20 years. Only if I did I'm sure that the mole people would laugh at me. Some weeks it doesn't pay to breathe.
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