February 4th, 2002


The chance you've got to take if your lonely heart breaks

Well it's been a couple of days. Saturday was a fiesta of procrastination starting out with a rather lame bout of Teacher training for the GED program where I spoke out of turn a lot and generally vascilated between grizzled old veteran and annoying sarcastic ass. Then Hee-Ann and I headed back to my house to do some homework. Well he did homework, I read 6 pages of my psych book, tried to resolve my little dispute with Jing on account of I felt I was probably being a little unfair to him, and generally wasted time. Then we had a nice Indian dinner (which came back to haunt me) and watched part of the Original Kings of Comedy and the boxing on HBO. Emeka was supposed to drop by but he punked me like a Kawah. Anyway I was a terrible host and fell asleep during the Hopkins fight (I am severly overtired these days) but I stayed up for the second fight and it was quite good. Then Hee-Ann booked and we said we might watch the superbowl together or something. The day was okay except I feel kinda bad that I got like NO work done.

On sunday things were looking okay until my mom exploded over a spot of curry on the wierd fancy thing she has on the dining room table. This lead to a HUGE fight and discussions of suicide by both sides (she went first and did the crying screaming threatening GET OUT GET OUT NOW thing while I mostly laughed and rolled my eyes) that ate up a bunch of time and energy. I thought about posting something suicidal here on LJ but decided to be mature and just let the feelings pass and get back to living my life. But it sucked most of the energy out of the day and I dozed through pregame stuff until the superbowl which was awesome. The arrogant rams got knocked off their high horse, the game came down to the very last play and the Patriots won unequivocally.

I wonder what that's a signal of? Nothing? The success over patriotic America over any foe? Or the underdog taking down the big guys (which would be BAD for the USA.) Anyway it was so satisfying it seemed almost scripted.

Today I went to the store to buy a Kant book, realized my credit card had expired, had to go back and get cash, and managed to read some of it before class, which was lucky because there was a quiz like I thought there might be. I think I did alright although some GIRLS were cheating after class while people were picking up paper assignments which irritated me somewhat.

Anyway my big thought right now is whether I want to continue going to anthropology. On the one hand it's kinda interesting and doesn't look that tough, on the other I could use the extra time to relax and kick back and keep up with anime and video games. That's the problem, I don't feel I'll use the spare time effectively except to avoid breaking down, but I'm not so sure I'll break under the stress anyway. My current thought is to go for it because it would clear up my schedule in the future and it looks interesting and horizon broadening. Plus I feel like the only reason I'm still doing video games and anime is that I'm lonely and they are the only subjects I can find people to talk to me about. Maybe I should just go with what interests ME rather than what interests those I want to BE around and see what comes of that. Perhaps I shall find new friends or adapt the ones I have (I seem to somehow have beat it into Jing that he should treat me in a certain way and he's actually been pretty interesting to talk to since the reconciliation) The problem with that is that it leaves me with VERY little time, like right now I have to get going and I'm not sure how my personal progression and exercise will react to that kind of time pressure. But maybe I NEED to throw myself into scholarship to emerge as a stronger independant less wishy washy person. Plus it'll help me forget about E and the feelings of loss that still exist there. I wish I could still afford jeff twice a week because it feels like one is simply not enough to get everything I want to say said, but if I did that I'd have to stop the impulse buys of entertainment which I use to medicate my depressive moods and I still need those. Life is so complex and I'm so BUSY but for some reason I don't really want to slow down. More later after class...thanks for listening livejournal. You're always there for me.
  • Current Music
    Chris Isaac - Baja Sessions

The perfect kind of day

I don't think I've ever had this much to do. I need to get some reading done for my lit-hum class, do part of my statistics problem set, prepare for my Japanese history class, and somehow get something ready for my GED teaching assignment all by tomorrow. Whoa. And it doesn't lighten much up through the rest of the week. If I really want to go through with my schedule as it is now that's how it's going to be for the next 12 weeks (with one week of spring break in between) and that's a lot to deal with, especially considering the tests and papers that will crop up in between. Frankly my biggest worry is the exams. Papers I am always pretty cool with and class participation is never a problem. The exams I'll have during the semester are a mid term in Lit-Hum, one in anthro, three exams in Abnormal psych, two unimportant statistics exams (20 percent total) and that's it. Then there's a bunch of papers and more than a few final exams, although for me final exams are not a big deal since I get a nice little study period where I can catch up on a lot of the reading. So I can probably maintain a 3.5 average or so as long as I don't crack under the pressure. And that's what it all comes down to...the pressure. It's almost attractive, a constant stream of reality blunting work for a few months. Structure and constant busyness. No time to think about how lonely I am. No time to curl up into a ball and think about my sad future. No time to think about HER. But also little time to write in this journal (I'm stealing a few moments here which I will pay for in the future, guaranteed) little time to enjoy anime and video games which I have decided that I DO like even if not as much as things that fulfill me.

It's a tough decision for me as to what I want to do, who I want to be. Do I give up on socializing and try to become an ubernerd? Where do I want my balance to fall? Being busy will probably HELP with losing weight but can I maintain an overladen schedule without collapsing? What is college to be for me. What do I WANT? So many questions. The only answer I have right now is that what I'm doing FEELS right. I won't commit myself to it indefinitly but I will at least give it a chance. Jeff wants me to engage my classes more, well maybe I just need to engage more classes. Maybe it's a good thing that when my brain is full of statistics ancient japanese history literature and political theory I can't think about the fact that I have connected with nobody for six months, or that now that I've admited I wouldn't be completely adverse to female companionship I've had to admit that I'm simply unworthy/incapable of it. Ironically a 19 credit semester could be a vacation...from myself. I just don't know...I am tired and should go to bed. I feel like I'm experiencing personal movement but is it progression or regression. That dear readers I will allow YOU to decide.
  • Current Music
    Barenaked Ladies- Maroon